Now that I have recovered from the near death experience from last week, we're back to our regularly scheduled craziness, here in the Gaydy household. The weekend has come! A long over due two days of relaxation that one strives for Monday through Friday, has finally fallen upon my tired feet... too dramatic? Who ask you anyway?! Getting back to my two days of relaxation and sleeping in.
Saturday morning I was all snuggled up in bed, cozied in with the blankets and I hear, "KRIS!!! Are you getting up?!" I remember mumbling something in audible and then saying "what time is it?" Here I am thinking that I done slept through the afternoon the way the Gestapo came in to the bedroom. Her response to me...."9:45". IN THE FUCKING MORNING?!
I mean come on woman weren't you listening when I said that two days of relaxation had fallen upon my tired feet? Her response to me was, "well you went to bed at 11, you've had plenty of rest, now get up!" Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize you were the keeper of my sleep cycle! Of course she turns on the bedroom light and pulls the blankets off and tells me she made coffee and in reality she means if I don't get up and get out of bed she'll be doing this:
So there I was sitting at the table with coffee in front of me, thinking that this seriously could have waited another hour or two. As soon as that thought popped into my head I hear Anthony's bedroom door open and I realize that the longer I slept the earlier I'd hear "mom, mommy, mom, mommy, mom, mommy, listen to this, so mom, wait, mommy listen and so on! So now I'm up and trying to get as much caffeine in my system as I can before the little guy comes out for breakfast, which looked something like this:
So after a pot of coffee we decide to the let the kid out for breakfast. You'd swear we were holding him captive and giving him bread and water the way he comes out for breakfast! Seriously all we have to is say "Anthony break..." and you hear the kid throwing himself out of the bedroom, sprinting down the hallway that is literally 4 feet long and turning the corner like he's in the Indie 500! Of course he comes out rearing to go talking a mile a minute and at this point I'm like:
When clearly I wasn't, because let's face it it's too early to hear about what 9 year olds think are the most important things in the whole world. I have the unmistaken ability to be able to look at someone and nod when a nod should happen and answer when I should answer and have absolutely no clue what they're talking about, just ask my wife, she'll tell you. It's a gift. Now keep in mind that the girls were still sleeping at this point because they're allowed to sleep in on the weekends because..... get this.... "they get up early everyday"!
Now if that ain't some shit right there!
Friday was A Day of Silence and Alessandra, as well as her entire school took part to represent all the LGBTQ students that lose their voices due to bullying. My wife and I wanted to do the same and take an oath to stay silent for the day. However, as I mentioned many times before our little guy is running for Mayor with the fucking talking that he does! On that note, the vow for silence went right out the window within the first 10 minutes of the morning. So we wore red. I did explain to Anthony that a Day of Silence is important, because it shows support and taking a stand. So I duct taped his mouth shut for the rest of the night. Took a stand!
Oh stop it.. as if you all never thought about duct taping your kid to a wall or their mouths shut! That's why you read my blog because I actually say what you're all thinking! No shame in my game! That's how I roll!
Speaking of kids! Let's talk about the two furry children that neither sprouted from the wombs of our labor, who shall be named Teddy and Gia! These two think that OUR bedroom is theirs and solely theirs. At night Gia lays on the couch and waits for someone to come over and carry her princess ass to the bedroom, while teddy will dig profusely into the side of the bed for someone to pick him up and put him on the bed. Meanwhile I'm like be dogs and do dog things like sleep out in the living room and guard our house!
This brings me to intimacy with my wife. Now, any couple out there that has made the mistake of allowing their dogs to sleep with them can sympathize with the tricks you need to pull on the dogs, to get to the bedroom without them noticing. At times I feel like I've mastered my ninja skills getting from point A to point B without either of them noticing I left the room, I'm all like:
Just when I think I've made it... they're like "haha NO BITCH":
Then its back out to the living room to pretend that we're having family time and watching tv. I wait until they get comfortable and start to fall asleep and I'll actually say to my wife, "hun, you want anything from the kitchen" as I get up and walk towards the bedroom! But they're onto us, it's like they have a no-intamcy radar or something because they're like:
You selfish, needy animals!
I can't even cuddle with my wife at night because I have one dog in between us and one sleeping on top of my head breathing his hot dog breathe in my face all night...romantic right?! One morning I was sleeping and I felt these soft kisses on my cheek and I was thinking to myself "oooh she brought the dogs out and came back to the bed to cuddle with me". I rolled over and open my eyes and saw this:
So basically my dog tried to make out with me.
