Back in the blog "Confirmed in Crazy", remember I mentioned that my wife and daughter, Bianca found a Jesus plushy, or as Bianca refers to it "a Jesus stuffed animal"? Well this is becoming a reality in the Gaydy household. I've come to the conclusion that for Easter all the kids will be getting a Jesus plushy. Now, I'm not one for stuffed animals or plushies, however, we're talking about JESUS! Has anyone ever seen these? If not, I have done the work for you (you can all thank me later):
Now personally, I would go with the "My Friend Jesus" doll. Definitely looks like Jesus and looks cuddly. Not sure whats going on with the Bleacher Creatures version of Jesus, but he looks a little mad not something that I can see being cuddled, he looks a little unapproachable. The last one, I have no idea what they were thinking, just horrible... disgraceful replication of Jesus, I mean come on Sunny Toys you made Jesus look like a drunk homeless person and honestly $42.86?? That's ridiculous! Jesus would not like that all! So there's my recommendation people. My friend Jesus stuffed doll will be replacing all the chocolate and bunny shit in the Gaydy Household. I personally CAN NOT wait to cuddle with my friend Jesus at night and drift off to a peaceful sleep humming a hymn.
Let's move on to the children shall we? We move quickly here in the Gaydy household. It's hard to keep up but that's why I have my wife to fill me in on what I blatantly ignore... I mean miss....while I'm at work. Apparently I missed a conversation where our 13 year old, Alessandra wants to have her teeth filed like a vampire and our 20 year old, Mike wants to have his teeth filed like a bear. Alessandra has watched one too many episodes of Vampire Diaries and Mike has spent way too many days out in the woods. Of course when I first heard about this my initial reaction was:
which quickly went to:
Vampire teeth and bear teeth. What the hell do these damn kids think this is? An episode of American Horror Stories. How the hell am i suppose to introduce you two nimnuts with friggen fangs hanging out your mouths? Could you imagine being a function and having to introduce these two: "Oh this is my daughter Alessandra and son Mike don't mind there fangs, they don't bite. They're housebroken!"
Then they tell me it's just for "looks"... looks you say? Mike tells me to think about how good they'll be for eating meat. What the hell are we suppose to do, throw raw meat at them now like the two dogs?! Get the hell out of here. As if the teeth aren't enough, Alessandra wears a ring that "allows her to go out into the sun". Ohhhh, well thank god for that!
As if those two aren't enough, our little guy comes out with "what is birth control?" Of course my response was, "you"! That of course prompted my wife to give me the very familiar look of "your an idiot Kris":
Seriously that was wrong, I admit, but it certainly makes for great blogging material. So he took one for the team... he'll get over it. I was not about to explain forms of birth control to a 9 year old. Listen, I'm dealing with Smoky the Bear and Katherine Pierce (from Vampire Diaries), the birds and the bees IS NOT up for discussion at 9. Please I'm trying to make it to my 40th birthday.
No wonder why my wife and I sit and stare at each other over coffee in the morning. These kids are crazy! Not saying that we're not, because I for one can totally vouch for my insanity. However, they're getting to my wife. The other morning we were having coffee and she was scrolling through her phone and said "bless you". Confused, I looked at her and said, "hunny, I didn't sneeze". She said, "no, not you. The cat sneezed." I'm sorry. Did you seriously just bless the cat... that sneezed?
I mean I'm still trying to grasp the concept that our friggen cats walk around saying "hello". Listen, If I wanted a friggen parrot I would have bought a parrot. I got enough mouths in this house that talk, now the animals done lost their shit thinking they can speak too? Don't get me started on the two dogs. According to my wife, they lost their minds too with the talking back when you correct them. I'm just trying to figure out why our male dog with get all vicious and protective when someone walks down the street and then runs in the opposite direction? Bro, where the fuck you going? Let's not forget Gia, the Princess dog. Her ass doesn't get out of bed until well after noon. Glad to see that we will all end up dead if there's an intrusion because Gia will lay in the bed on her back expecting belly rubs and Teddy's will be like
NOW do you all understand why we need Jesus plushies up in this house? We have one kid that wants to be a supernatural, one that wants to be a bear, one that wants to know about birth control, one that thinks Jesus is a stuffed animal and we bless the cats and dogs when they sneeze! Jesus can come in and take the damn wheel!
I saw this quote the other day and it never resonated so much with me than at this particular point in my life. The quote was this:
"Raising children is like being pecked to death by chickens"
Yes, I'm comparing children to chickens.. sue me! If you think about it, they're really not much different than chickens. You would be amazed at the similarities. For example did you know that a group of chickens is called a flock? I'm sure you did, BUT did you know that a group of children is also known as a flock? Here's another one: chickens can communicate with more than 24 vocalizations. I'm sure you're all stumped on how this compares to children, so let me explain. Have you ever heard 5 children in a room at the same time? There ya go. One more comparison, chickens slurp grass like spaghetti. Kids slurp EVERYTHING!
