Happy Monday.. woo fucking hoo!
I suppose I'll just jump right in and get started! First let me start by saying that if Mother Nature doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna need her address so I can send my gas bill to her for payment! It's like the bitch is straight up menopausal with hot flashes and all. One day its hot as hell like summer just arrived and then the next day it's raining and cold! Come on sis..... hellurrrrr....
One day last week I was coming back from picking up the girls from the gym and my PokemonGo app led me right to this park. Now the intention was to find a new pokemon but instead we found this really cool dog park. It's called the "Bark Park"... not the most original name but whatcha gonna do? So when we got home the girls told Tammy about the dog park and that ended up into my taking the pups to the park.
Now I'm going to be honest here and say that I've never stepped foot inside a dog park nor do I know proper dog park etiquette. I get that it's all about socializing your dogs and shit but do they really give a shit about making dog friends that they're probably never going to see again? I'll come back to that in a minute because I want to get to why I dreaded taking the dogs to the park in the first place. First, we have Teddy who literally barks at everything and anything that walks by our house. He will charge the glass door and plummet himself into it and then run into the kitchen barking. I'm not sure what the hell he thinks he's accomplishing by doing this but when it happens we can't help but look like this:
Based on the above background you can see my hesitance in bringing Teddy to a dog park....with other dogs. Then we have Gia who literally thinks the sun rises and sets on her little ass with her rose gold collar walking around like who the fuck she is. Seriously this dog has major attitude. She sleeps till noon and then gets up and expects a full day of belly rubs like:
You see the dilemma I was in with taking these two to a dog park? So we get to the park and Teddy immediately takes off like a lunatic running around and pissing on every inch of the park, meanwhile Gia is trotting around probably thinking to herself "fucking humans, I don't do grass and what is this leaves and dirt?" Now I know it may seem like we don't take the pups out much but that's not true. Teddy gets walked on a leash while I carry Gia in my arms. Take a moment and picture that.. then process it. Moving on.. So while teddy is lifting his leg on every thing in the park even though nothing is coming out, Gia sat in a corner snarling at some male dog trying to sniff her butt. Then a yorkie (which is what Gia is) came in and everyone at the park was like "Giovanni is here!" On a side note, apparently this is a thing in dog parks. Every one knows each other and their dogs. I'm lucky if i don't call the dogs the kids names and call the kids by the dogs and cats names!
Back to the grand entrance of Giovanni. So he comes swaggin into the park and Gia immediately ran up to him and started sniffing his face. I mean you can tell that Gio was the cool dog in the park. Meanwhile teddy is still lifting his leg and air pissing at this point, not too impressed with Gio. Gia on the other hand was all up in Gio's business with her boujee self! You know Gia was all like back off bitches he's mine!
Oh, yea so proper etiquette in the dog park. So it's one of those weird things where the people just stand around and go, "which ones yours?" You point out your dog, talk about how old he/she is, what type of breed and then there's an awkward silence and you both just walk away from each other.
I think it was last Sunday, Tammy and I were having coffee and Bianca came down and told us that she had been up since 4 in the morning because she heard this weird noise. She described the noise as being a humming sound combined with a helicopter hovering over the house. She said she kept looking out the window and didn't see anything so she spent hours googling what the sound was.
At this point she said that she even tried googling the date to see if anyone else heard what she heard. She was legitimately concerned that she was the only one who heard this because one google hit came back that hearing this sound meant that something was mentally wrong with you. Tammy is trying to reassure Bianca that nothing was wrong with her and that it was probably an airplane that she couldn't see. Meanwhile I'm sitting on the other end of the couch like:
I mean I hear shit all the time in my head so I was a little worried about that google hit about being insane if you're the only one hearing sounds. Speaking of insane..... the other day my wife and I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts to get ice coffee and the young lady handed me my frozen coffee with whip cream (because that's how you're supposed to drink frozen coffee) and hand me Tammy's coffee and then just stands there like this:
Ummmmmmmm...... can I have a straw please? I literally had to ask this question out loud, not in my head. Like what did she expect me to do? Stick my tongue through the whole and slurp up my coffee like a fucking animal?!
Must have been her first day on the job.. apparently her last because I haven't seen her since that day. Maybe someone cut their tongue on the inside ridge of the hole slurping their fucking ice coffee because she doesn't think one requires a straw!
Between the dog park, Bianca hearing a sound that no one else heard, and the straw saga, I had already had my fill of crazy for the week... or at least I thought I had! Tammy and I were driving Anthony from a doctor's appointment when he came out of no where with "I know why people have eyebrows!" At this point I'm thinking in my head, "now this is going to be some fucking shit right here!" I look at Tammy and Tammy looks at me and then she says, "oh yea? Let me hear your theory." Anthony starts talking and says "before people could speak the only way they could communicate was by the expressions they made with their eyebrows, so that's why God gave people eyebrows!"