Here we are again... Monday, Monday, Monday. Sometimes I break out into song on Monday and sing, "Why You Gotta Be So Rude" by MAGIC but change the words around. Everyone sing with me: "Can I have the weekend for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes cause I need to know..." No?
Happy Monday! I hope everyone out in cyber world had a beautiful and blessed Passover and Easter and if you don't celebrate either than I hope you just had a beautiful weekend! My week started off with bang, as usual. At this point I don't expect anything less. So early last week I was driving to work and talking to my wife on the phone, which is the norm for me. I forgot exactly what we were talking about but out of no where she happened to mention that the tempered glass in our front door looked like a vagina. I know, I know, I had the same reaction:
I mean I know we're lesbians and all but that's a little bit of stretched don't ya think? I wasn't sure how to react to that comment, so I asked her what she meant. So her response was, "I just took a picture, check your phone". So I check my phone and see this:
What do you all see? At first I didn't see it but then my wife explained it to me. I won't get into the details of why she thought we had a vagina door but I'm pretty sure if you all get to a twisted mental thought process you can see it for yourselves. After we established that us lesbians now have vagina door, she went into detail that the four vaginas symbolize the females in the house. Ponder that, because that's some deep shit right there!
Hey listen, we don't have a rainbow flag flying outside nor do we have a unicorn gnome sitting outside as part of our landscaping so we have a vagina door.. things could be much worse. Those damn lesbians always throwing their lesbianism in your face.
So our daughter Bianca came home with a self tanner because she wanted to be tan. It's called Self Tanning Moose. Apparently you have to take a shower and scrub your self really good, which I'm not even sure why that needs to be an instruction. I mean isn't that what you're supposed to do when you take a fucking shower? Anyway, moving on to step number two. After you scrub yourself, you take this moose and put it on this hand glove pad and apply it to your body. Now the instructions are very specific. One hour for light tan, two hours for a medium tan and three hours for a dark tan. Bianca decided to leave it on for more than three hours because she's like Casper white. At first I was concerned.. I wasn't sure if she would come out like this:
Scary right? In any event, she came out with a nice little tan. This then prompted my wife to self tan, which ultimately led to me being self tanned against my better wishes. Why you ask? Because apparently its fun to make the butch do girly things! I've become the guinea pig of the family. Let's dye Mama Kris' hair shark blue, let's use a painful limp plump on Mama Kris and watch her shove her face into a freezer, let's put a face mask on Mama Kris so she looks like Michael Meyers, let's do a makeover on Mama Kris and do her makeup like a drag queen....that ONE I didn't mind so much! I admit I embrace my inner drag queen.
So here we are all, looking like we just got back from the Caribbean with a deep tan over friggen night. My wife is so tan all you see is her damn teeth. Her selfie's looks like this:
On to the next bat shit crazy item on the Gaydy weekend. So my wife and I were taking a shower... get your minds out of the gutter people. When you have four kids living in the house the shower becomes the only room in the house that there can be conversation had. So as my wife is hogging up all the water I notice that there's a spider on the ceiling moving towards the shower. I immediately scream "it's a brown recluse, we're gonna die". I was being dramatic it was a house spider. Of course at this point my wife throws me into the water (closer to the spider) and jumps back. I stood there like:
She starts telling me to kill it and I'm like "bitch I know I'm butchy but I don't fuck with spiders!" You all would have sworn ISIS was up in our bathroom holding us hostage. We were both cowardly cornered in the shower screaming for help. My wife turns to me and goes, "I locked the bathroom door". At this point I'm like why would youuuuuuuuuu do something so reckless! Think woman! We're gonna die in the shower, alone, together. So naturally I did want any protective spouse would do:
Jumped straight into her arms! Then she tells me to get out of the shower soaking wet, dry off and kill the spider! So here I am trying to figure out how the hell my short ass is going to kill a spider that's on the ceiling. I do what the wife says because first, she pushed me out the shower and secondly I'm afraid of her. So I'm standing there looking at the shower and envisioning this happening to me:
Now keep in mind my wife is like, "well I have to condition my hair so keep an eye on the spider". I'm sorry you have to do what? There is a friggen killer spider about to rip our faces off and you HAVE to condition your hair. Priorities woman, priorities. So here I am spider watching, when all of a sudden my wife screams, "IT FELL" and jumps out of the shower with conditioner in her hair, running all down her back. It was like a weird game of hop scotch the way she jumped out:
My wife gets back into the shower after I found the spider lurking on the floor, I called for back up, which was our oldest son to come in and kill the spider, which he did. The moral of the story is check your shower for spiders before actually get into the shower. Seriously you'll live longer. That little brush with death took 5 years off my life.
