I've come to the conclusion that Jesus has jokes. I mean absolutely no disrespect when I say that, I'm simply stating a fact. Seriously the amount of shit that goes on in our family I can only imagine J-Easy is up there like:
It may come as no surprise to all of you that we have had yet another eventful past two weeks, maybe three. I really don't know what day it is at the moment. In any event, let's rewind back to Mother's Day weekend. So brief recap is that our Daughters surprised us with a little staycation at a nice hotel that had a salt water pool. During that time, we get a call from Mike who proceeds to tell us that he has some red dots around his belly button. This call followed by a text message of his belly button. Tammy and I look at the picture and think that it may very well be the start of chicken pox. Tammy calls him and tells him to go to the doctor and get it checked. Does he do what we tell him to do?
After our little staycation we had discovered that Mike's little red dots around his belly button had spread to his sides and chest. At this point Bianca is yelling at him to go to the doctor's because her engagement party is coming up and she doesn't want the chicken pox. Alessandra is walking around saying, "I can't tell if it's a pox or a pimple!" Mike keeps saying he doesn't have time to go to the doctors, so I say, "fine don't go and keep walking around spreading your pox infected ass to everyone you come in contact with!" Long story short we finally convince him to go to the doctor and get it checked out. At that point I start thinking:
Mike calls us after the doctor's appointment to tell us that the doctor said it was chicken pox and gave him .... ready for this shit? The doctor gave him an "anti-viral" that would not make him "contagious" anymore!
Now it may have been several centuries since Tammy and I had the chicken pox but I'm pretty sure there is no such fucking thing as an anti-viral chicken pox medication that does not make your pox infestation NOT contagious! I also wasn't aware of the fact that a doctorates in medicine came out of a fucking cracker jack box! Somehow I picture the doctor looking like this
We'll come back to Pocky boy in a little bit, I want to move on to the other interesting events that have transpired since we last spoke. As I mentioned in the last blog we have a cat that wants to do dirty things to one of our female cats because he's a "teenager" according to the vet. So spraying and trying to kill her is his way of impressing her. Still not buying it but okay! So Carlton and Bianca bought some cat treats thinking this would encourage him to stop being a teenage douchebag with giving him attention and treats..... ME:
Carlton starts to go and pet Finn (Bianca and Carlton's cat) and Finn turns around and bites him. Carlton felt that giving Finn a treat would "calm him down because he was upset". Bianca tells him that he can't reward Finn for his bad behavior, while Carlton is feeding Finn treats. Meanwhile Jax was taking treats and then stalking Mila. So much for the treats!
Moving on.... I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not but our little guy had an inflamed heel from football a little while back. He's fine now. I bring this up because about a week and a half ago, Alessandra told Bianca that her foot was swollen one morning when she woke up. Now I'm not exactly sure how you manage to wake up with a foot twice the size it should be and NOT remember how or what you did to it but it's Alessandra so anything is possible!
Back to the doctors we go, same problem, same body part, different kid! The doctor tells us that she wants me to take her for an x-ray and that she needs to stay off of her foot until further notice, so prescribes Alessandra crutches. Alessandra looks at me and says "I've always wanted crutches"! At this point my only reaction could be this:
We leave the doctors office and Bianca and I taker her over to this Specialized Children's Medi-Merge that does x-rays and shit. We walk in and it looks like the inside of Medieval Times! The whole inside is decorated as a Medieval castle with the old medieval doors, disney movies are playing and there was a armored solider in the corner. Alessandra and Bianca are taking pictures inside the place, while I'm thinking to myself
Long story short, she has a severe sprain of a tendon, ligament or muscle. Apparently the doctor couldn't make up his mind! Needless to say they put her in a boot and put her out of gym until the pain goes away. Bianca said that she was glad the boot was black because at least it would go with whatever Alessandra wore to school. Fashion first!
So to recap.. we have one kid with pox, one kid with a mysterious sprained foot, one kid with a heeled foot, another kid counting down the days to the incubation period of the pox, Tam's back is still broken and a cat that's still trying to kill his crush. Got it? Good! Moving on.
In the midst of all the chaos we're putting together favors for Bianca's engagement party and making lanterns for the tables.
At this point it's now Memorial Day weekend and Tammy suggests that we barbecue on Memorial Day.. you all know the day that we had the tropical storm? I looked at her and said "no problem hun, I can barbecue in a tropical storm, I'm sure it's been done before!" Of course I would have to go to the store first and then this would happen:
I mean who cares if I the burgers and dogs float their way into the house. So what if tree branches are flying in my direction while I'm grilling. Hey as long as the wife and kids get their barbecue the sacrifices I WILL MAKE!
Oh, back to the pox boy... so early this week he comes up from his room and tells us that he thinks the doctor was wrong and that the dots aren't going away and it's been at least 4 weeks. So we tell him to go to the family doctor instead of a medi-merge and find out what the hell it is. Long story short the fucking kid never had the pox he has rosacea!
On a brighter note, after several months of waiting, we finally have a date for Tammy's back surgery. Now this should be a relief given I'm not cut out for this stay-at-home mom thing, but quite frankly I am not looking forward to sleeping in an uncomfortable recliner that doesn't recline for three days! Then again this isn't our first rodeo!
Welp, there ya have it! Until the next adventure I'll be over here like...
It's that time again! We have a lot to talk about so no sense in the pleasantries because quite frankly I'm all out of them! Let's begin shall we? Let's start off with a quick update on Mama Tammy. We're still waiting for a surgery date which means I'm still "in charge" of holding down the Gaydy Household. Now I will admit the first few weeks I had this shit down to a science. Here we are several months later and all hell has broken loose. At the end of every day I find myself like this:
Let's start with the lunch making for Anthony in preparation for school days shall we? Anthony likes to take two hard boiled eggs and two slices of bread for lunch during the week. I'm pretty sure you're all thinking "ok what's wrong with that?" Nothing! Absolutely nothing is wrong with that, except I've managed to completely burn 6 eggs before I finally nailed it! I admit I googled how long eggs should boil before being done.
