What a crazy weekend! I'm not sure if I should keep drinking coffee or hit the bottle of Jack hidden in my nightstand! Please, all you parents out there know you have a bottle of something stashed some where in your bedroom; or am I the only one?
Friday night our daughter Alessandra made her Confirmation, which meant that our week leading up to this event was complete and total chaos. Before I break down the complete and total chaos that transpired this past week, let me first fill you in on our daughter Bianca lecturing her boyfriend on how to talk to and treat the cats.
Apparently Big Head likes to tease the cats. Now by teasing I mean chasing them around the house like a spastic child. Bianca wasn't having that, so she told him to stop teasing the cats and that it was mean. His response was "oh come on, they need to grow up!" Not sure what he was expecting when he said that. I mean did he expect the friggen cat to stand up on its back legs and walk out of the house and get a job like this?
Time to grow up kitty cat! Apparently Big Head also speaks to the cats in a very condescending tone according to our daughter Bianca. So not only is he teasing the cats but he's condescending to them. Come on Big Head, cats have feelings too! The whole time this conversation is taking place, I'm sitting at the table looking at them like:
So in the beginning of the week I was informed that Alessandra needed a dress for the Confirmation. Of course my wife needed new shoes, because our dog Teddy decided that he wasn't fond of any of her shoes so he ate them....all. On top of that, Bianca wanted to get a gift for Alessandra since she was her sponsor, and Tammy wanted to get a little something from us. So while they were out shopping, my wife called to tell me that she saw a Jesus plushy. I told her I wanted it so I could cuddle with Jesus at night. What!? Come on, it's not everyday that you get to cuddle with Jesus. I was really excited, I pictured bedtime with my Jesus plushy like this:
So I come home only to find that Alessandra had a new dress and shoes, my wife had new shoes, Bianca bought herself a new dress, gifts for Alessandra were bought and NO FRIGGEN JESUS PLUSHY FOR KRIS! Apparently my wife thought I was kidding, but my face showed otherwise:
So once again everyone got what they wanted except me and Jesus.I wonder if I can order it on Amazon? I'll look into that and get back to you all.
Confirmation day arrives and the girls are getting ready. Anthony comes out in a three piece suit like he's ready for a wedding. Naturally he was ready before the girls. I had gotten home from work around 4 and was ready in 15 minutes and of course the girls were STILL getting ready. Anthony was kind enough to inform me that he looked much better than I did. Thank you son, now shut up! We had to be at Church by 6pm, for a start time of 7pm. Which I'm still confused about.
Seriously, what was the need to be there an hour before it started? I can understand organization but an hour? Those pews aren't exactly comfortable. My ass cheeks were numb about 10 minutes into being there. By now you all know I have A.D.D. so by 15 minutes in I was wishing I had one these bad boys:
Who am I kidding, I'd probably need two, one for each hand!
We knew it was about to get serious when the guys with feather hats carrying swords came walking down the isle! In my head I was thinking that shit is about to get real. Then my mind went to, oh please baby Jesus don't let none of these men trip and fall. Jesus don't mess around! Right after the Knights of Jesus, the Bishop came down followed by 5 other priests. Our little guy wanted to know who all those people were so I told him they were all apart of Jesus' gang. Don't worry he's still in CCD he'll get the right answer soon enough.
The Bishop gave his speech after the class was confirmed. Now I don't know about you, but when a speech starts out like:
"the first Confirmation took place after Jesus had died and rose again and since then those Apostles have died!"
Well, isn't that just a bundle of inspiration wrapped in a fucking bow! If I was sitting there in my Confirmation gown, I'd start rethinking whether or not making my Confirmation was a good idea! I mean when I heard that, I automatically reacted like:
During the singing I admit I started finding different ways to dab discreetly. You'd be surprised how many ways you can dab and to any type of music! This of course prompted my wife to remind that Anthony, who's 9, was behaving better than I was. Of course he was behaving, he was playing games on her phone, while my phone got taken away. Apparently tweeting in church is unacceptable.
By the end of he night Alessandra was getting hangry (hungry angry) and was over the picture taking and just wanted Taco Bell. Way to reflect on Jesus and your accomplishments of making it through all your sacraments kid! So glad we spend all that money on years of CCD to end the night reflecting on quesadilla sand crunchy gorditas. Alessandra spent the night rejoicing in this:
Sorry Jesus but Quesadillas come first to a 13 year old.