Which brings us to the last few days of the weekend. With our oldest son getting married next month, Friday was a day of running errands for the shower on Saturday, a trip to the florist, my tuxedo fitting and then of course the shower on Saturday. Next thing ya know Easter is smack dab in our faces. At this point I was wishing there was an actual Easter bunny to go pick up our little guy's basket and the candy for the older kids and deliver the shit to the house, but of course not. Instead you have me and my wife like this:
Exhausted from the shower (bridal shower, not the spider shower) my wife decided to go run and pick up the Easter stuff yesterday morning. Listen, we crushed the littlest one's dreams of the Easter bunny and tooth fairy as soon as he turned 9, enough of that shit! Every Easter I barbecue so that's exactly what I did!
Remember Lauren...the girl that broke our toilet paper holder? Yea, well after we all ate and were just hanging out outside enjoying the beautiful day, Mike comes out and yells, "it's official!" Which caught me off guard at first, then he elaborated on the "it's official" by telling us that they are officially girlfriend and boyfriend. I was so damn confused. I thought they were already "official". I mean ya done brought her over here, she broke shit, how is that not official?
In any event, they're official. With that he says, Lauren's parents are stopping by to meet you guys. Now keep in mind I'm sitting in shorts and a shirt that has bbq sauce slathered all over from grilling the ribs, smelling like Smokey The Bear's gay cousin. I jump up and tell the kids to clean up outside, I go to take a shower, my wife starts running through the house like Mr. Clean on speed and no it did not look like this:
It actually looked more like this:
In the shower I'm thinking, "I don't meet parents, I'm like mentally 10!" Time to adult and put the game face on. So Lauren and her parents come in and we immediately start talking about everything. Very sweet people and very easy to talk with. Meanwhile Anthony is sitting over at the end of the table playing with this thing that shoots discs into the air and almost blinds Lauren's father. Sorry about that Joe. Didn't expect to meet the parents of your daughter's boyfriend and leave with an eye patch.
Lauren's mother, Lisa is a hoot! I like quick witted people, keeps me on my toes. Lisa and Tammy decided to talk about hot flashes which made Joe and I immediately start to look for a place to hide. Then they started talking about re-decorating and re-doing kitchens. Lisa shows Tammy a picture of her kitchen she re-did and it was absolutely gorgeous and I immediately thought to myself "Fuck!!!!, come on Lisa, we were doing so well, now you went and gave my wife ideas for me to do in our kitchen!" When I saw the look of excitement on Tammy's face I was like:
So Lisa, if you're reading... thank you!
Happy Monday all you wonderful people out there! Hope you had a great weekend and your Monday wasn't too bad!
Someone once told me that in order to fly you must throw yourself at the floor and miss. Yea well, I took their advise and fell......flat on my face.....on the floor. So there goes that theory on flying! Disappointing. I really wanted to fly too! Ah well, I probably would have had the same experience if I flew United! Too soon? Ah well, fly the friendly skies!
This past weekend we got to meet the girl Mike is dating. We really like this one because Mike is just his weird self with her right off the bat. So we decided on Saturday night to turn our living room into a karaoke club. Hell, I figured we all can't sing anyway so it would be fun to make complete asses out of ourselves. Well, Mis Lauren debuted and I swear for a minute it was like I had Celine Dion, Adele and Christina Aguilera up in this bitch! The first note this chick belted out had us all like:
I felt like I was standing behind that friggen engines of a 727 getting ready to take off! Clearly that plan of us ALL not knowing how to sing went in the shitter quickly. In any event I think we may have broken her vocal cords by the end of the night. She is definitely a keeper for our son. However, I will say that she broke the toilet paper holder in our bathroom. How do I know this? I know this because I heard a big clank followed by a "SHIT!" Uh huh... that's right. Miss "I Can Sing Every Damn Thing" done broke the toilet paper holder. Now you know when she was in the bathroom and that holder fell off the cabinet, she was like:
You all know she came walking out of the bathroom like:
Girl, we heard the clank followed by the "SHIT!" Just come on out! Naturally I had to welcome her to the family by calling her out on breaking shit in the house. She handled my sarcasm pretty well and gave it right back. Which is very uncommon because usually I'm the one dishing it out so, she she had me like:
So there ya go, Lauren makes her debut in the Gaydy Blog. I warned her. I told her anyone that comes through that front door or anything or anyone inside of this house is automatic material. I swear I thought I saw her square up with me and give me a look like:
Long story short, which is probably too late, so get over it, but I have a feeling we'll be seeing a lot of more of Lauren.