Seriously, how the fuck do you screw up hard boiled eggs? In my defense, it's simple.. very simple. You forget that you actually put eggs in a pot to boil until you get a strong odor of burnt eggs and then yell "FUCK, ANTHONY'S EGGS!" This has been an ongoing statement made by me for a few weeks now! I haven't just burned eggs either. I've actually completely forgot to make them the night before which means I'm standing in the kitchen thinking this might be a better solution for me:
Let's move on to the next Kris Catastrophe. One day last week or the week before I was sitting in my home office also known as the corner couch, working. My cell phone rings and I see it's Alessandra calling. So I answer the phone and I immediately ask if everything is okay because why would she be calling me during school right? Only it wasn't during school! Alessandra said to me, "hi where are you?" I looked at my phone and saw that it was 2:30. The poor kid gets out of school at 2:15. I immediately repeat "Shit, shit, shit, fucking shit, I'm on my way!" Yep, it happened! I forgot to pick up one of our kids! It was bound to happen. I kept saying that I should not be left in charge of kids! The whole time I'm driving, I'm saying to myself:
I mean seriously the fact that my wife entrusts the kids with me is crazy! I've been in the same joggers and shirt for 4 days and literally forget to eat during the day! Keep in mind before my wife's accident, this house ran so smooth, I'd call her on the way home from work and the convo would basically go like this:
Now that I'm in charge, shit is more like this:
Being a stay-at-home mom is NOT easy! I give my wife all the credit in the world. Half the time I'm walking in circles trying to remember all the shit I have to do and forgetting why the fuck I walked into rooms! I downloaded a reminder app to help and guess what, I forgot to check the fucking reminder app! Isn't that the point of reminder apps is to fucking remind you? I need an app that literally blows my phone up every 5 seconds until I do the shit on the list. Don't give me an app where I can just check off done even in not doing it. Give me an app that legit says "bitch don't you fucking swipe done because you don't want to see any notifications on your phone, do YOUR SHIT NOW!"
Remember in one of the blogs I was telling you about my trip to Dunkin Donuts and how the girl was generous enough to give me my iced coffee but no straw? So as usual we made a stop at Dunkin Donuts, now I always say "no receipt please". No point in killing trees when I have my banking app on my phone. The people at Dunkin Donuts are infamous for acknowledging what you say and doing whatever the fuck they want to do anyway! So I order the coffees, pull up and say "no receipt please and no napkins". You know what I get? I get a receipt and a stack of fucking napkins! I will say this time the person gave me 5 straws for 2 drinks! I simply turned to my wife and said "you know this shit is going in the blog right?!" So now I've come up with a plan. When we go to Dunkin Donuts and I order and I say no receipt or napkins please and D&D rebel employees hand me a receipt and napkins, I give it all back to them!
How you like me now Dunkin Donuts? Starbucks would never pull that shit, they don't give out napkins like that! Take notes D&D, take notes! I will say that this attempt at me getting back at D&D had backfired! After I refused the napkins I went to pick up my drink and they didn't put the lid on tight and the coffee went everywhere! Guess what I didn't have? FUCKING NAPKINS! You know those D&D employees were like:
On a sidenote I think I may have a new career in the works. I've become extremely stellar at sweeping the floors and picking up after the animals that I really think I'd kill it as a janitor or the person that picks up shit in a zoo! Less stress too I think! After my day of sweeping and cleaning up animal shit I can sit down and just be like:
This week Bianca had to take her cat Jax to the vet. We were becoming concerned with his behavior. He's neutered but sprays and tries to attack one particular female cat in the house. So I thought maybe he was neutered wrong because none of the other male cats spray or try to kill the female cats. So they go to the vet and the vet says.... ready for this.... "he's trying to impress her".
Yea exactly my reaction! Apparently the vet said that he's exerting his male dominance by spraying and him attacking her is his way of impressing her. I'm sorry but trying to KILL the girl you're crushing on is in no way a good way to "impress" her! I mean what's Jax's thinking? I mean is he walking around going "hey you beautiful girl watch me as I piss on the door, are you impressed by my masculinity?" What about when he tries to attack her! That just screams abusive relationship if you ask me! Seriously bro, try flowers, a mixed tape or something! The vet's idea on how to stop this behavior is by distracting him...
Rightttttttt! Like I have time to distract a cat from trying to "impress" a cat! I'm distracted enough with my life, ain't nobody got time for a serial rapist cat!
As if the cat situation wasn't bad enough, my wife suggested that the I should cut the dogs hair because they needed a haircut. So Now I'm a fucking dog groomer too! So in any event I started buzzing Teddy and now he looks like this:
Happy Monday.. woo fucking hoo!
I suppose I'll just jump right in and get started! First let me start by saying that if Mother Nature doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna need her address so I can send my gas bill to her for payment! It's like the bitch is straight up menopausal with hot flashes and all. One day its hot as hell like summer just arrived and then the next day it's raining and cold! Come on sis..... hellurrrrr....
One day last week I was coming back from picking up the girls from the gym and my PokemonGo app led me right to this park. Now the intention was to find a new pokemon but instead we found this really cool dog park. It's called the "Bark Park"... not the most original name but whatcha gonna do? So when we got home the girls told Tammy about the dog park and that ended up into my taking the pups to the park.
Now I'm going to be honest here and say that I've never stepped foot inside a dog park nor do I know proper dog park etiquette. I get that it's all about socializing your dogs and shit but do they really give a shit about making dog friends that they're probably never going to see again? I'll come back to that in a minute because I want to get to why I dreaded taking the dogs to the park in the first place. First, we have Teddy who literally barks at everything and anything that walks by our house. He will charge the glass door and plummet himself into it and then run into the kitchen barking. I'm not sure what the hell he thinks he's accomplishing by doing this but when it happens we can't help but look like this:
Based on the above background you can see my hesitance in bringing Teddy to a dog park....with other dogs. Then we have Gia who literally thinks the sun rises and sets on her little ass with her rose gold collar walking around like who the fuck she is. Seriously this dog has major attitude. She sleeps till noon and then gets up and expects a full day of belly rubs like:
You see the dilemma I was in with taking these two to a dog park? So we get to the park and Teddy immediately takes off like a lunatic running around and pissing on every inch of the park, meanwhile Gia is trotting around probably thinking to herself "fucking humans, I don't do grass and what is this leaves and dirt?" Now I know it may seem like we don't take the pups out much but that's not true. Teddy gets walked on a leash while I carry Gia in my arms. Take a moment and picture that.. then process it. Moving on.. So while teddy is lifting his leg on every thing in the park even though nothing is coming out, Gia sat in a corner snarling at some male dog trying to sniff her butt. Then a yorkie (which is what Gia is) came in and everyone at the park was like "Giovanni is here!" On a side note, apparently this is a thing in dog parks. Every one knows each other and their dogs. I'm lucky if i don't call the dogs the kids names and call the kids by the dogs and cats names!