Now that I have successfully compared children to chickens, lets move on to how they peck us to death. We'll first start with our little guy. This 9 year old is like a junior terrorist trained in torture. I'm serious, every 5 seconds you hear "Mom?" It doesn't stop when you answer because in another 5 seconds you get "Mom?" again. I don't know about you, but in a 24 hour span hearing "mom" a million times will make anyone become this:
The other day he comes home from school and decides to tell us at dinner that he pulled out his tooth in class. Now I can understand pulling your loose teeth out when you're getting money from the Tooth Fairy, but that bitch is officially retired from this house. I asked him why he was pulling out his loose teeth and his response was, "well you started it mommy when you pulled out my first loose tooth".
Ok, in my defense, I did pull out A loose tooth, as in one, because he was freaking out that he could swallow it. However, I did not have any intentions of setting a trend of pulling out loose teeth. As if pulling out his own loose teeth isn't bad enough, Jr. Dexter over here asks a million and one questions that I for one can't answer. For example, the other day I picked him up from school and he was telling me about this kid that was being mean. He then asked me why did the kid have to mean. Without thinking, I responded with "well sometimes kids are little assholes, that's why mom and I are strict with you, so you're not a little asshole". Of course he comes home and thanks my wife for not allowing him to "be a little asshole". What? I told him the truth! My wife on the other hand had to rectify the situation with the correct response after giving me this look:
No sense in sugar coating it, I mean come on.
Lets move on to another one of our children shall we, our 20 year old Mike. About two months ago, Mike bought himself a newer car with all the bells and whistles in it. He worked very hard for that car and we were very proud of him. Less than a few weeks ago I get a text message from him asking me what the process was on trading his car in and getting another one. I stared at my phone confused because I thought he just got a new car. I told him how the process worked and that it would be beneficial for him to keep the car he JUST got two months ago. He told me he wants the car of his dreams. Ok hunny, I want a LandRover, a private house on a secluded island and career where all I do is write, but here I am sitting at desk inside my office. Welcome to adulthood.
That response prompted repeated text message of this vehicle:
What in Jesus' name is this? It looks like a friggen bug! What exactly does one do with this vehicle? We live in the middle of the suburbs. There's no mountains, no large amount of snow, no forests that require that much lighting. Of course I told him that car was ugly and his NEW car that HE JUST GOT was nicer. He responded back with, "I can't go off roading with that one!" I'm sorry what? Now for the remainder of my day I had this image in my head:
It took a while, but we finally convinced him to be grateful for what he has and work hard for what he wants. So he bought a Fender guitar instead. Can't win them all! Guess the vehicle from a "Bug's Life" will have to wait a little longer.
This morning my wife and I were having coffee when Carlton walked in. Apparently the other night Bianca and Carlton went out to dinner at a BBQ place. I know this because Calrton dropped an entire rack of ribs on his pants and Bianca wanted to know if it would stain. That's not the point, but I figured I would give a little background first. Any who, Carlton comes in and thanks Bee for the left overs, which Bianca proudly announced she regretted leaving for Carlton. While I'm enjoying my morning coffee, Carlton comes out with this:
"I was kind of disappointed though, it was like the baby back ribs were dehydrated or something. You know like when a skeleton looses its flesh? It like shrunk or something".
That comment led to this reaction:
And then followed by this look:
First of all I'm still trying to figure out how a slab of baby back ribs can get dehydrated? Did they run laps around the refrigerator? Refrigerator shelf climbing while we were sleeping? Wrestling with the friggen carrots? Dehydrated... really? I'm now going to have to look into whether or not baby back ribs left over get dehydrated. Thanks big head!
So going back to the opening quote, parenting is not a job for the weak. Thank the lord baby jesus my wife does it. I mean I parent, actually I just follow her lead because If I parented my way it would like like this:
Well this week was full of funtastic adventures and complete and total insanity. Then again, when is it not?! I'm not going to wean anyone into the past week of the Gaydy's for the sole purpose of selfishness. Yes, I'm being completely selfish right now. Why you ask? Because this entire week I was surprised and caught off guard every time my eyes opened from the peaceful dream world of me swinging on a hammock on a secluded sandy beach surrounded by bottle of Jack Daniels and crystal blue water.
