I decided to revamp the website a little bit, mostly because I noticed that our kids have grown and no one looks the same anymore. I put some new photos in with the old photos, so you're just going to have to watch the whole damn slideshow to see the new ones. I'm not going to start off saying "Well, it's been a while since the last blog", because I know it has and by now you all should know it too. I will, however say, HAPPY 2020 everyone! A new decade is here! Is it me or has January felt like a decade in itself? In any event, I won't bore you with the extent of our celebrating the New Year, but for you nosy people, it involved wearing Pj's, the couch, watching the ball drop and then immediately going to bed right after. We are what some might call "Lit"!
The first day of the New Year started out pretty much the same way as every morning of the last decade. We got up and had coffee. Here's where it's going to get interesting. While Tam and I are sitting on the couch having coffee, we see Carlton come down and say, "be right back, just running out". Shortly after Carlton leaves, we see Mike and his girlfriend leave saying, "hey be right back, just running out". Nothing too strange about that, right? Just wait! Carlton comes home with a bag containing 4 bagels from bagel shop. Mike comes home holding a tray with four Starbucks coffees. At this point I look at Tam and do this:
Now I know I'm not very good at math, but I know the basics and I know four plus two equals six. Six people in said house at the time of this selfish act, four coffees and four bagels, which means Carlton was two bagels short and Mike was two coffees short! It appears that the kids had decided that it would be nice if they had themselves a nice little New Year's Day breakfast and EXCLUDE THEIR MOMS. The moms that brought them into this world, raised them, clothed them, continuously feed them and keep a roof over their heads while not paying any rent whatsoever. No really, don't worry about us! You sit there in your selfishness while you sip your Starbucks and eat your egg and cheese on a bagel, we're fine with our Folgers. Of course, I had to make it known that the three weeks leading up to Christmas we ordered food for them because we were so busy with shopping and wrapping all the Christmas presents we had bought them. Then, I added a friendly reminder of all the Christmas gifts they got as well, by itemizing their gifts!! They quickly tried to back pedal by saying, "You guys don't usually eat breakfast?" That's when I gave Tammy this look:
Tammy looked at me like:
Please explain to me what us not usually eating breakfast has ANYTHING to do with asking if we wanted something!? We may not eat breakfast but we certainly drink coffee. In any event, I went on a sarcastic, chop busting rampage for a few hours, I also informed them that if we totaled up all the take out and their Christmas presents, then each owe us $2, 562.72. My rampage must have worked because later that night they went out and came back with coffee for us. Moms 1- Kids 0!
On a brighter note, our Christmas tree survived and will make it to see another Christmas, I can't say the same for the Minnie Mouse outside decoration though. Here's why....the morning I decided to instruct the boys to take down the decorations, I walked outside and saw Minnie's head hanging off, an ear was in the middle of the lawn and one of her legs on the ground. That fucking decoration had been a pain in the ass the whole time it was up. Her head was always hanging off her neck. Every time the wind was strong, Minnie was just like "fuck this shit, I'm laying down" despite how many spikes I had put in. Actually, I'm still finding spikes in the lawn. This year I was in complete awe when it came time to take the inside and outside decoration down. I didn't have to bribe a single kid, they were so eager to take everything down. See now normal parents would be like, "wow that's so sweet, they're so helpful", then there's me! When the boys had all the decorations outside down, they moved to the inside and at that point I sat there looking like:
I know kids... they don't do anything unless there is something in it for themselves. That being said, I figured out why they were in such a hurry to take everything down. It had nothing to do with anything other than putting up the brand new cat tree that had been sitting in the box before Christmas. I'm not sure what the excitement was over putting up the new cat tree, but it motivated them to get all the Christmas decorations down and put away in an hour. Naturally as soon as we (and by we, I mean the kids) get all the decorations down, my lovely wife started with the whole "oh we have to decorate for Valentine's Day"! Now this comment from my wife immediately prompts this reaction from me:
What could you possibly do to decorate for Valentine's Day? Seriously, let's think about this together. My wife suggested a red heart wreath on the front door. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Are we suppose to hang those babies with adult faces, wearing diapers shooting arrows from the ceiling? Why is this even something we decorate for? Christmas and Thanksgiving are more like seasonal holidays so you can get away with decorating and leaving the shit up for a while. Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day... you just can't do it. I know I'm right about this. I will most likely lose this argument, as I do most arguments but I really don't see the point in decorating for ONE day.