Back to the grand entrance of Giovanni. So he comes swaggin into the park and Gia immediately ran up to him and started sniffing his face. I mean you can tell that Gio was the cool dog in the park. Meanwhile teddy is still lifting his leg and air pissing at this point, not too impressed with Gio. Gia on the other hand was all up in Gio's business with her boujee self! You know Gia was all like back off bitches he's mine!
Oh, yea so proper etiquette in the dog park. So it's one of those weird things where the people just stand around and go, "which ones yours?" You point out your dog, talk about how old he/she is, what type of breed and then there's an awkward silence and you both just walk away from each other.
I think it was last Sunday, Tammy and I were having coffee and Bianca came down and told us that she had been up since 4 in the morning because she heard this weird noise. She described the noise as being a humming sound combined with a helicopter hovering over the house. She said she kept looking out the window and didn't see anything so she spent hours googling what the sound was.
At this point she said that she even tried googling the date to see if anyone else heard what she heard. She was legitimately concerned that she was the only one who heard this because one google hit came back that hearing this sound meant that something was mentally wrong with you. Tammy is trying to reassure Bianca that nothing was wrong with her and that it was probably an airplane that she couldn't see. Meanwhile I'm sitting on the other end of the couch like:
I mean I hear shit all the time in my head so I was a little worried about that google hit about being insane if you're the only one hearing sounds. Speaking of insane..... the other day my wife and I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts to get ice coffee and the young lady handed me my frozen coffee with whip cream (because that's how you're supposed to drink frozen coffee) and hand me Tammy's coffee and then just stands there like this:
Ummmmmmmm...... can I have a straw please? I literally had to ask this question out loud, not in my head. Like what did she expect me to do? Stick my tongue through the whole and slurp up my coffee like a fucking animal?!
Must have been her first day on the job.. apparently her last because I haven't seen her since that day. Maybe someone cut their tongue on the inside ridge of the hole slurping their fucking ice coffee because she doesn't think one requires a straw!
Between the dog park, Bianca hearing a sound that no one else heard, and the straw saga, I had already had my fill of crazy for the week... or at least I thought I had! Tammy and I were driving Anthony from a doctor's appointment when he came out of no where with "I know why people have eyebrows!" At this point I'm thinking in my head, "now this is going to be some fucking shit right here!" I look at Tammy and Tammy looks at me and then she says, "oh yea? Let me hear your theory." Anthony starts talking and says "before people could speak the only way they could communicate was by the expressions they made with their eyebrows, so that's why God gave people eyebrows!"
Hot damn! You all should be able to determine what my facial expressions are when one of my kids comes out of left field with some crazy ass shit. If you haven't nailed it down by now, let me show you:
I looked at Tammy and said, "this is all you!", because honestly my answer was going to be, "nah bruh, where the hell did you come up with that shit?!" See why I handed it over to Tammy?! So Tammy starts explaining that before people learned how to speak they used facial expressions and some of those expressions involved the raising of the eye brows." Anthony from the back seat, looks at Tammy and said, "Yea that's what I said!" NO... NO.. Nooooooooooooo you did not say that! I was sitting right here when you told me that you "figured out" why God gave people eyebrows! At this point Tammy shoots me one of these:
After the "really?" look Tammy said, "come on Kris, cut him slack. Mr. Daisy in the back seat responds with, "yea cut me a break I'm only ten!" So incase you were all wondering why we have eyebrows, Anthony broke the code!
So on the count of three everyone raise their hands if you missed my sarcastic rants? If you're raising your hand I can't see you sillies, so you're all just going to have to comment on the post and let me know!
I'm not even going to try and lie and make up some excuse as to why I haven't blogged in a while, I'm just going to be honest and post this gif so you can see how I look at the end of every day:
Let me fill you all in on what's been going on in the Gaydy Household since the last blog. Mama Tammy is still out of commission and I'm still holding down Casa Di Gaydy while working. Quick update on Mama Tammy... we're awaiting a surgery date for her back fusion (we'll get to that) so send her lots of love and positive vibes on social media, just send me Jack Daniels please, no serious.. Jack Daniels Black Label.
On a sidenote, we finally got a new furnace, just in time for spring! At least we're one step ahead of Old Man Winter next year! Our new furnace came with a digital thermostat so we were all excited to have something modern in the house. Our house had one of those old dial thermostats that probably belongs in the Smithsonian along with our original furnace. Ah, the little things in life! Since the furnace decided to die, the hot water heater felt a type of way, so we had to have that replaced as well. I'll tell you what, this house is going to be in tip top shape when I fucking sell it!
In the last blog I mentioned how we had a sewage back up right before our furnace died. It's all cleaned up now. I mean I'm not going to lie, it was like an episode straight out of the fucking X-files. Don't believe me, have a gander at this:
Here we have some wonderful not-by-choice-home-remodeling photos!
Looks great right? I mean the lack of walls will make hide-n-seek a little easier to play, but now we can do surprise attacks on people by climbing through the beams! I know you're all dying to see the newest submission to the Smithsonian, so without further ado:
There ya have it dearies! Out with the old and in with the new:
Oh, here's a new update you should all be aware of... I am no longer a vegetarian. Yea I mean who out there had bets on how long I would last eating just vegetables? I gave in when I was confronted with the choice of a salad or a western burger. I mean come on that's not even a second thought! Once I took the first bite, this image immediately popped into my head:
I have to give props where props are due. Bianca and Tammy are standing strong on the vegetarian thing. Alessandra has decided that Chipotle is vegetarian so she's on the dark side with me. Michael preaches to Bianca and Tammy about how it is a natural necessity that as humans we consume meat. When this happens, this also happens in my mind:
While our refrigerator is stocked with vegetables and other vegetarian things, I do have a stash of chicken hidden in the freezer. I mean I'm not opposed to trying to eat healthier it's just the dark powers take over and next thing I know I'm eating something on the forbidden list looking like this:
I love our daughters and I love when out of no where they come up with these random ideas. One day last week they came down and said they wanted to join a gym so that they could be fit for Bianca's wedding..........in TWO YEARS! Now neither one of them are unfit, however they don't believe us when we tell them this. So Carlton did the research on which gym would be best for them and I took them to sign up. As soon as I walked in we were greeted by the trainer. Next thing I know I'm signed up for a session with him. Not exactly sure how that happened but bruh needs to dial back on the red bull! The Trainer is all ready to go, looking like this:
Meanwhile I'm thinking this is what I would look like if I had to workout:
Come on now.. all you gym people know that the music they play in the gyms is lit.
