Hello all you nosey people that like to read all about the shit shows that take place here in the Gaydy residence! Now when I say that, please know that I say that with all the love in my heart! Any who, I hope 2018 is treating you all well, because it's certainly treating me like a degenerate.
2018 has yet to stand up to the expectations that I had pictured in my head. Now I'm not sure if I really should have put all my expectations into 2018 being the best year ever, especially with the way I view things. I mean you guys read my blogs, you know how I view shit. Expectations for me every day is this:
In any event, with the last year ending like Mariah Carey's career and the new year entering, in came a house full of sick people! No shit, January 2, 2018, every single person in this house was sick. I ended up getting sick, which never happens, however being in an incubator of germs it was bound to happen. At first my wife told me to "will it away"! I'm sorry... do what? How the HELL are you going to will away microscopic germs running ramped inside my body like Black Friday at Walmart? Psssssh will it away...I'm still sitting here like:
Shortly after my wife telling me to "will it away", she got sick too! So I'll admit I was tempted to be like, "sooo um, how's that will power working out for you?" However, I'm not ashamed to admit that I am terrified of my wife when I say something stupid and I end up getting this look from her:
You all know when your wife is standing there giving you that up and down look, shit is about to get real! So I did the right thing and kept my mouth shut and gave her Mucinex and tea all day. As if the plaque of 2018 wasn't bad enough, we had a slight sitiation with the kitchen sink. Yes I said, "sitiation".. because that's exactly what it was! It was a Saturday morning and Tam and I woke up and I turn the faucet to hot to rinse out the coffee pot and nothing happened! At first I was like, why the hell do we not have water? Then I hear Bianca and Carlton say they had water from upstairs. So I turn the faucet to cold and we had cold water, but when I turned the faucet back to the hot water, we had no hot water. You all still following me? So this prompted me to check every sink in the house to see if there was hot water! Once I realized that the kitchen sink was the only sink that did not have hot water, this happened:
So first thing first, I made a pot of coffee, because lets face it nothing gets done without a pot of coffee being consumed. After the coffee I decided to fix the sink. This entailed me climbing under the sink and disconnecting the hot water line. I fought with connecting the line for a solid hour, only to determine that our pipe under the kitchen sink had frozen. So I tried googling how to unfreeze a kitchen sink pipe and came up with sticking my wife's hair dryer under the sink and positioning it with the bottles under the sink to directly aim it at the pipe! I ran that dryer for three hours and then all of a sudden we heard water from the faucet! Don't you believe that I walked around the house like:
However, as 2018 would have it, that dance didn't last too long when the sink decided to clog and fill up with water. So that "yea I did that, I fixed the problem" dance, quickly turned into this:
This "sitiation" literally became a 4 day event of Kris vs. the Kitchen sink. I was not going down without a fight! So every night I came home from work I fought with the sink. One night I was determined to win, that I took apart the entire sink. I realize now that this was a very bad idea on my part considering my bucket wasn't big enough and when I disconnected the pipes this happened:
No shit... it was like the gates of hell in water form opened up. I'm yelling for Tammy to get me a towel, the dogs are barking at me, the cats are trying to get under the sink all while I'm sitting in a puddle of water soaked from the waste down! My wife looks at me and goes, "well at least the water went down!" Of course it did hunny, it's now on our floor! So now I have the cats and the dogs drinking the water around me, like they don't have bowls of water all over the damn house, they have to be up in my business while I'm trying to slay the dragon! I have one cat ontop of the counter determined to kill me, by knocking the shit from under the sink off like:
I cleaned the pipes and put the sink back together and then ran out and got Drano in my wet pants, looking like I peed myself. I have no shame in my game, because:
Now, I'm sure you're all thinking that I finally fixed the sink. NOPE! This fucker was a fighter. So after a whole bottle of Drano Max the water still didn't want to go down. So at this point I'm standing at the sink like:
I took the plunger and plunged the shit out of the sink for an hour. No mercy. I showed that sink no-fucking-mercy! At this point my wife is sitting at the table and says "hunny I'm calling the plumber!" WHAT? Excuse me, you will do NO SUCH THING!!!!! Call a plumber
So on the final night of Kris v. The Kitchen Sink, I poured baking soda and vinegar down the sink. Now I will admit, I had a brief flashback to when I was a kid and had to make a volcano eruption in science class and used baking soda, food coloring and vinegar. Sorry I digress. Long story even longer it worked and the kitchen sink is now fixed. Bet your last dollar I walked around the house like:
As if 2018 couldn't have started off any worse between the plaque and the kitchen sink, we had yet ANOTHER sitiation. Let me briefly mention that I just took down our Christmas lights outside and our christmas tree and decorations inside the house are still up and I don't care!
