Before I take you all back to the Gaydy's Christmas festivities and adventures, I want to first wish everyone a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. I'm actually pretending to be nice because let's face it, every year it's the same shit. Seriously, tomorrow we'll all be going to wake up for work and be like this:
So let's rewind and catch you guys up on how Christmas went down at the Gaydy Castle. First we'll start with just before Christmas Day. We live in the town that brings out all of the first trucks and ambulances just before Christmas. They go around the neighborhoods blasting sirens and flashing lights with Santa on top of the front fire truck. Now this may sound exciting to some people but in reality it's annoying. At first you think, "holy shit, there's a fire!" Then you realize what day it is and you're like, "oh great 'Santa' is coming around! Which, really means I have to go stand outside in the cold, pretending to be excited for our little guy and wait for the fucker to come down my street just for him to plummet candy canes at me from the top of a fire truck. Now I do this because my wife refuses to tell our little guy that Santa isn't really real! So this is me outside in the cold:
Now this is the point where our little guy turns to me and says "Mommy, I don't know, there's something about Santa that makes my knees weak".
I'm sorry but I was literally two seconds away from turning to him and saying, "you know that this whole Santa thing is fake right?" Meanwhile the creeper was standing right next to me, ensuring that I didn't ruin the whole "Santa experience" for him. I looked over and my wife was looking at me like:
At this point the sirens start getting closer, so I decided to start jumping up and down yelling "Santa's coming, Santa's coming!" The fire trucks turn down our road and Santa looked drunk and passed out on top of the fire truck. Dude wasn't ringing his friggen bell, not waving, he didn't even throw candy canes. I'm standing outside in the fucking cold just to see a real live Bad Santa come down my street! Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the last ambulance following plummeted crushed candy canes at me! Thanks....Assholes! Seriously after that poor excuse of Santa coming to town, I was so tempted to hit a mall and just do this:
I believe I put a video of Santa coming to town in our Bonus Features section, so go check it out!
Christmas Day began with me walking up and down stairs bringing 9329394901328409 presents from the basement and then strategically placing them in kid order around the tree. Speaking of Christmas trees, our tree is now the most pathetic looking Christmas tree around. This is the sole doing of the asshole cats that live in our home. However, it's still standing so the cats have not completely won this fight. Meanwhile at night all the fuckers are doing this:
Enough about them, they get enough attention. Let's get back to the Gaydy Christmas. Tammy prepared our traditional Christmas morning breakfast, consisting of eggs, sausage, cinnamon rolls and orange rolls. We all had breakfast and then opened stockings, which literally just turned into all the kids dumping them out on their laps. Now we keep a Christmas morning tradition that my wife grew up having, which is each person gets a present and each person opens each one, one at a time. While this can take the entire day, it's a tradition we will always keep. Yea shut up, so what if I just got a little sentimental and had no sarcastic comment.
So after presents we ate dinner and then the games began! Now first we start with a few rounds of Heads Up. From there we move on to a came called Guess This. This is where it gets intense. Guess This is like hot potato on your phone. You have to give clues while on a timer. As soon as someone guesses the answer you pass the phone to the next person. You guys are quick studies, so I'm going to assume you understand how the game is played. Well our teenage daughter legit turned into Monica from friends during this game. It got scary, like really scary. I literally feared for my life when she had the phone giving clues. She kept looking at me like this:
So one round, Tammy had gotten out, so Alessandra had to pass the phone to me. She was describing a song. She looked at me and says, "oh oh oh, mommy, Hozier, its a song, come on you're suppose to know this you're gayyyyyyyyyyy!" Turns out it was Take Me To Church, I didn't guess it so she got out! Meanwhile I'm sitting there thinking, I don't even go to church! NEXT ROUND! So in this round it was down to me, Alessandra, Bianca and Mike. Alessandra is describing a fruit to me. So of course the timer is low and she turns to me and screams, "it's like an orange but it's not!" So I said apple! She looked at me and screamed, "YOU IDIOT, it was a grapefruit!!! How did you not get that?!" Ok in my defense I was still on the whole being gay and Take Me to Church round and trying to find the significance. However I did shoot Monica a look like:
Which then prompted an apology quickly followed by "GRAPEFRUIT MOMMY, GRAPEFRUIT!"
Every time someone other than Alessandra got out she was like, "aww so sorry hun, give me the phone!" It finally came down to her and Mike, which is on our Instagram page. When she won all we saw was this:
After the intense came of Guess This, we all decided that Karaoke was in order to cool things down a little bit. This went on till the early morning!
Bianca's boyfriend's brother had gotten her a Google Home for Christmas, so the next day she and Alessandra were setting it up. This was actually really fun to watch. All you heard from upstairs was, "Hey google, why is my cat fat?" Google would respond, "I am not sure I can answer that". Bianca then going, "shut up google you're an idiot!" To "hey Google play Spotify". To hearing Bianca go, "oh my god this thing is so cool!
Oh don't worry, the fun didn't stop there. Alessandra had a gift card to Urban Outfitters, in which she ordered boots Christmas night. So she comes down and said, "mom I think my boots should have come, the app says delivered". So I look at her and said, "did you put the right address?" She looks at me and goes, "oh noooo I put 41 instead of 42, mommy go get my boots pleaseeeee?"
I'm sorry? Listen I know where I live. When I order shit, it's on my porch. Now you expect me to go walk to another house, take a package off their porch when I try to avoid neighborly contact? So Tammy looks at me and goes, "oh it's Lenny's house!" Who the fuck is Lenny? If you know Lenny then you go! Of course not, I had to go to "Lenny's" house. So here I am outside Lenny's house, ringing the doorbell, because I didn't want him to think I was just taking packages off his porch. So it looked something like this:
Of course Lenny didn't come to the door, so I took the package and walked back home, feeling guilty, like I just committed mail fraud:
So there ya have it! The first blog of 2018. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's cold outside and I need some hot tea!