So the girls are all signed up and have been going 4 days a week. They are convinced they will have Kardashian bodies in no time. Meanwhile I'm thinking could I at least get half of the Kardashian's money? What? I think that's a fair trade. Ok fine, I'll settle for a quarter of their money.
By now, you all know that Tammy has been out of commission from injuries sustained in a car accident. We had a follow up with the Neurosurgeon last week where he told us that she'll have to have another fusion done, but on the back. The doctor was explaining how the procedure would take place and what the procedure would entail and the whole time he was explaining the procedure my face looked like this:
I could tell Tammy was scared so I bursted out with "Well babe, this isn't our first rodeo!" After that comment I got this look:
I was trying to lighten up the mood, which clearly didn't work. The neurosurgeon proceeded to explain that the back surgery is a little more involved than her neck surgery and how it's generally a longer recovery time. It took everything in me to not do this:
Come on now... I mean there's days I can't remember if I brushed my teeth, forgot to pick up a kid, finished my work assignments, feed the 900000 animals we have, clean up after the 900000 animals we have, what to make for dinner so that ERRRRRRRRRYBODY is happy and eats, while still in my fucking pajamas from three days ago! I still have laundry in the dryer from a week ago. Lord baby Jesus a sister needs some help! I wake up every morning like this:
In between all of this and right when I sit down to relax for 5 minutes our little guy is like "hey mommy want to throw the football around with me!" Sure buddy, ya know because Mommy hasn't done enough in one day so let's go outside and toss the ol' ball around! My response is usually, "yea go ahead and I'll be out in a few, meanwhile this is what I'm actually doing!
Happy Saturday world! Remember a few blogs back when I said 2018 started out just as shitty as 2017? Yea well it's not getting any better I wake up every morning like this:
Listen I can totally understand the purpose of those whole motivational quotes that say, "Life is a game, play it harder"; however if I play any harder I'm going to need life to throw my ass a scholarship. So we'll start with the lesser of the fuckery and then move on to the holy shit God hates you fuckery.
I can't recall what day it was because all the days just kind of blur together, but the girls come down from their rooms and proudly announce that they are not becoming vegetarians. I looked up and said, "that's good girls", only to hear my wife say, "ya know what, that's a good idea. I think we should all become vegetarian!" With that comment she turned directly to me and said "am I right hunny?", with this look:
Now in my head I'm thinking, no this is a terrible idea! I'm Sicilian and Sicilian's not eating meat is like a...a.....a.... Sin! I mean you all see that look right? Would you say no? So here I am sitting on the couch with my wife and two daughters, who are staring at me eagerly awaiting my response so I panicked and did this:
After about 10 minutes, I realized what I had just committed to and sat there for the remainder of the night like:
Yea... so I'm a vegetarian now.
Moving on! So last week was a shittastic week, no pun intended. Now, you may all be wondering why I said "no pun intended". Well be patient dearies I'm getting there! I had just finished work for the day, was relaxing on the couch with Tam, when our son Mike comes in from work. Pleasantries exchanged, blah, blah, blah, he heads downstairs to his room and my phone starts ringing. I look down I see he's calling me and I decline it. I mean why would he be calling me, we just talked. So then I hear a yell from the basement that sounded like this: "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, we have a problem!" That's never a good thing for two reasons. One, because "we" usually means, "shit ma, you have a big fucking problem" and two the word problem is in the sentence. So I go down stairs and step off the last step into ankle high water and a horrendous smell. The smell was cross between gas and eggs. Lovely, I know. So I yell up to Tammy to call our gas company. In the meantime I'm trying to mop up ankle high water with one of these fucking things:
This mop clearly sucks when you basement is flooded. I finally threw the mop and resorted to throwing down old sheets, old clothes and lots of paper towels. At this point Tammy screams, "Oh my god, we have to evacuate!" Apparently our gas company told us to get out of the house stay about 300 feet away from the house and that they were sending the fire department. When I get upstairs, Tammy looks at me and says "grab the dogs!" Grab the dogs??? So lemme get this straight. You call the gas company, explain the situation, they tell you to immediately evacuate our home. You're half way out of the house and you tell ME to grab the dogs?! So I'm guessing you're okay with me going up in a fiery pit of hell, as long as the dogs are out of the house? Good to know. So here I am trying to get the dogs and Gia decides to start doing that dog juking thing. After about 5 minutes of me arguing with the dogs, I scooped them up, put them in the car, along with the wife and kids. Now I pull out of the driveway and park acrossed the street.
Tammy looks at me says, "this isn't 300 feet Kris!" I calmly turned to her and said listen, if this god forsaken money pit goes up in flames I want to witness it!" Keep in mind I have Bianca in the back freaking out about the cats. While we were waiting for the fire department, Bianca says, "I'm scared, can you grab the cats?" Grab the cats?? We have a friggen cat sanctuary! How the hell am I going to catch, hold and escort 8 fucking cats out of a fucking house that's not even on fire? What do I look like the friggen cat whisperer?! I told her the cats would be fine and the house wouldn't blow up!
