40 DaY Fast My Ass
Well this week was full of funtastic adventures and complete and total insanity. Then again, when is it not?! I'm not going to wean anyone into the past week of the Gaydy's for the sole purpose of selfishness. Yes, I'm being completely selfish right now. Why you ask? Because this entire week I was surprised and caught off guard every time my eyes opened from the peaceful dream world of me swinging on a hammock on a secluded sandy beach surrounded by bottle of Jack Daniels and crystal blue water.
So here we go. Let's start with Monday morning, shall we. Half asleep I arise from peaceful dream and stumble into the bathroom with half opened eyes only to find this sitting on our bathroom counter:
I damn near had a heart attack when I turned on the light and saw a friggen head sitting on my counter. I fell back into the door and yelled, "What the shit is this!" In my head, this all took place in slow motion, like a bomb going off and a person falling back like this:
It's not everyday you walk into your bathroom and see a head with hair sitting on your counter sink just hanging out, waiting for you to brush your teeth! Of course my beautiful wife comes in and said "Oh, I put it in here because the cat got into the bedroom!" So you decided that the bathroom was the most appropriate place to put your wig, not the bedroom closet? She's precious. While she likes to wear a wig from time to time, I prefer them on HER head, not the bathroom counter.
As if that wasn't a shock to the system to get ya going on a Monday morning, later on in the afternoon my email goes off and I find this:
Ummm....While I appreciate the offer, I think I'm going to pass on the offer from "Erect_on_Demand". First of all, who sends this shit? Secondly, you're going to use a cucumber... really, a friggen cucumber? Get creative with your ads for porn or viagra don't violate a poor vegetable, think of all the vegans out there you deplorables.
While we're on the topic of vegetables, let's move to Tuesday shall we. Tuesday morning over my morning coffee, my lovely wife informed me that we.... WE, as in her and I and our Daughter Bianca were going on a 40 day fast. I'm not sure how they became a WE but it happened. I asked what the fast consisted of and apparently the first day was no solid food and just water. I sat there with my coffee like:
Apparently the water flushes out the "toxins" in the body and prepares your body for the healthy eating. You know what else flushes out the toxins? COFFEE! In any event, after the first day of drinking water all day, we then move to fruits, vegetables, fish and chicken, but in small quantities. My wife gave me the whole speech on "clean eating" and the only thing I could think about was what the hell am I going to be eating for lunch! Have no fear....the wife had it all figured out!
My lovely wife decided that I would eat kale salad for lunch... every day... for 40 friggen days. So here I am eating Kale and drinking water because I just go along with everything that takes place in this house. Has anyone actually eaten kale? Seriously it's the longest chew of your life. I can literally see 5 years flash before my eyes while I'm eating my lunch because your constantly chewing, like this:
So far that was my Monday and Tuesday. Now on Wednesday my wife tells me that our little guy is having his first social studies quiz on the government. So I tell her to tell him that the government is corrupt and the only way to truly overcome political corruption is by civil disobedience. This is when my wife calls me an idiot and tells me that she will be handling the studying with him because if left up to me he will fail. Let's take a look at his study guide and we'll decide together If he would have failed if I studied with him:
Ok, let's break this down topic by topic:
I don't know about you all, but I think the little guy would have done just fine if I was allowed to study with him.
Thursday rolls around and yes I'm still eating kale like a friggen cow in preparation of being slaughtered, so some guy who had the balls to tell his wife no, can enjoy a friggen hamburger. No worries, I'm all good with my kale and small portions of fish, chicken, fruits and vegetables. Oh, let's not forget cheese. I can have cheese. If that doesn't put a friggen smile on my face then I don't know what will.
Oh, I know. As I'm driving home from work on Thursday, I called my wife. She informed that she had just got done watching the movie "A Beautiful Mind" and somehow the guy in the movie played by Russell Crowe reminded her so much of me. So of course I asked her why and she said because "you know, you have that very unique brain. The way you think, it's different. Most people don't have the things you have pop into their heads. You come out with some really random things that to others aren't normal". Wow hunny, I suppose a thank you is in order. She quickly countered with, "he was brilliant". Meanwhile I'm like:
So here I am for days into my week and we've learned the following:
Friday was no different than the other days, I was still starving and afraid to cheat for the sake of having to look my wife in the eyes. Like I had just committed a felony. My wife informed me that our daughter Bianca was upset because Big Head refers to their cat Finn as #NotMyCat. Now this upset Bianca because she thinks Finn overheard Carlton tell her that and now Finn is distraught. Personally I would have to agree with Carlton, as the cat looks stoned like Cheech from Cheech & Chong. Finn looks like this 24-7:
Date night was last night and I was excited because I thought that I was going to be able to stray from the 40 day fast. Here we are at the restaurant and I was about to order a nice draft beer and the wife told me that beer wasn't allowed on the diet. Ah yes, how could I forget the diet that I NEVER AGREED TO BE ON. So I settle for a unsweetened ice tea, which is basically like drinking brown water. I start looking at the appetizers and said, "lets get the nachos." She looked at me and said, "no, we're ordering the lettuce wraps". Oh that sounds delicious, more friggen salad! So here I am eating dinner like:
For the love of the food Gods, there needs to be a "free day"! This is torture. Clean eating my ass, it's a form of torture. It's down right just wrong to deprive a person of a frozen burrito. I hear my wife say every morning, "I feel great! I have so much energy and my stomach feels less bloated after I eat!" Well woopty-friggen-do for you there precious! I'M STARVING and my stomach is screaming at me to eat something that doesn't have the words "clean eating" attached to it. My stomach is pissed off at me right now!
This brings me to the last day of this fantastic week, Sunday. The wife decided that for breakfast we would have eggs. So I said "well, sausage egg and cheese on a biscuit sounds delicious". Wishful thinking because it was just eggs. Naturally the dogs were going crazy while we were eating them because she makes them eggs in the morning too. So now the dogs are on a clean eating fast too. The dogs wouldn't go near their food, so my wife said, "maybe we should pretend to eat their food so they think it's our food and then they'll eat it?" Um...
So here I am like an asshole holding a dog's bowl pretending to eat their food and going, "mmmm look Gia, mommy's eating your food!" After I put the bowl down, I realized one thing.. I've completely lost my mind.