Saturday morning came around quick. We were all up early getting ready for the family party to celebrate tacos... I mean Alessandra's Confirmation. Now I won't bore you with the family party details so I'll just fast forward to my wife and I passing out in exhaustion on the couch. In my defense I did not hear her say for us to go to bed. Apparently, I responded to her telling me to come to bed. I do not recall the demand or the response. So, Sunday morning I woke up to a smack on the arm and a "get up Kris!" It kind of played out like this
I carefully opened one eye and saw her standing over me while I was still on the couch like this:
Here's some advice, when your wife tells you it's time to go to bed.... even if you vaguely remember her trying to wake you up, roll yourself off the couch and crawl to the bedroom if you have too! Because if you do not do the above actions, you will have to endure this until the coffee kicks in:
So once the coffee kicked in and I was in my wife's good graces we decided to scroll through the insanely large amount of photographs we took from the Confirmation. My wife of course was telling me that she didn't like any of the photographs with her in them because she looked liked she was carrying the 6th Gaydy child. My wife was wearing a flowy dress and it was windy, hence why she thought she looked pregnant.
I of course had to perform am emergency intervention by showing her the picture of me and telling her that I looked like the friggen Pillsbury Doughgay! Poke my stomach and watch the fucking glitter fly!
In all seriousness (yes, I cant actually be serious, it's not often so take advantage peeps, take advantage), it was a very beautiful ceremony. Tammy and I were so proud of Alessandra for making her Confirmation and for Bianca becoming a Godmother for the first time. It was heartwarming to see their bond as sisters grow even deeper.
Here's a slideshow of Alessandra's Confirmation. Enjoy!
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Okay now that my pitch is over let's move on to catching up with The Gaydy's! This past week and weekend has been crazy, but then again we wouldn't expect anything less! Last weekend we had a houseguest. Yes that's right, Gunkle Matt came to visit and spent time with us and the kids!
Relax, don't panic, we planned Gunkle Matt's arrival. It wasn't like Will Smith showing up in Bel Air all like:
Actually it was more like this:
Let's start with the first night, I mean that seems like the most appropriate place to start. So the first night became something like a cross between Dancing With the Stars minus the Stars and American Idol. Alessandra and Bianca performed their usual routine of "Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing, which ended in the graceful lift and by graceful I mean:
From there they performed several other dance routines that made me pull a few muscles and have an asthma attack just watching them. Anthony decided to jump into the mix with his standard "Ju Ju on the Beat". Gunkle Matt got into the groove and performed a duet with Bianca from the Musical Wicked. I felt like I was at a private showing for The Gaydy's Got Talent! My wife and I just sat back and enjoyed not hearing "Mom, Mommy, Ma, Mom, Mommy, Ma, Mommy, MOMS" for the entire night.. thank you very much Gunkle Matt! We ended the night with my wife and I finally excited to have Gunkle Matt here to occupy the kids. Which meant that we danced to the bedroom like:
Gunkle Matt is a game junkie, so every night we spent family time playing a different game. We played charades, heads up and mad libs. Charades was the best because it was the adults versus the kids, so we purposely picked topics that we knew they couldn't act out! Asshole move, I know, but hey can't let them win! One of the topics was Famous Buildings in New York City. Of course Gunkle Matt and my wife being born and raised in the City had this one down! When it came time for the kids, Carlton had to guess. The first building that came up was the Flatiron building. Bianca gave the best clue, by saying "What do I do with my hair every day". Carlton busts out with Eiffel Tower, followed by a group "WHAT?! then this look:
I'm still trying to figure out how we went from Famous Buildings in New York to the Eiffel Tower? Where in "what I do with with my hair everyday" gives one the notion that they were indicating the fucking Eiffel Tower!? I don't think I'll ever look at our daughter's hair the same without thinking about the Eiffel Tower. I mean I know she does french braids and shit, but really?
Gunkle Matt got to do the drop offs and pick ups with Mamma Tammy and when I came home from work I heard, "Hi honey, how was your day" by not only my wife but by Matt. It was like Will & Grace all up in the Gaydy House! This past weekend the kids went to visit their dads so Tammy, Matt and myself decided to take a road trip upstate. While all the kids were sad to say goodbye to their Gunkle, we were like:
Until my lovely wife tells me we were bringing Gia along with us for our "adult" weekend getaway! Isn't she just precious!