On a sidenote, our Gas company was not playing around. Within 5 minutes, 4 fire trucks rolled up. I escorted the firemen into the house and showed them where to go, only for them to come out and tell me that there was no gas leak reading. Back in the driveway and into the house we go. I go back downstairs and continue trying to de-flood our basement when a guy from PSE&G shows up and comes down and says to me, "yea thats sewer water, call a plumber!" Well thank you asshole, I figured that out but why is it in my house!!!!!!!!!???? Tammy calls our plumber and explains the situation and he tells her he knows exactly what the problem is and to not use any water until the next morning when he gets there! Now you can imagine my reaction when she tells me that I can't shower at ALL, when I've been cleaning up sewer water for about two hours! If you can't imagine it, let me just show you:
So out came the bottle of lysol wipes and purell and that is what I proceeded to bathe in. Then I slept on the couch for the night because there was no way in HELL I was sleeping in our bed after playing in sewer water! The next morning I have the plumber and ServePro here. Plumber tells me that the pump to our sewage ejector pump died. Okay, thanks for telling me that because I had no idea we even had one of those! Then ServePro assess the water damage and proceeds to tell me that they have to knock down all the walls and rip up some of the flooring. Awesome, keep it coming. Meanwhile, while they're all talking to me, I immediately go here in my mind:
Here we are with a new sewer ejector pump, no walls and flooring in our basement with 6 heat fans that made our house sound like JFK airport for 4 days. As if all of the above was not enough yesterday our furnace decided to just fucking die! Yep. The furnace that my home inspector told me would out live me, just proved his fucking dumb ass wrong and fucking died! Not only did it die, but it died while we're still in winter, which I blame the fucking groundhog for! Meanwhile that little bastard is out there somewhere doing this:
Last night I ran out to the store and bought three space heaters. One for the living room, one for the upstairs and one for the little guys room. My wife and I both agreed that we can't sleep when it's too hot in the bedroom. Well, this morning we changed our minds when we woke up like this:
Needless to say, I went out and bought three more. See, you think that this would be the end but guess what? It's not. So now everyone has a space heater. They plug them in and guess what? Yep, we blew a fuse. Not once, not twice, not three times, but four fucking times! However on the brighter side of things, I'm a vegetarian which means, I can drink all the Jack Daniels I fucking want!
I would say Happy [insert day here] but to be honest, I have no idea what day it is. I feel like February was literally like 3 days long! First on the Kris Bitch Fest List, is something very important I want to address, that I think we can all relate to. I think we need a new fucking Groundhog for Groundhog's Day. Punxsutawney Phil is overrated and washed up! I call for a new Groundhog, or new rules! If it's sunny don't bring the mother fucker out. I'm sick of winter and people placing the fate of our winter's length in the hands of a bucked-tooth beaver! Come on people work with me here!
Okay, now that I got that out of the way, lets move on. Mama Tammy is still on bed rest due to the back injury which means I'm still attempting to hold down the fort. Sometimes successfully and other times unsuccessfully. Shit happens and I've just learned to roll with the punches.
So by now you all know that our oldest daughter is officially engaged. This means that the wedding planning has officially begun. Last weekend we went to look at places to throw the engagement party. I of course had the distinct pleasure of doing this with the girls. We had three places scheduled to visit. The first place we visited was really pretty, marble everything, chandelier's everywhere. We sat down and they brought in a plate of antipasto and then the owner walked in and asked if we wanted anything to drink. It the midst of him rambling off drinks, he said scotch and I looked up like:
Oh relax, I didn't have one. So the event coordinator took us around and showed us our options for rooms and then went over the menu with us. That's when she said, "it will be a $2,000 deposit and the balance due a week before the event!" At this point the above face went from that to this:
Then to this:
Ah excuse me sir, I'll take that scotch now! $2,000 what the actual fuck.. this is an engagement party not a friggen wedding! So of course I had the whole "let them down easy but make them think you're going to book with them" speech all prepared. Needless to say off to the second place. Now this second place is a country club. You would think, nice, classy, perfect for an engagement party, right? Yea no! As Bianca described it, it reminded us all of the entrance room of the Haunted Mansion in Disney. There were pictures on the walls of dead people in like century old clothing, inside a sitting room with a fire place, which is where we were told to have a "sit by the fire". Who says that? I get this is a country club and all, but this isn't the movie Caddyshack and I would prefer to sit next to the fire not have a sit by the fire.
It took the walk from the fireplace to the first room option for me to turn around and see Alessandra and Bee doing this:
With that cue you thought I would have been like alright let's go. Nope, if I had to do this task we are taking the walk through! I'm not going to lie, it was a little creepy in there. Really quiet and random old people just sitting at tables staring out the window eating their meals. I had to ask the women what the name of the place was again, because for a minute I thought we were in a nursing home. I'm mean this looked like a place that the Golden Girls would have a reunion party! So the event planner took us down to the last room option, which was a pretty long walk to a creepy ass elevator that was ice cold. We walk in the room and in the middle of the room there are two people sitting at a table eating! At this point I'm like:
In addition to the random strangers enjoying a meal together in a banquet hall that can fit up to 300 people, there was a speaker podium and a giant flag on a flag pole! Nope uh-uh no, girls be nice grab the paperwork and I'll pull the car up! We pulled out like
Third times' a charm! We pull up to the third place and I start hearing "ooooh this is nice!" Now I'm going to totally take credit for this because well, I can! I picked this place and it was exactly what Bee was looking for so to make a long story short the hall for the engagement party is locked in. It's legit TheKnot.Com up in this house at the moment. Dress talking, venue talking, florist talking, favor talking, invitation talking, all while I'm sitting quietly sipping on coffee thinking:
Ain't nobody told me that daughters are expensive! Daughter's need to come with a warning label! Something small like, "Warning you will need 7 jobs to afford raising a daughter". Simple and to the point ya know? I've started the part-time job applications recently.
Funny thing happened since we last spoke. We have two small breed dogs, so we house trained them with those wee wee pads. Everything was going smooth. Until our male dog Teddy decided that after turning two he was a big boy and now wants to be walked on a fucking leash to take a piss. I'm not okay with this for several reasons. One because now I have to take him out. Two, he lifts his leg on anything he sees.... bushes, trees, telephone poles, car tires even if he doesn't have to do his business. I've had the conversation with him that not everything he sees needs to be claimed by him. He doesn't listen. Three, he hasn't quite mastered the leash walking and proceeds to choke himself during our walks; and four it's friggen annoying! So naturally the first walk we took, he was so excited that this is how he walked:
Then of course everyone that's walking has to stop and tell me how cute he is and what kind of breed he is. This is seriously taking too long, so my response is "thank you, he's a pain in the ass breed"!