By now, you all should know that there is never a dull moment in this house, a new decade doesn't mean shit. I think I had mentioned a while back in one of the blogs that the girls bathroom had flooded and our hallway ceiling light filled up like a fish bowl. If not, then you have now been informed. In any event, I was doing something when my wife informed that the hallway ceiling was leaking again. She wasn't wrong, however it didn't appear to be a bad one. I call our plumber and he comes over and cuts out the section AGAIN. He tells us that the caulking in the shower is bad and that's where the water is coming from. Not sure that sounds right but okay. Long story short he caulks the shower and tells us we should be good to go in 24 hours. Well, 24 hours come and someone took a shower. Now I'm playing Xbox and I hear what appears to be a downpour of rain in the hallway. I think it's something in the game I'm playing until I kept hearing it. I went out into the hallway only to see this:
I may be slightly exaggerating with the above Gif, but we definitely had enough water where I had to put a bucket. I call our plumber and proceed to inform him that the caulking wasn't the problem. Long story short, 3 plumbers from the same company, three different answers and the end result is the girls shower is off limits until we get it replaced. Now, for all my OCD people out there, you will be the most sympathetic to this situation as I NOW have to share our shower with 3 other children. This may not be too big of a deal to others but understand that we have a 16 year old girl and a 23 year old girl that legit have 2 bottles for their face wash, 2 different body washes, 3 different types of shampoo...EACH! Why? Just why? I don't understand why you need that many showering toiletries, you are ONE friggen person. We can't forget their razors and loofas. Then we have our son-in-law that likes to change the stream on the shower head so it feels like razor blades are being pelted at you at 85 miles per hour and forgets to change it back, so when I get in the shower, it looks like this:
So now that we have to have the upstairs shower redone, we decided to do a little remodeling in the kitchen and living room. I've been dragged to every Lowe's, Home Depot and furniture store in a 20 mile radius of where we live. However, I have come to learn very quickly...."happy wife, happy life." So whenever the wife shows me a color she likes, or a couch she likes or a countertop she likes, this is generally my response:
Now this is generally my response, because when I give my opinion on interior design, my wife looks at me like this:
Clearly, which is why I just agree with whatever the boss says.
Totally off topic but what the hell are stink bugs and why can't they be killed off? It's like a prehistoric insect that has robotic insides. The reason why I bring this up is because it's the dead of winter and these little fuckers are still around and like our daughters' rooms, which means I'm the one that has to go and find them, collect them and put them outside. I don't know why I have been designated as the Stinkbug Exterminator but I'm not a fan of bugs. Which brings me to the other day when I was coming home from picking up our daughter from work when my wife texts me and says "there's a stinkbug in Anthony's room and you have to get it!" Now she couldn't see my expression but it looked something like this:
So I get home and go into Anthony's room like this:
Not just because of the lurking sting bug, not just because of it being Anthony's room, but because my wife decided that she would try to kill it with drowning it in Raid bug spray. You all know what Raid smells like right? Imagine a closed room and walking into it. It's like this:
Needless to say the Raid didn't do anything but make my eyes water and my lungs constrict for oxygen!
Speaking of lungs... I had my lung capacity test done since the pulmonary embolism had dissolved. I have to say, blowing into a machine is not fun. The test was 4 parts and lasted about 30 minutes. You have to inhale for a count of 10 and exhale for a count of 10, then I had to blow really hard and inhale really quick. Nice way to get lightheaded and almost pass out, in case anyone is into that! In any event I was allowed to take breaks in between and I happened to look over at my wife and she was sitting in the chair like this:
After the test, I asked my wife why she was recording me and her response was simple...."I wanted to show you how red in the face you were getting!"
How sweet was that? As if I couldn't tell I was getting red in the face by the coughing attacks I would have after every part of the test! I'm sure you are all wondering what has been going on with my health...if you haven't been then...
Not to mention:
In any event.... I have been back and forth to different doctors and no one can seem to figure out what exactly is going on with my heart. It's been very frustrating until I had a brilliant idea a few days ago. I'm going to find Dr. House. Why you ask? Well it's simple, no matter how complicated the medical case is, this dude has that shit figured out, medications prescribed and treatment ordered all in fifty-nine minutes! Besides, who doesn't want a doctor that rides a motorcycle, wears, jeans and pops Vicodin and does this while he's treating you:
At this point, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so Dr. House please hit me up asap!