I don't know who needs to hear this but 2021 is NOT better than 2020. In fact it's just a continuation of the fuckery that was 2020. I'm not making the same mistake I made in 2020 where I didn't keep track of all the fucked up shit that happened, I'm ahead of the game now. I'm like Alice from the LWord when she charts all the women Shane slept with. To be honest, I had high hopes for 2021, I even popped a 10 year old bottle of Dom to commemorate the end of 2020 and the start of a New Year and what happens? I'll tell you what happened... Capital Hill gets attacked by a bunch of crazy people, new strains of Covid are just popping up all over the place, some chick puts gorilla glue in her hair- gets a free surgery- becomes verified on social media ONLY to cut off all her hair after and keep it slicked back, Texas gets hit with a snow storm, Ebola outbreak in West Africa, Kim and Kanye are in marriage trouble (I mean we all saw that coming tho) and Screech from Saved by the Bell dies!! It's only fucking February! I don't know about ya'll but I'm done and I want to get off this ride.
As if all of the above isn't crazy enough, my wife was scrolling through TikTok and saw that someone had a sloth as a pet. You're all probably wondering why that sounds like it's a bad thing, I'll direct your attention to the 7 cats and 2 dogs that we have. So here we are sitting on the couch and she says "aww babe look, you can have a sloth as a pet! Ale would love that, she loves sloths!" Which then prompts me to look at her like this:
She goes on to tell me that it would be so cute for Ale to have a pet sloth, but was concerned about how difficult it might be to find a Sloth Vet. Then she started researching if regular vets take care of Sloths or if you have to take a Sloth to a special Vet. I'm sitting on the couch like it doesn't matter because we're not getting a fucking SLOTH! I really think the whole quarantining away from people is making us all a little whacked in the mind. I mean I wasn't exactly playing with a full deck before COVID so I didn't have much to lose to begin with. For example, when COVID shut everything down, I couldn't find work because all the law firms were laying people off so I decided to go into construction, I mean how hard could it have been, I landscaped our whole front and back yard. So here I am fully embracing the lesbian that I am, working in construction. Coming home all dirty, smelly and covered in paint, saw dust, spackle, grout and mud, with my workbooks and cargo shorts. I really played the part well, until one day we were installing cabinets in a house on Raccoon Island in Hopatcong. Now, let me explain the situation.. the only way to this house is by boat, so everything from the truck that you're going to need including the cabinets need to be loaded onto this little ass boat and brought over. It's friggen 7:30 in the morning, I've been up since 5am and here I am loading cabinets into a boat when my boot catches the corner of the dock and I end up in the fucking lake. My boss grabs me by the hood of my jacket and is trying to pull me up but instead is choking me out and the bosses wife is standing there with a camera in her hand saying, "save the cabinet!" Meanwhile here I am in the lake holding up a cabinet with my boobs while my boss is choking me. There is no doubt in my mind that, that whole situation didn't go something like this:
Only I saved the cabinet! When we got across the lake to the house we were working on, I sent Tammy a text saying, "I just fell in the fucking lake with a cabinet!" Which prompted a test response of laughing emojis followed by, "are you okay?" Yep, all good, just go about your day laughing about how I fell in a fucking lake with a cabinet. I'm freezing because I'm soaking wet and here's my wife at home with coffee and all cuddled in comfy warm clothes:
So because I'm compromised with one full working lung, I had to look for remote paralegal jobs, which I was lucky enough to find not only one but two. So I work for one firm during the day and one firm at night, 6 days a week. So we converted our bedroom into our bedroom/my home office. I like working remote because I don't have pretend to like anyone I work with because I don't see anyone except for a weekly zoom call. Not to mention I don't have to get dressed up for work, which is a huge plus for me! I wake up in the morning, get my coffee and then decide... pjs all day or joggers and a t-shirt? There's no struggle in picking out an outfit for the day! I like working remotely, I don't think I could ever go back into an office setting again. That being said, working remote does have its challenges, mainly a 13 year old who plays xbox and has absolutely NO INSIDE voice whatsoever. Then of course there's those times where I'm on a zoom a call and Tammy or the kids will go to come in the room and notice and then it's like:
I even bought one of those white sound machines that therapist offices have for the bedroom to silence the loud mouths of all our children while I'm working. I mean I get it, I can't expect complete silence for the entire 14 hours that I work. Which brings me to the next bitching session.. why the hell are kids so loud? I don't get it... if you're sitting around the kitchen table is it completely necessary to talk like your in a stadium full of people? I think Tam and I gave up on watching tv in the living room because you Anthony who's yelling at his friends for not doing something in the game he's playing on xbox; you got Ale yelling to Bee and Carlton from her room to theirs and them answering back from their room to hers. Here's an idea, how about you all pick a room and hang out in it and talk that way?? Meanwhile I feel like putting subtitles on our tv just so I don't have to put the volume up to 65 to drown out the noise. Then they all come downstairs every night at the exact same time and hang out in the kitchen at that point it's like turn the tv off or pause the show because we ain't hearing SHIT now! Every night in our house at the same time it's like:
On a side-note Punxsutawney Phil saw his fucking shadow, there's a shocker. I mean hasn't this son-of-a-bitch seen his shadow for the past three years? I think it's time he retires and we get a new one or how about we just do away with the whole groundhog seeing his shadow means 6 more weeks of winter. I mean haven't we all been through enough shit this past year??? Do we really need 6 more weeks of a wintery hell??? I mean when Punxsutawney saw his shadow he really said every body is getting a winter!! Poor Texas, they don't know what to do in snow, they don't even sell snow blowers in Texas (I don't know this for a fact, I'm just assuming). Texans probably thought the world was coming to a damn end when it started snowing heavy. Texans are all standing around looking at each other like:
Meanwhile over here on the East Coast, we've already had three friggen storms and have no where to put the damn snow that wants to keep coming. It's like God, Mother Nature and Old Man Winter all got together and are playing rock, paper, scissors on what and who gets to throw shit at us next. Other countries are sitting around their televisions watching the United States' new reality show. Please don't make me elaborate on that last sentence!
Every one on social media is talking about how COVID makes you realize how important time with your family is and how before COVID we all took it for granted. I am here to officially say that while time with your family is important, this is a BIT FUCKING MUCH NOW! It's like we all got put in timeout to realize what's really important.... we get it, we understand, can we please, please, please for the love of my sanity go back to normal now! I love my wife, I love my kids but they're all I see, all day, all night. I have officially ran out of places to friggen hide! I'll go out to the kitchen and get some water and I hear footsteps and I'm all like:
When you're stuck in the house with the family for so long you really start to notice things. I never noticed how much our kids ate until this damn quarantine. Breakfast, Snack, Lunch, Snack, Dinner, Snack, Late night Snack. Like DAMN! How many times you kids need to eat in a day, ya'll are grown!!!!! None of you are going through a damn growth spurt! Then they're all like, "oh we don't have any more bagels? We're out of milk? We don't have any snacks?" No, yes and no because all you kids do is eat! I'm starting to resort to hiding food in our room just so I can have a snack, who am I kidding, we've been doing that! Sometimes I walk out into the kitchen and I swear all I see is arms flying like:
These kids out number Tam and I. As soon as this shit is over Tam and I are going on vacation from our kids! I'm gonna need a third job just to pay for groceries!
Well I'm done ranting for the night!
Stay tuned for a Gaydy Bunch Family wedding next month!
Make sure you're all following us on TikTok @KrisandTammy!