My task of holding down the fort while Mama Tammy is awaiting the next procedure has been more challenging this time around. Mostly because Anthony is a little older and little more debatable at this age. He definitely knows this is not my cup of tea and plays on that. Why do ten year olds play that "lets see how far I can tip toe on the line before mom snaps and I lose my iPod for a week" game. My wife will beg to differ with me on this and tell me that it's an ineffective way to parent. However I believe that if he wants to wear shorts and it's 38 degrees outside and I've already told him it's cold and he CHOSES to wear them, then he'll learn his lesson.
If he doesn't then he'll continue to freeze his little ass off until he realizes that I will always be right!
So another funny story since we last spoke! Since the wife is out of commission I have also assumed the role of cooking dinner. After the last dinner I cooked, I have been banned by my wife from making chicken stew ever again! To my defense, it was NOT my fault. So here I am, browning the chicken in oil and I added some salt and fresh garlic, stirred it a little, grabbed the black pepper and went to shake it in when the friggen cap flew off and about a quarter of a cup of black pepper dumped into the pot! At this point I'm standing over the pot like:
Trying not to let the family know what just happened, I start talking about how good the chicken is looking, while I start trying to scoop the black pepper out. I even went as far as trying to rinse it off. I thought I had gotten most of it if not all of the pepper off so I added everything else and let it cook! I served up the stew and my wife wanted hot sauce. I said "nooooooooo, don't ruin my stew with that nonsense!" She didn't listen. After every one took a bite, they were all sitting there like:
Oooops! I mean hey they were nice about it. They kept telling me how good it was in between chugging bottles of water.
Alright my gayety's I'm off to cook dinner for the family... don't worry its pasta and sauce and being that I'm a Sicilian I got this down! Until next time.....
Well February is picking up right where January left off. You might all be wondering where exactly that is? Well, in a shitastic gigantic whole of shittiness, that's where! If you recall my wife was involved in a car accident about 3 years ago. two years ago she had her surgery on her cervical spine. Now, during that time I was in charge of errrrrything! The house, the kids, the kids schedule, the animals, the meals and work, all in my incompetent, irresponsible hands. By the end of her 3 week recovery I ended up looking like this:
Which brings me to two weeks ago. While my wife has been dealing with chronic pain since the accident, she's been pushing through and handling the home front. The morning of January 31st, my wife woke up with severe low back pain and unable to straighten her back out. I told her to take it easy and that it was probably the weather. Well, later that day she called to tell me that her legs had numbness. Cutting to the chase, we ended up at the hospital where her neurosurgeon admitted her. They discovered that she had three herniated discs in her back from the car accident that they had finally found despite the back complaints. Of course I'm standing in the ER like:
So we get to the room and the nurse tells me that there's a pull out couch and that she would grab me some sheets, blanket and pillow. I looked at Tammy and said, "look at that, an upgrade, three times a charm I guess!" One problem, no one actually told me how to make the couch turn into a bed. At first I flipped over the seat of the couch and I immediately rolled off the cushion because nothing was holding it up. So i just decided to sleep on the couch. Which literally was the size for one of my legs. So the first night in the hospital I slept like this:
On a side note, you can successfully survive at least two days on Coffee, apple juice cups and graham crackers. Just throwing that out there. Now, considering this isn't our first rodeo, I have pretty much nailed down the disconnecting and connecting of the machines to my wife. I have also mastered the art of getting her in and out of the bed without the bed alarm going off. I'm pretty much a hospital pro, if ya know what I mean!
Now considering I'm a pro at the whole hospital stay... I've come to realize that the minute the nurses catch on that I know how to do all this shit, they done gone missing the whole night! Listen, I may be a lot of things, but RN is NOT one of them! Not to mention that according to my wife I sleep like I'm practicing for death, so when I was on the couch I didn't hear her call for me. The following morning, she said, "honey I called you three times and you didn't hear me I had to call the nurse to help me to the bathroom!" Now I understand the severity of the situation but at the same time I was thinking:
I mean that is what an RN gets paid to do is WERK! So needless to say I ended up sleeping on a recliner that didn't recline. They kept sending Tammy for tests which left me alone in the room waiting. Naturally the only thing on tv was Lifetime movies. I've come to two conclusions about Lifetime: 1. All Lifetime movies are over dramatic 2. Lifetime movies are always about some chick going off the dead end and becoming Single White Female! Come on Lifetime, how you going to play women like that?! After my fill of Lifetime, I ventured to different floors of the hospital because I had drank all the caffeinated coffee on our floor. In my defense, they should have had more, I mean did they really think 4 boxes of pods was going to be enough for entire floor?!
Forget about going outside to vape.. oh nooooo! The hospital legit locks down at like 7:30pm and the only way you can get back in is through the Emergency Room. I know this because I did this! It literally took me longer to get back inside and up to the floor than it took me to vape. I walked in and I said to the women behind the desk, "my wife is on the 2nd floor, I just need to get back up there." She looks at me and said, "have a seat we'll be with you shortly." No, no, no. I've been here since 11:30 this morning, there's no reason for you to be with me shortly. Next thing I know security comes out and asks me to sign in. I looked at him and said "really?" I've been here for 6 hours and NOW you want me to sign in?" Then another guy comes out of the security room and gets on his walkie and no shit says "escorting civilian to second floor"? I'm sorry I didn't realize we were in the fucking white house! Stand down soldier, stand down! I'm a sociable person, so I'm trying to make small talk with him and he's literally one word answering me and being all serious and I'm thinking:
So the doctors managed to rule out everything except for what they originally found on the first day she was there. After 6 days in the hospital she was discharged. I left the hospital and went to pull the car around front to pick her up. By the time I got to the car, I was so friggen dizzy from the fresh air, I looked like this:
Since the herniated discs are compressing up against the spinal cord, she can't walk without a cane and a person with her. She's not allowed to drive as she has numbness in her legs. Now, at this point I'm not sure what part I'm more concerned about. I mean they gave my wife a cane, which can easily become a weapon or the fact that I am now in charge of errrrrrrything once again?! Oh stop we all know the herniated discs are serious but come on people a fucking cane or me taking care of the kids? I mean even Jesus is even like:
Finally home and the first thing I want to do is shower and have my friends Jack and Daniel over for a visit. Tammy in her pain killer state gives me the low down on the kids schedule and where every one needs to be and at what time and what time they get picked up and where. Just like before I'm nodding my head but all I'm hearing is
Then I start thinking, when the hell did we get more kids? I don't remember having this many kids during the first rodeo! Needless to say I heard nothing because my panic attack was too busy having it's own panic attack! So the first day comes quicker than I had anticipated and I got the first kid up and out the door, then came home, logged on to my work server, worked for an hour or so, got the wife up, gave her meds, got her from the bed to the couch, got the second kid up, gave him breakfast in a plastic cup. What?!?!?! A plastic cup is a completely acceptable item to hold cereal. It's recyclable, it reduces the amount of dishes I have to wash and, and that's how I do it so.....! I get the second kid to school with assistance from him on where to go and where the drop off is. I come home work some more, tend to the wife, the third kid is getting ready for work, I take her to work, I come back and work some more. Then picked up all the kids come home and cook dinner and do the dishes and get ready for the next day. At this point, by the end of the night I was like:
So here we are a week into me taking over and so far so good. No kids have been lost, forgotten, inappropriately dressed for the weather or gone to bed hungry. I can't promise that this will be consistent, but for the meantime Mama Kris is lock and loaded with my adulting underwear on and ready to go!