Christmas day it was just Tam and I and the kids. However, in this family we do Christmas way into January! Last weekend we had our "family Christmas party", this is where my in-laws and the entire family come over and we do presents. My in-laws were spending the weekend with us, so we had to put the cats downstairs in the basement. Now I have to say that I did enjoy having a house with just two dogs running around, until the next morning when we had to go downstairs and bring the cats back up. You must be asking why? Well let me just tell you, I'm not one for leaving you all hanging with the suspenseful writing. We find all the cats EXCEPT for one! Now the finished part of the basement is one room, not that big, maybe the size of a living room. How does one loose a cat in a room with a door? Well naturally we do, because that's just what fucking happens here in the Gaydy house.
The girls are in a panic, which prompts a search team downstairs looking for Alessandra's cat, who at this point is probably thinking "I'm the best at hide-n-seek", because that's what cats think when their humans are in a panic trying to find them! So we search the whole room more than once. I look over and notice that the cover to the fuse box was down and immediately said "fuck"! Tammy is ready to call the fire department, Alessandra is crying, I'm pacing back and forth and Mikey comes out of his room with a hatchet like:
I know you all know what's coming next! Yes, a little impromptu home remodeling took place. I took down the paneling and Mike proceeded the hatchet the shit out of the sheet rock. Low and behold out comes Mila the missing cat! At this point I turn to Tammy and say, "you didn't like the paneling anyway, so we can scratch that off the list of things to do!"
Let's talk about the Christmas tree! Yes it's still up, no I don't have any urge to take it down because I feel that the cats destroyed it, so they should be responsible for taking it down. It is the saddest tree I've ever seen. All the branches are smashed together. Half the ornaments have become cat toys, the lights are barely hanging on the tree at this point. You know that tree is standing there thinking:
Well folks.. there ya have it! Happy fucking New Year and all that shit!
Before I take you all back to the Gaydy's Christmas festivities and adventures, I want to first wish everyone a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. I'm actually pretending to be nice because let's face it, every year it's the same shit. Seriously, tomorrow we'll all be going to wake up for work and be like this:
So let's rewind and catch you guys up on how Christmas went down at the Gaydy Castle. First we'll start with just before Christmas Day. We live in the town that brings out all of the first trucks and ambulances just before Christmas. They go around the neighborhoods blasting sirens and flashing lights with Santa on top of the front fire truck. Now this may sound exciting to some people but in reality it's annoying. At first you think, "holy shit, there's a fire!" Then you realize what day it is and you're like, "oh great 'Santa' is coming around! Which, really means I have to go stand outside in the cold, pretending to be excited for our little guy and wait for the fucker to come down my street just for him to plummet candy canes at me from the top of a fire truck. Now I do this because my wife refuses to tell our little guy that Santa isn't really real! So this is me outside in the cold:
Now this is the point where our little guy turns to me and says "Mommy, I don't know, there's something about Santa that makes my knees weak".
I'm sorry but I was literally two seconds away from turning to him and saying, "you know that this whole Santa thing is fake right?" Meanwhile the creeper was standing right next to me, ensuring that I didn't ruin the whole "Santa experience" for him. I looked over and my wife was looking at me like:
At this point the sirens start getting closer, so I decided to start jumping up and down yelling "Santa's coming, Santa's coming!" The fire trucks turn down our road and Santa looked drunk and passed out on top of the fire truck. Dude wasn't ringing his friggen bell, not waving, he didn't even throw candy canes. I'm standing outside in the fucking cold just to see a real live Bad Santa come down my street! Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the last ambulance following plummeted crushed candy canes at me! Thanks....Assholes! Seriously after that poor excuse of Santa coming to town, I was so tempted to hit a mall and just do this:
I believe I put a video of Santa coming to town in our Bonus Features section, so go check it out!
Christmas Day began with me walking up and down stairs bringing 9329394901328409 presents from the basement and then strategically placing them in kid order around the tree. Speaking of Christmas trees, our tree is now the most pathetic looking Christmas tree around. This is the sole doing of the asshole cats that live in our home. However, it's still standing so the cats have not completely won this fight. Meanwhile at night all the fuckers are doing this:
Enough about them, they get enough attention. Let's get back to the Gaydy Christmas. Tammy prepared our traditional Christmas morning breakfast, consisting of eggs, sausage, cinnamon rolls and orange rolls. We all had breakfast and then opened stockings, which literally just turned into all the kids dumping them out on their laps. Now we keep a Christmas morning tradition that my wife grew up having, which is each person gets a present and each person opens each one, one at a time. While this can take the entire day, it's a tradition we will always keep. Yea shut up, so what if I just got a little sentimental and had no sarcastic comment.
So after presents we ate dinner and then the games began! Now first we start with a few rounds of Heads Up. From there we move on to a came called Guess This. This is where it gets intense. Guess This is like hot potato on your phone. You have to give clues while on a timer. As soon as someone guesses the answer you pass the phone to the next person. You guys are quick studies, so I'm going to assume you understand how the game is played. Well our teenage daughter legit turned into Monica from friends during this game. It got scary, like really scary. I literally feared for my life when she had the phone giving clues. She kept looking at me like this:
So one round, Tammy had gotten out, so Alessandra had to pass the phone to me. She was describing a song. She looked at me and says, "oh oh oh, mommy, Hozier, its a song, come on you're suppose to know this you're gayyyyyyyyyyy!" Turns out it was Take Me To Church, I didn't guess it so she got out! Meanwhile I'm sitting there thinking, I don't even go to church! NEXT ROUND! So in this round it was down to me, Alessandra, Bianca and Mike. Alessandra is describing a fruit to me. So of course the timer is low and she turns to me and screams, "it's like an orange but it's not!" So I said apple! She looked at me and screamed, "YOU IDIOT, it was a grapefruit!!! How did you not get that?!" Ok in my defense I was still on the whole being gay and Take Me to Church round and trying to find the significance. However I did shoot Monica a look like:
Which then prompted an apology quickly followed by "GRAPEFRUIT MOMMY, GRAPEFRUIT!"
Every time someone other than Alessandra got out she was like, "aww so sorry hun, give me the phone!" It finally came down to her and Mike, which is on our Instagram page. When she won all we saw was this:
After the intense came of Guess This, we all decided that Karaoke was in order to cool things down a little bit. This went on till the early morning!
Bianca's boyfriend's brother had gotten her a Google Home for Christmas, so the next day she and Alessandra were setting it up. This was actually really fun to watch. All you heard from upstairs was, "Hey google, why is my cat fat?" Google would respond, "I am not sure I can answer that". Bianca then going, "shut up google you're an idiot!" To "hey Google play Spotify". To hearing Bianca go, "oh my god this thing is so cool!
Oh don't worry, the fun didn't stop there. Alessandra had a gift card to Urban Outfitters, in which she ordered boots Christmas night. So she comes down and said, "mom I think my boots should have come, the app says delivered". So I look at her and said, "did you put the right address?" She looks at me and goes, "oh noooo I put 41 instead of 42, mommy go get my boots pleaseeeee?"
I'm sorry? Listen I know where I live. When I order shit, it's on my porch. Now you expect me to go walk to another house, take a package off their porch when I try to avoid neighborly contact? So Tammy looks at me and goes, "oh it's Lenny's house!" Who the fuck is Lenny? If you know Lenny then you go! Of course not, I had to go to "Lenny's" house. So here I am outside Lenny's house, ringing the doorbell, because I didn't want him to think I was just taking packages off his porch. So it looked something like this:
Of course Lenny didn't come to the door, so I took the package and walked back home, feeling guilty, like I just committed mail fraud:
So there ya have it! The first blog of 2018. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's cold outside and I need some hot tea!