 Happy Hump Day peeps! It’s Wednesday and I’m still trying to recover from Halloween. However, you can all rest easy in knowing that my lips are now back to their normal shape and the burning has subsided. I had previously mentioned that we had 5 kids and that our youngest was 9. Now, I’m not sure if it’s a 9 year old thing or if it’s just our 9 year old but how do you get them to shut up? Now, I know you think that’s mean but come on… how can a 9 year old possibly have THAT much to talk about?! There’s only so much Pokemon one person can take. Last night at dinner he started telling us this whole story about recess and how him and his friends were playing football. Now I would go on to tell you the rest of his story, but I zoned out, saw black and was snapped back into reality by the drool leaking from my open mouth. Meanwhile my wife with all the patience in the world is like “Ants, honey, hold that thought for a minute so we can say Grace!” A minute? Really? How about we wrap this up, say Grace, have silence and eat AMEN! He just turned 9 on the 17th of October. We and by “we” I mean my wife decided that we should get him a basketball net for his birthday. Oh yay, one more thing I have to put together. Now I totally understand her reasoning behind the basketball net. Get the kid outside, fresh air, tire his little ass out and he knocks out at night, right? No! Apparently that was my reasoning behind it, her reasoning was so that he would spend less time on his iPod and iPad and play outside. She’s clearly the better parent in this relationship. In any event we give him his basketball net the morning of his birthday, 7:30 a.m. to be exact. He was so excited that he instructed me to put it together right away. I told him that he had school and I had work and I would see what time I got home. Did anything in that sentence, give away anything that I would put it together immediately? Didn’t think so. That’s another thing with 9 year olds… THEY DO NOT FORGET A DAMN THING!!!! Every 10 minutes for the next three days this kid asked me when I was putting the hoop up, even on a rainy day! So I did what any good parent would do and recruited the help of my oldest son and my oldest daughter’s boyfriend to put that shit together. Delegate baby.. delegate! Now you would think that when the hoop went up, we wouldn’t see the kid, given how excited he was when he opened his present? Yea, no. He went outside for literally 5 minutes, came in and went on his iPod. DUDE! You broke my balls (I don’t even have any) for 3 straight days and you play with it for 5 minutes.. you better get your ass outside play until it’s dark, turn on the porch light bring a blanket and pillow and sleep underneath that thing! Needless to say the basketball hoop has been untouched since that day. It does however accent the front of our house very nicely. Lets move on to something else shall we? I believe it was the day after Halloween I had tweeted a picture of our dog Gia dressed up as a bat. If you recall I previously mentioned our dogs and how my wife treats them like children. Gia is a 2 year old Yochon and Teddy is a 10 month old Jack Russell Bichon Yorkie Mix. Like most animal lovers I can understand that dogs are apart of your family, but there’s boundaries people. My wife has a difference of opinion on the boundaries. These two dogs have absolutely NO MANNERS! They’re rude. They beg for table food, they don’t respect personal space, they lick everything, they think the bed is solely theirs and they only share it with my wife. RUDE! I go to bed at night and one dog lies in between my wife and I and the other has to lay on my pillow, which turns into him sleeping directly on-top of my head! I end up without blankets because my wife tucks them in at night. No worries babe, I’m good, I’ll just throw on sweatpants, a scarf, a hoodie and some socks, just make sure the DOGS ARE COVERED! There’s even times when I hear my wife say “hi baby… I love you” and I think she’s talking to me until I look over and see she’s holding one of the dogs. If there’s leftovers from dinner I have to call dibs on that shit for lunch the next day or she’ll feed it to the dogs. Steak, chicken, pasta… what are you doin? That’s what kibbles and fuckin’ bits are for…. DOGS! Whatever they want, my wife gets them. Lets first discuss their wardrobes. Gia has a bin.. an ENTIRE bin full of clothes. According to my wife, Gia gets very happy about clothes and likes to get dressed up? Okay… this is what I was talking about when I mentioned boundaries. Dogs get excited when you call them little assholes in a very sweet tone, dogs get excited when they sniff each others’ asses. Gia and Teddy go once a month to get groomed and they get the whole shebang man. Bows, body spray, bandannas, the whole 9. I want to get a haircut every two weeks and my wife tells me that I’m excessive with my hair? Oh I’m sorry, didn’t realize that all of the above wasn’t excessive!!! Meanwhile, I still have the same clothes from three years ago. If I run out of good cologne, I have to wait until my birthday or Christmas or run my ass over to $5 and below and get a knock off brand! Am I missing something here? Someone, anyone, dog whisperer, for the love of baby Jesus please tell me what it is I’m missing!! Let’s take a look at the proof, shall we: The above is just some of Gia’s attire. A fucking tutu? Really? Now let’s take a look at Teddy:   Does he look like he really gives a shit that he’s wearing an Anchor t-shirt? Does he look like he’d get cold with all his friggen fur? The answer is NO! Here’s one more picture to prove my point on boundaries with dogs: Yes people, do not rub your eyes, do not blink or readjust your vision, you are actually seeing Adidas jumpsuits, (also known as, Adidog) for the fucking dogs! So not only are our dogs spoiled, they’re apparently in the running for the new reality show called Mob Dogs! |
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