Hello all you nosey people that like to read all about the shit shows that take place here in the Gaydy residence! Now when I say that, please know that I say that with all the love in my heart! Any who, I hope 2018 is treating you all well, because it's certainly treating me like a degenerate.
2018 has yet to stand up to the expectations that I had pictured in my head. Now I'm not sure if I really should have put all my expectations into 2018 being the best year ever, especially with the way I view things. I mean you guys read my blogs, you know how I view shit. Expectations for me every day is this:
In any event, with the last year ending like Mariah Carey's career and the new year entering, in came a house full of sick people! No shit, January 2, 2018, every single person in this house was sick. I ended up getting sick, which never happens, however being in an incubator of germs it was bound to happen. At first my wife told me to "will it away"! I'm sorry... do what? How the HELL are you going to will away microscopic germs running ramped inside my body like Black Friday at Walmart? Psssssh will it away...I'm still sitting here like:
Shortly after my wife telling me to "will it away", she got sick too! So I'll admit I was tempted to be like, "sooo um, how's that will power working out for you?" However, I'm not ashamed to admit that I am terrified of my wife when I say something stupid and I end up getting this look from her:
You all know when your wife is standing there giving you that up and down look, shit is about to get real! So I did the right thing and kept my mouth shut and gave her Mucinex and tea all day. As if the plaque of 2018 wasn't bad enough, we had a slight sitiation with the kitchen sink. Yes I said, "sitiation".. because that's exactly what it was! It was a Saturday morning and Tam and I woke up and I turn the faucet to hot to rinse out the coffee pot and nothing happened! At first I was like, why the hell do we not have water? Then I hear Bianca and Carlton say they had water from upstairs. So I turn the faucet to cold and we had cold water, but when I turned the faucet back to the hot water, we had no hot water. You all still following me? So this prompted me to check every sink in the house to see if there was hot water! Once I realized that the kitchen sink was the only sink that did not have hot water, this happened:
So first thing first, I made a pot of coffee, because lets face it nothing gets done without a pot of coffee being consumed. After the coffee I decided to fix the sink. This entailed me climbing under the sink and disconnecting the hot water line. I fought with connecting the line for a solid hour, only to determine that our pipe under the kitchen sink had frozen. So I tried googling how to unfreeze a kitchen sink pipe and came up with sticking my wife's hair dryer under the sink and positioning it with the bottles under the sink to directly aim it at the pipe! I ran that dryer for three hours and then all of a sudden we heard water from the faucet! Don't you believe that I walked around the house like:
However, as 2018 would have it, that dance didn't last too long when the sink decided to clog and fill up with water. So that "yea I did that, I fixed the problem" dance, quickly turned into this:
This "sitiation" literally became a 4 day event of Kris vs. the Kitchen sink. I was not going down without a fight! So every night I came home from work I fought with the sink. One night I was determined to win, that I took apart the entire sink. I realize now that this was a very bad idea on my part considering my bucket wasn't big enough and when I disconnected the pipes this happened:
No shit... it was like the gates of hell in water form opened up. I'm yelling for Tammy to get me a towel, the dogs are barking at me, the cats are trying to get under the sink all while I'm sitting in a puddle of water soaked from the waste down! My wife looks at me and goes, "well at least the water went down!" Of course it did hunny, it's now on our floor! So now I have the cats and the dogs drinking the water around me, like they don't have bowls of water all over the damn house, they have to be up in my business while I'm trying to slay the dragon! I have one cat ontop of the counter determined to kill me, by knocking the shit from under the sink off like:
I cleaned the pipes and put the sink back together and then ran out and got Drano in my wet pants, looking like I peed myself. I have no shame in my game, because:
Now, I'm sure you're all thinking that I finally fixed the sink. NOPE! This fucker was a fighter. So after a whole bottle of Drano Max the water still didn't want to go down. So at this point I'm standing at the sink like:
I took the plunger and plunged the shit out of the sink for an hour. No mercy. I showed that sink no-fucking-mercy! At this point my wife is sitting at the table and says "hunny I'm calling the plumber!" WHAT? Excuse me, you will do NO SUCH THING!!!!! Call a plumber
So on the final night of Kris v. The Kitchen Sink, I poured baking soda and vinegar down the sink. Now I will admit, I had a brief flashback to when I was a kid and had to make a volcano eruption in science class and used baking soda, food coloring and vinegar. Sorry I digress. Long story even longer it worked and the kitchen sink is now fixed. Bet your last dollar I walked around the house like:
As if 2018 couldn't have started off any worse between the plaque and the kitchen sink, we had yet ANOTHER sitiation. Let me briefly mention that I just took down our Christmas lights outside and our christmas tree and decorations inside the house are still up and I don't care!
Christmas day it was just Tam and I and the kids. However, in this family we do Christmas way into January! Last weekend we had our "family Christmas party", this is where my in-laws and the entire family come over and we do presents. My in-laws were spending the weekend with us, so we had to put the cats downstairs in the basement. Now I have to say that I did enjoy having a house with just two dogs running around, until the next morning when we had to go downstairs and bring the cats back up. You must be asking why? Well let me just tell you, I'm not one for leaving you all hanging with the suspenseful writing. We find all the cats EXCEPT for one! Now the finished part of the basement is one room, not that big, maybe the size of a living room. How does one loose a cat in a room with a door? Well naturally we do, because that's just what fucking happens here in the Gaydy house.