So here we go. Let's start with Monday morning, shall we. Half asleep I arise from peaceful dream and stumble into the bathroom with half opened eyes only to find this sitting on our bathroom counter:
I damn near had a heart attack when I turned on the light and saw a friggen head sitting on my counter. I fell back into the door and yelled, "What the shit is this!" In my head, this all took place in slow motion, like a bomb going off and a person falling back like this:
It's not everyday you walk into your bathroom and see a head with hair sitting on your counter sink just hanging out, waiting for you to brush your teeth! Of course my beautiful wife comes in and said "Oh, I put it in here because the cat got into the bedroom!" So you decided that the bathroom was the most appropriate place to put your wig, not the bedroom closet? She's precious. While she likes to wear a wig from time to time, I prefer them on HER head, not the bathroom counter.
As if that wasn't a shock to the system to get ya going on a Monday morning, later on in the afternoon my email goes off and I find this:
Ummm....While I appreciate the offer, I think I'm going to pass on the offer from "Erect_on_Demand". First of all, who sends this shit? Secondly, you're going to use a cucumber... really, a friggen cucumber? Get creative with your ads for porn or viagra don't violate a poor vegetable, think of all the vegans out there you deplorables.
While we're on the topic of vegetables, let's move to Tuesday shall we. Tuesday morning over my morning coffee, my lovely wife informed me that we.... WE, as in her and I and our Daughter Bianca were going on a 40 day fast. I'm not sure how they became a WE but it happened. I asked what the fast consisted of and apparently the first day was no solid food and just water. I sat there with my coffee like:
Apparently the water flushes out the "toxins" in the body and prepares your body for the healthy eating. You know what else flushes out the toxins? COFFEE! In any event, after the first day of drinking water all day, we then move to fruits, vegetables, fish and chicken, but in small quantities. My wife gave me the whole speech on "clean eating" and the only thing I could think about was what the hell am I going to be eating for lunch! Have no fear....the wife had it all figured out!
My lovely wife decided that I would eat kale salad for lunch... every day... for 40 friggen days. So here I am eating Kale and drinking water because I just go along with everything that takes place in this house. Has anyone actually eaten kale? Seriously it's the longest chew of your life. I can literally see 5 years flash before my eyes while I'm eating my lunch because your constantly chewing, like this:
So far that was my Monday and Tuesday. Now on Wednesday my wife tells me that our little guy is having his first social studies quiz on the government. So I tell her to tell him that the government is corrupt and the only way to truly overcome political corruption is by civil disobedience. This is when my wife calls me an idiot and tells me that she will be handling the studying with him because if left up to me he will fail. Let's take a look at his study guide and we'll decide together If he would have failed if I studied with him:
Ok, let's break this down topic by topic:
I don't know about you all, but I think the little guy would have done just fine if I was allowed to study with him.
Thursday rolls around and yes I'm still eating kale like a friggen cow in preparation of being slaughtered, so some guy who had the balls to tell his wife no, can enjoy a friggen hamburger. No worries, I'm all good with my kale and small portions of fish, chicken, fruits and vegetables. Oh, let's not forget cheese. I can have cheese. If that doesn't put a friggen smile on my face then I don't know what will.
Oh, I know. As I'm driving home from work on Thursday, I called my wife. She informed that she had just got done watching the movie "A Beautiful Mind" and somehow the guy in the movie played by Russell Crowe reminded her so much of me. So of course I asked her why and she said because "you know, you have that very unique brain. The way you think, it's different. Most people don't have the things you have pop into their heads. You come out with some really random things that to others aren't normal". Wow hunny, I suppose a thank you is in order. She quickly countered with, "he was brilliant". Meanwhile I'm like:
So here I am for days into my week and we've learned the following:
Friday was no different than the other days, I was still starving and afraid to cheat for the sake of having to look my wife in the eyes. Like I had just committed a felony. My wife informed me that our daughter Bianca was upset because Big Head refers to their cat Finn as #NotMyCat. Now this upset Bianca because she thinks Finn overheard Carlton tell her that and now Finn is distraught. Personally I would have to agree with Carlton, as the cat looks stoned like Cheech from Cheech & Chong. Finn looks like this 24-7:
Date night was last night and I was excited because I thought that I was going to be able to stray from the 40 day fast. Here we are at the restaurant and I was about to order a nice draft beer and the wife told me that beer wasn't allowed on the diet. Ah yes, how could I forget the diet that I NEVER AGREED TO BE ON. So I settle for a unsweetened ice tea, which is basically like drinking brown water. I start looking at the appetizers and said, "lets get the nachos." She looked at me and said, "no, we're ordering the lettuce wraps". Oh that sounds delicious, more friggen salad! So here I am eating dinner like:
For the love of the food Gods, there needs to be a "free day"! This is torture. Clean eating my ass, it's a form of torture. It's down right just wrong to deprive a person of a frozen burrito. I hear my wife say every morning, "I feel great! I have so much energy and my stomach feels less bloated after I eat!" Well woopty-friggen-do for you there precious! I'M STARVING and my stomach is screaming at me to eat something that doesn't have the words "clean eating" attached to it. My stomach is pissed off at me right now!