Of course we were bringing Gia, I mean what would be a road trip of adults without a furry four legged dog that thinks she's an actual toddler! My wife remind me to leave my clothes out so she can pack them when she packs GIA's bag! This bitch! Not only is she coming on a long over-due road trip with us but she has her own bag. Isn't that fucking special!?
So here we are all getting ready for a weekend upstate with no kids and this bitch is in the back seat like:
For your viewing pleasure here is a little clip of the beginning of our road trip. We'll have more videos up later this week with the fabulous Only Matt Martin (@onlymattmartin), so check back with us soon!
Happy belated "a half naked baby that looks like an adult in depends flies around and shoots you in the ass with an arrow" Day!
First, I hope that all the loving couples out there celebrated their undying love and devotion to each other. Secondly, to all the single people, have no fear you'll get shot in the ass soon enough. Can we just take a moment and reflect on how demented and violent Cupid really is? Think about it. Just take a moment and think about the story line. It's pretty fucking twisted if you ask me.
According to Wikipedia (screw SIRI, Wiki knows everything), Cupid is the son of the love Goddess Venus and the War God of Mars...okayyyyy......
Now I'm not exactly sure as to what Ms. Venus and Mr. Mars did that they ended up becoming planets, but I'm prettttttty sure it has to do something with their kid Cupid going around shooting everyone in the hearts and shit. Got a little a head of myself there, let me back up. So any way Venus meets Mars but get this, Mars has a counterpart named Eros. So I'm not sure which one is Cupid's baby daddy, Mars or Eros but nonetheless Cupid is born.
So Cupid grows up meets this chick named Psyche (immediate sign of TROUBLE! I mean come on Cupid, you meet a chick named Psyche and YOU think shit is going to go smooth?) So Cupid and Psycho.. or Pysche fall in love and Cupid agrees to marry Pysche but under the condition that she can never see his face?? Sounds a little Fifty Shades of Kinky if ya ask me?! Anyway, they have a kid that they named Pleasure. Way to go Cupid and Pysche you just gave your kid a stripper name! I digress... so as if this whole scenario isn't odd enough, get this....Cupid is blind! Which confuses me even more as why he would only marry his girl under the circumstances that she could never see his face. I mean it ain't like he was gonna know if she was looking or not! I mean right?!
Now this is where shit gets interesting. So apparently Psyche had some jealous sisters throwing shade at Cupid. Hey, we all have that ONE in the family, let's keep it moving! Psyche's sisters tell her that her husband is actually a "vile winged-serpent" that will eat her and her kid. I mean, that's some serious shade throwing. If I was Pysche I'd be like:
Apparently Psyche falls for the gossip and decides to go along with Shade and Shadier. Cupid is passed out on the couch and Psyche tries to come at him with a dagger and a lamp. Psyche finally catches a glimpse of Cupid after she cuts herself on the arrow and thinks he's gorge (we all know it was because of the arrow that she felt that way), he panics, rushes out of the house but not without burning himself on some oil from the lamp. Now I'm not sure what happens with the sisters but Pysche ends up back at her mother-in-law's house. At this point in the story, the mother-in-law is all up in arms about the baby. I'm talking bitch goes batshit crazy and rips her clothes off and bashes her head into a rock and then mocks the baby. Then she goes to a wedding and
comes back drunk, wait... that sounds like my mother?! Bitch must have been like:
Now, somewhere in between an assembly of insects that do chores and fetching gold from violent sheep, Cupid and Pysche are finally reunited and married.
Now I'm not sure how I feel about Valentine's Day after breaking that down for you all. I mean the married couples are probably thinking "shit that explains A-L-O-T... while the single people are probably like....
Thinking to themselves, "hell no, I'm staying single!"