Fun fact about us Gaydy moms.... we hate bugs. Yes, as butchy as I am, if I see any type of insect I will scream like a queen and jump on top of the table until Mike comes and removes whatever it is that has violated my personal space. We're not the only ones, Bianca and Ale will scream to the high heavens if they see a bug as well. Poor Mike, he's become our exterminator. Anyway, the other day Bianca came in and a moth was on her. She felt it because she started screaming about a moth attacking her. Alessandra knocked it to the ground as she was screaming too. If I wasn't so tired I think I might have just joined in on the screaming. So picture the girls flailing their arms and screaming trying to kill a moth. Can you picture it? No? Let me help:
There's Mike standing all calm calling this creature "buddy". I'm sorry, but this prehistoric thing has come into our home and is attacking your sister and you're standing there all calm and saying "come here little buddy, I got you. I'll save you!"
Take your "buddy" and walk him to the door and while your walking him to the door you can sing:
"My buddy. My Buddy. Everywhere I go, he goes.
My buddy. My Buddy. Everywhere I go, he goes.
My buddy and me like to climb up a tree
My buddy and me are the best friends that could be!
My buddy (My buddy) My buddy (My buddy)
My buddy and me!".
And leave your buddy out-the-hell-side! We have enough damn animals in this house, you're buddy can't stay! As if Mike's new found moth friend isn't enough he tells me wants a pocket possum because they're legal where we live. Mike of course shows Bianca a picture and now Bianca wants one too. Which leaves me sitting at the table thinking I know I'm a little batshit but you all lost ya damn minds! They both look at me and smile thinking I'm going to say yes like I did to the 7 friggen cats, but this look magically appeared on my face:
I don't even have hair long enough to throw back like that so you know that pocket possum idea was shut down! Go to Toys R Us and get yourselves a fake ass pocket possum...mamma ain't playing no more with these damn animals!
Well there ya have it! Yet another fun filled adventure with the Gaydy Bunch Family! Everyone have a great weekend and we'll see you back on Sunday!
Did you all know that there's a test you can take online to see if you're color blind or not?
Look at me being all rude and just jumping right into our adventures first without any formal warning...... I meant greeting. Happy Sunday everyone!! There, now that the pleasantries have been exchanged, lets get back to this color blind test shall we? I'm intrigued by this online color blind test because first of all, I'm not sure how this works, but apparently Anthony is not color blind. How do I know that? Because before dinner the other night Anthony came running into the kitchen like Tom Cruise in Risky Business like:
Threw his hands up in the air and yelled, "I'M NOT COLOR BLIND!" At first I thought, "what the hell did he just watch on his iPad and why are the parental controls not working". Then I thought holy shit maybe he had a spiritual revelation like Jesus compelled him and this happened before he came out:
No, no. None of that happened. Anthony informed us that there was a test online that tested whether or not you are color blind and he passed the test. Well, praise the lord baby Jesus.
Now, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure an online test, testing whether or not you're color blind is NOT as accurate as actually going to, oh I don't know, maybe a friggen EYE DOCTOR! Now, I'm not exactly sure which test Anthony took but I googled color blind tests and tons of pages came up, so I picked this one:
Shit, sounded legit.
Any who, I passed too. I want everyone to take a moment and click on that link above and take the test. I'm not sure exactly how color blind tests are performed but I'm pretty sure putting different color numbers inside different color circles and asking you what number you see is an accurate test? I could be wrong. I've been wrong before. According to my wife, I'm wrong a lot, so I don't have much to back me on what I'm saying. So you'll all just have to try it out and judge for yourselves.
SO now that we've established that our youngest is NOT color blind by the standards of the internet, we can all exhale the breathe of uncertainty we were never holding in the first place.
Oh, I wanted to share with all of you that I have a new friend. I know you're all probably thinking, "who gives a shit, I don't know this bitch?" However, I think you all may reconsider after you all meet my new friend. We took a few selfies the other day, so let me share them with you:
Yes ladies and gentlemen I've never met, my new friend is the one and only, Jesus! See now didn't you all just reconsider? Before I posted our selfies you were all like:
But then once I dropped the bomb, you were all like:
It's ok. We (as in Jesus and I) forgive you. I will however, recommend that you all order one.....now...go....
Tonight is Family UNO Night so let's see if Anthony thinks he's fluent in Spanish next. Regardless stay tuned because tonight's debauchery will surely be something to write about!