This brings me to the last day of this fantastic week, Sunday. The wife decided that for breakfast we would have eggs. So I said "well, sausage egg and cheese on a biscuit sounds delicious". Wishful thinking because it was just eggs. Naturally the dogs were going crazy while we were eating them because she makes them eggs in the morning too. So now the dogs are on a clean eating fast too. The dogs wouldn't go near their food, so my wife said, "maybe we should pretend to eat their food so they think it's our food and then they'll eat it?" Um...
So here I am like an asshole holding a dog's bowl pretending to eat their food and going, "mmmm look Gia, mommy's eating your food!" After I put the bowl down, I realized one thing.. I've completely lost my mind.
When we rise - Episode 3 Recap
Episode 3 was so relatable to my wife and I on so many levels. Being lesbians and moms to 5 kids we had our share of struggles in the beginning to be acknowledged by their schools, especially during parent/teacher conferences. This is going back as recent as 6 years ago when we dealt with this issue. Where we lived at that time wasn't exactly "gay friendly", but as a family we stood together and took each day and made it known that while we were a gay couple raising kids, we were still a family.
Seeing parents not accepting their children for being gay, or referring to them as having an illness, breaks our hearts. While my wife's parents were accepting of her, my parents were not. To this day, they struggle to acknowledge and accept me for being who I am. The feeling of knowing that the very people that brought you into this world, who's one job was to love you unconditionally, can't or couldn't is a feeling that stays with that child.
HIV/AIDS was a genocide to the LGBTQ community, especially gay men and our health system did not care. The mere fact that it was ignored for so long by government officials is disheartening. The amount of time that it took for the government to find a solution was deplorable, taking the lives of thousands.
when we rise- Finale Recap
What an inspiring and emotional finale! There was so much in that finale that my wife and I remember like it was yesterday.
First, let me touch on gay families. Being an LGBT Family my wife and I raised our children without labels. We raised them with unconditional love. We taught them tolerance and acceptance of all human beings. We taught them that hate has no place in their hearts. Not once did any of our 5 children ever hesitate to announce they had two moms. To them we were and always will be a normal family. That is the point that seems to be forgotten. LGBTQ people are normal, LGBTQ families are normal and the world needs to see more of that.
Before marriage equality I "married" my wife twice. Little commitment ceremonies, but it never felt right. The word marriage DOES mean something! We remember the exact moment in 2015 when we found out we were able to legally marry! We will never forget that moment we said our vows and we're legally married! It gave our children a sense of pride and they felt safe in knowing that we were now a traditional family.
This series was needed at the most crucial time for America. A time when there is so much "unknown" lingering amongst the LGBTQ community. To know our roots and to see the struggles that have been overcome gives our LGBTQ youth hope for a brighter future. It's our time more than ever to take the torch that has been passed and keep fighting for what is legally right for all Americans.... EQUALITY!
"One struggle. One fight. When We Rise" we will overcome!
We're not even sure where to begin. We feel so much emotion right now.
The LGBTQ community has always faced a fight to be normalized and accepted no matter what decade it was or is for that matter. No matter how many battles were won, another was waiting in the wings to be fought. This message is important, especially NOW!
This episode showed the heart and soul of the LGBTQ community. No matter how many obstacles stand in our way, we will always overcome because we as a community are a FAMILY! We will continue to fight the good fight, we will continue to show America that we are not invisible, we will show America that we are HUMAN!
Please feel free to share your thoughts about episode 2 with us in the comment section.
#WhenWeRise we are #StrongerTogether
Like most of the LGBTQ family, my wife and I tuned in to watch Dustin Lance Black's "When We Rise" last night. First and foremost we would like to say thank you to Dustin for showing the world the real struggles LGBTQ community had to endure, as well as miniorities such as women and African Americans.
We were able to relate to this because we both came our late in life because of our upbringings. Being Catholic and knowing that we were different, and not knowing if we had a place in society. The emotions my wife and I felt watching this episode brought us back to the struggles we both faced growing up in a country where it wasn't as accepted as it is today.
Places like Stonewall and people like Harvey Milk gave us the courage to stand up and be who we really are. To be able to wake up feeling proud of who we are and the strength we have to keep fighting has been given to us by the individuals portrayed in this film.