Well our Valentine's Day was not as eventful as Cupid and Psyche's, mostly because my wife and I forgot. Well I stand corrected... I forgot, not her, me. I forgot. We'll get into that in a minute. Sunday I had ended up getting sick AGAIN because of all our germdren festering around the house. By Monday it had become a sick day after a snow day. I wake up in a daze, all congested and coughing. While we're sitting at the table having a cup of coffee casually say to her, "is today Valentine's Day?" Now in my defense, Valentine's Day completely snuck up on me. So I excitedly say "Happy Valentine's Day Boogs!" and lean over to kiss her, when in reality I'm thinking SHIT! I totally didn't get her anything. I'm thinking by her reaction she forgot to. No, no she didn't! Out of the bedroom she comes with a little Valentine's day bag. Now I'm thinking she's going to turn into Psyche and catch my ass with a blade and lamp oil. My face looked like this when she came out of the bedroom:
So of course I have to go get her something because I look like an asshole, which isn't par for the course. I recruit the assistance of my daughters because lets face it, I have no idea what I'm doing. At first I'm like, I'll just order something from Amazon. I told the girls my game plan and they both looked at me like:
No such luck with that plan! So the girls take me to Ulta because apparently she wanted some brand of lipstick that's named... get this.. KRISTEN! Now I'm thinking how friggen precious is my wife. She wants the lipstick because that's MY name. When I get home and she opened her present, she says, "Oh my god I love this color so much". I said, yea it's named Kristen and she goes "oh I know, but the color looks amazing on me! I was like "oh yea, I know. Who knows you baby? That's right I DO!
Meanwhile, my ass drove to the store, CORRECTION... I was dragged into the store and handed a lipstick by my daughters. Saved again!
Feel free to share your Valentine's Day stories below in the comment section!
Now that I have had time to fully recover from my Jury Duty experience, we’re back to our regularly schedule program of me bantering about the kids and animals. Let me first start off by saying that our dogs are complete and total assholes! They hate each other and because they hate each other, all they do is grapple like they’re fighting for the friggen furweight belt of the UFC! I’ve tried to put them in timeout but that hasn’t proven effective yet. I’ve even sat them down and tried to explain that they are brother and sister and they should be loving each other. No such luck with that either. So my response to the dogs are:
I’d also like to mention that we now officially own stock in Sally’s Beauty Supply! I’m totally joking but to be honest I expect a check from them at the end of year. Alessandra decided that she wanted to go a little more drastic than the burgundy hair she already had, to a “pinky purple”. Bianca decided that she was going to do an “ombre” effect from dark to light. Now, me being me, I actually had to google the word ombre to understand what in the world of beauty they were talking about. Now after Bianca dyed her hair, we went to bed. We were woken up in the morning by a knock on the door. In comes the girls and Alessandra’s hair was a cross between fuscia and orange. My wife was trying to discuss what the solution to fixing the color would be with the girls, while I’m sitting up in bed like:
The color of hair damn near scared the sleepers out of my eyes!
Back to Sally’s we went for more color. Now this is where it gets interesting. Somehow we’re there for color for Alessandra and the girls convince me to dye my hair Shark Blue and Tammy decides that she wants to dye her hair pink and blonde. At this point I’m wondering if we’re starting a circus or forming a punk band! Anthony jumps into the mix and wants his hair dyed shark blue ONLY if it looks good after “mommy does it”. Smart kid, smart kid. Wait until the experiment is over and see the outcome before agreeing. Here’s the long and short of it, after 12 tubes of dye, Alessandra now has a Strawberry Shortcake look to it. My hair is NOT shark blue, it was dark navy and my wife decided not to become Nicki Minaj and stuck to going blonde!
Have no fear, a week later and we’re still playing Beauty School. Tammy decided the blonde was “too blonde” and wanted light brown highlights, so here we are Super Bowl Sunday, after Gaga’s performance (naturally), with Tammy getting light brown highlights put in. Bianca announces that there’s dye left over and who else wants their hair dyed. She looks at me with those daughter eyes and suddenly I’m sitting in a chair getting my hair dyed light brown. Michael wants to join in on the fun so Bianca died his buzzed head and sideburns light brown and Carlton died the hair on his knuckles light brown. I think the fumes have finally gotten to everyone in this house! Meanwhile everyone is sitting around like:
So here we are for the I don’t know how many days in, and we’re still dying hair. My wife decided that the light brown wasn’t light enough so now she’s back to sitting with bleach in her hair to lighten the light brown. Does that make sense to anyone? It certainly doesn’t make sense to me. If it’s LIGHT brown, why would you need to lighten it? Not to mention, why would they sell something LIGHT brown, that clearly doesn’t come out light brown? All I know is that Sally’s needs to make me part owner! I also know that: