Happy belated "a half naked baby that looks like an adult in depends flies around and shoots you in the ass with an arrow" Day!
First, I hope that all the loving couples out there celebrated their undying love and devotion to each other. Secondly, to all the single people, have no fear you'll get shot in the ass soon enough. Can we just take a moment and reflect on how demented and violent Cupid really is? Think about it. Just take a moment and think about the story line. It's pretty fucking twisted if you ask me.
According to Wikipedia (screw SIRI, Wiki knows everything), Cupid is the son of the love Goddess Venus and the War God of Mars...okayyyyy......
Now I'm not exactly sure as to what Ms. Venus and Mr. Mars did that they ended up becoming planets, but I'm prettttttty sure it has to do something with their kid Cupid going around shooting everyone in the hearts and shit. Got a little a head of myself there, let me back up. So any way Venus meets Mars but get this, Mars has a counterpart named Eros. So I'm not sure which one is Cupid's baby daddy, Mars or Eros but nonetheless Cupid is born.
So Cupid grows up meets this chick named Psyche (immediate sign of TROUBLE! I mean come on Cupid, you meet a chick named Psyche and YOU think shit is going to go smooth?) So Cupid and Psycho.. or Pysche fall in love and Cupid agrees to marry Pysche but under the condition that she can never see his face?? Sounds a little Fifty Shades of Kinky if ya ask me?! Anyway, they have a kid that they named Pleasure. Way to go Cupid and Pysche you just gave your kid a stripper name! I digress... so as if this whole scenario isn't odd enough, get this....Cupid is blind! Which confuses me even more as why he would only marry his girl under the circumstances that she could never see his face. I mean it ain't like he was gonna know if she was looking or not! I mean right?!
Now this is where shit gets interesting. So apparently Psyche had some jealous sisters throwing shade at Cupid. Hey, we all have that ONE in the family, let's keep it moving! Psyche's sisters tell her that her husband is actually a "vile winged-serpent" that will eat her and her kid. I mean, that's some serious shade throwing. If I was Pysche I'd be like:
Apparently Psyche falls for the gossip and decides to go along with Shade and Shadier. Cupid is passed out on the couch and Psyche tries to come at him with a dagger and a lamp. Psyche finally catches a glimpse of Cupid after she cuts herself on the arrow and thinks he's gorge (we all know it was because of the arrow that she felt that way), he panics, rushes out of the house but not without burning himself on some oil from the lamp. Now I'm not sure what happens with the sisters but Pysche ends up back at her mother-in-law's house. At this point in the story, the mother-in-law is all up in arms about the baby. I'm talking bitch goes batshit crazy and rips her clothes off and bashes her head into a rock and then mocks the baby. Then she goes to a wedding and
comes back drunk, wait... that sounds like my mother?! Bitch must have been like:
Now, somewhere in between an assembly of insects that do chores and fetching gold from violent sheep, Cupid and Pysche are finally reunited and married.
Now I'm not sure how I feel about Valentine's Day after breaking that down for you all. I mean the married couples are probably thinking "shit that explains A-L-O-T... while the single people are probably like....
Thinking to themselves, "hell no, I'm staying single!"
Well our Valentine's Day was not as eventful as Cupid and Psyche's, mostly because my wife and I forgot. Well I stand corrected... I forgot, not her, me. I forgot. We'll get into that in a minute. Sunday I had ended up getting sick AGAIN because of all our germdren festering around the house. By Monday it had become a sick day after a snow day. I wake up in a daze, all congested and coughing. While we're sitting at the table having a cup of coffee casually say to her, "is today Valentine's Day?" Now in my defense, Valentine's Day completely snuck up on me. So I excitedly say "Happy Valentine's Day Boogs!" and lean over to kiss her, when in reality I'm thinking SHIT! I totally didn't get her anything. I'm thinking by her reaction she forgot to. No, no she didn't! Out of the bedroom she comes with a little Valentine's day bag. Now I'm thinking she's going to turn into Psyche and catch my ass with a blade and lamp oil. My face looked like this when she came out of the bedroom:
So of course I have to go get her something because I look like an asshole, which isn't par for the course. I recruit the assistance of my daughters because lets face it, I have no idea what I'm doing. At first I'm like, I'll just order something from Amazon. I told the girls my game plan and they both looked at me like:
No such luck with that plan! So the girls take me to Ulta because apparently she wanted some brand of lipstick that's named... get this.. KRISTEN! Now I'm thinking how friggen precious is my wife. She wants the lipstick because that's MY name. When I get home and she opened her present, she says, "Oh my god I love this color so much". I said, yea it's named Kristen and she goes "oh I know, but the color looks amazing on me! I was like "oh yea, I know. Who knows you baby? That's right I DO!
Meanwhile, my ass drove to the store, CORRECTION... I was dragged into the store and handed a lipstick by my daughters. Saved again!
Feel free to share your Valentine's Day stories below in the comment section!