Hot damn! You all should be able to determine what my facial expressions are when one of my kids comes out of left field with some crazy ass shit. If you haven't nailed it down by now, let me show you:
I looked at Tammy and said, "this is all you!", because honestly my answer was going to be, "nah bruh, where the hell did you come up with that shit?!" See why I handed it over to Tammy?! So Tammy starts explaining that before people learned how to speak they used facial expressions and some of those expressions involved the raising of the eye brows." Anthony from the back seat, looks at Tammy and said, "Yea that's what I said!" NO... NO.. Nooooooooooooo you did not say that! I was sitting right here when you told me that you "figured out" why God gave people eyebrows! At this point Tammy shoots me one of these:
After the "really?" look Tammy said, "come on Kris, cut him slack. Mr. Daisy in the back seat responds with, "yea cut me a break I'm only ten!" So incase you were all wondering why we have eyebrows, Anthony broke the code!
So on the count of three everyone raise their hands if you missed my sarcastic rants? If you're raising your hand I can't see you sillies, so you're all just going to have to comment on the post and let me know!
I'm not even going to try and lie and make up some excuse as to why I haven't blogged in a while, I'm just going to be honest and post this gif so you can see how I look at the end of every day:
Let me fill you all in on what's been going on in the Gaydy Household since the last blog. Mama Tammy is still out of commission and I'm still holding down Casa Di Gaydy while working. Quick update on Mama Tammy... we're awaiting a surgery date for her back fusion (we'll get to that) so send her lots of love and positive vibes on social media, just send me Jack Daniels please, no serious.. Jack Daniels Black Label.
On a sidenote, we finally got a new furnace, just in time for spring! At least we're one step ahead of Old Man Winter next year! Our new furnace came with a digital thermostat so we were all excited to have something modern in the house. Our house had one of those old dial thermostats that probably belongs in the Smithsonian along with our original furnace. Ah, the little things in life! Since the furnace decided to die, the hot water heater felt a type of way, so we had to have that replaced as well. I'll tell you what, this house is going to be in tip top shape when I fucking sell it!
In the last blog I mentioned how we had a sewage back up right before our furnace died. It's all cleaned up now. I mean I'm not going to lie, it was like an episode straight out of the fucking X-files. Don't believe me, have a gander at this:
Here we have some wonderful not-by-choice-home-remodeling photos!
Looks great right? I mean the lack of walls will make hide-n-seek a little easier to play, but now we can do surprise attacks on people by climbing through the beams! I know you're all dying to see the newest submission to the Smithsonian, so without further ado:
There ya have it dearies! Out with the old and in with the new:
Oh, here's a new update you should all be aware of... I am no longer a vegetarian. Yea I mean who out there had bets on how long I would last eating just vegetables? I gave in when I was confronted with the choice of a salad or a western burger. I mean come on that's not even a second thought! Once I took the first bite, this image immediately popped into my head:
I have to give props where props are due. Bianca and Tammy are standing strong on the vegetarian thing. Alessandra has decided that Chipotle is vegetarian so she's on the dark side with me. Michael preaches to Bianca and Tammy about how it is a natural necessity that as humans we consume meat. When this happens, this also happens in my mind:
While our refrigerator is stocked with vegetables and other vegetarian things, I do have a stash of chicken hidden in the freezer. I mean I'm not opposed to trying to eat healthier it's just the dark powers take over and next thing I know I'm eating something on the forbidden list looking like this:
I love our daughters and I love when out of no where they come up with these random ideas. One day last week they came down and said they wanted to join a gym so that they could be fit for Bianca's wedding..........in TWO YEARS! Now neither one of them are unfit, however they don't believe us when we tell them this. So Carlton did the research on which gym would be best for them and I took them to sign up. As soon as I walked in we were greeted by the trainer. Next thing I know I'm signed up for a session with him. Not exactly sure how that happened but bruh needs to dial back on the red bull! The Trainer is all ready to go, looking like this:
Meanwhile I'm thinking this is what I would look like if I had to workout:
Come on now.. all you gym people know that the music they play in the gyms is lit.
So the girls are all signed up and have been going 4 days a week. They are convinced they will have Kardashian bodies in no time. Meanwhile I'm thinking could I at least get half of the Kardashian's money? What? I think that's a fair trade. Ok fine, I'll settle for a quarter of their money.
By now, you all know that Tammy has been out of commission from injuries sustained in a car accident. We had a follow up with the Neurosurgeon last week where he told us that she'll have to have another fusion done, but on the back. The doctor was explaining how the procedure would take place and what the procedure would entail and the whole time he was explaining the procedure my face looked like this:
I could tell Tammy was scared so I bursted out with "Well babe, this isn't our first rodeo!" After that comment I got this look:
I was trying to lighten up the mood, which clearly didn't work. The neurosurgeon proceeded to explain that the back surgery is a little more involved than her neck surgery and how it's generally a longer recovery time. It took everything in me to not do this:
Come on now... I mean there's days I can't remember if I brushed my teeth, forgot to pick up a kid, finished my work assignments, feed the 900000 animals we have, clean up after the 900000 animals we have, what to make for dinner so that ERRRRRRRRRYBODY is happy and eats, while still in my fucking pajamas from three days ago! I still have laundry in the dryer from a week ago. Lord baby Jesus a sister needs some help! I wake up every morning like this:
In between all of this and right when I sit down to relax for 5 minutes our little guy is like "hey mommy want to throw the football around with me!" Sure buddy, ya know because Mommy hasn't done enough in one day so let's go outside and toss the ol' ball around! My response is usually, "yea go ahead and I'll be out in a few, meanwhile this is what I'm actually doing!