The girls are in a panic, which prompts a search team downstairs looking for Alessandra's cat, who at this point is probably thinking "I'm the best at hide-n-seek", because that's what cats think when their humans are in a panic trying to find them! So we search the whole room more than once. I look over and notice that the cover to the fuse box was down and immediately said "fuck"! Tammy is ready to call the fire department, Alessandra is crying, I'm pacing back and forth and Mikey comes out of his room with a hatchet like:
I know you all know what's coming next! Yes, a little impromptu home remodeling took place. I took down the paneling and Mike proceeded the hatchet the shit out of the sheet rock. Low and behold out comes Mila the missing cat! At this point I turn to Tammy and say, "you didn't like the paneling anyway, so we can scratch that off the list of things to do!"
Let's talk about the Christmas tree! Yes it's still up, no I don't have any urge to take it down because I feel that the cats destroyed it, so they should be responsible for taking it down. It is the saddest tree I've ever seen. All the branches are smashed together. Half the ornaments have become cat toys, the lights are barely hanging on the tree at this point. You know that tree is standing there thinking:
Well folks.. there ya have it! Happy fucking New Year and all that shit!
Before I take you all back to the Gaydy's Christmas festivities and adventures, I want to first wish everyone a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. I'm actually pretending to be nice because let's face it, every year it's the same shit. Seriously, tomorrow we'll all be going to wake up for work and be like this:
So let's rewind and catch you guys up on how Christmas went down at the Gaydy Castle. First we'll start with just before Christmas Day. We live in the town that brings out all of the first trucks and ambulances just before Christmas. They go around the neighborhoods blasting sirens and flashing lights with Santa on top of the front fire truck. Now this may sound exciting to some people but in reality it's annoying. At first you think, "holy shit, there's a fire!" Then you realize what day it is and you're like, "oh great 'Santa' is coming around! Which, really means I have to go stand outside in the cold, pretending to be excited for our little guy and wait for the fucker to come down my street just for him to plummet candy canes at me from the top of a fire truck. Now I do this because my wife refuses to tell our little guy that Santa isn't really real! So this is me outside in the cold:
Now this is the point where our little guy turns to me and says "Mommy, I don't know, there's something about Santa that makes my knees weak".
I'm sorry but I was literally two seconds away from turning to him and saying, "you know that this whole Santa thing is fake right?" Meanwhile the creeper was standing right next to me, ensuring that I didn't ruin the whole "Santa experience" for him. I looked over and my wife was looking at me like:
At this point the sirens start getting closer, so I decided to start jumping up and down yelling "Santa's coming, Santa's coming!" The fire trucks turn down our road and Santa looked drunk and passed out on top of the fire truck. Dude wasn't ringing his friggen bell, not waving, he didn't even throw candy canes. I'm standing outside in the fucking cold just to see a real live Bad Santa come down my street! Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the last ambulance following plummeted crushed candy canes at me! Thanks....Assholes! Seriously after that poor excuse of Santa coming to town, I was so tempted to hit a mall and just do this:
I believe I put a video of Santa coming to town in our Bonus Features section, so go check it out!
Christmas Day began with me walking up and down stairs bringing 9329394901328409 presents from the basement and then strategically placing them in kid order around the tree. Speaking of Christmas trees, our tree is now the most pathetic looking Christmas tree around. This is the sole doing of the asshole cats that live in our home. However, it's still standing so the cats have not completely won this fight. Meanwhile at night all the fuckers are doing this:
Enough about them, they get enough attention. Let's get back to the Gaydy Christmas. Tammy prepared our traditional Christmas morning breakfast, consisting of eggs, sausage, cinnamon rolls and orange rolls. We all had breakfast and then opened stockings, which literally just turned into all the kids dumping them out on their laps. Now we keep a Christmas morning tradition that my wife grew up having, which is each person gets a present and each person opens each one, one at a time. While this can take the entire day, it's a tradition we will always keep. Yea shut up, so what if I just got a little sentimental and had no sarcastic comment.
So after presents we ate dinner and then the games began! Now first we start with a few rounds of Heads Up. From there we move on to a came called Guess This. This is where it gets intense. Guess This is like hot potato on your phone. You have to give clues while on a timer. As soon as someone guesses the answer you pass the phone to the next person. You guys are quick studies, so I'm going to assume you understand how the game is played. Well our teenage daughter legit turned into Monica from friends during this game. It got scary, like really scary. I literally feared for my life when she had the phone giving clues. She kept looking at me like this:
So one round, Tammy had gotten out, so Alessandra had to pass the phone to me. She was describing a song. She looked at me and says, "oh oh oh, mommy, Hozier, its a song, come on you're suppose to know this you're gayyyyyyyyyyy!" Turns out it was Take Me To Church, I didn't guess it so she got out! Meanwhile I'm sitting there thinking, I don't even go to church! NEXT ROUND! So in this round it was down to me, Alessandra, Bianca and Mike. Alessandra is describing a fruit to me. So of course the timer is low and she turns to me and screams, "it's like an orange but it's not!" So I said apple! She looked at me and screamed, "YOU IDIOT, it was a grapefruit!!! How did you not get that?!" Ok in my defense I was still on the whole being gay and Take Me to Church round and trying to find the significance. However I did shoot Monica a look like:
Which then prompted an apology quickly followed by "GRAPEFRUIT MOMMY, GRAPEFRUIT!"
Every time someone other than Alessandra got out she was like, "aww so sorry hun, give me the phone!" It finally came down to her and Mike, which is on our Instagram page. When she won all we saw was this:
After the intense came of Guess This, we all decided that Karaoke was in order to cool things down a little bit. This went on till the early morning!
Bianca's boyfriend's brother had gotten her a Google Home for Christmas, so the next day she and Alessandra were setting it up. This was actually really fun to watch. All you heard from upstairs was, "Hey google, why is my cat fat?" Google would respond, "I am not sure I can answer that". Bianca then going, "shut up google you're an idiot!" To "hey Google play Spotify". To hearing Bianca go, "oh my god this thing is so cool!
Oh don't worry, the fun didn't stop there. Alessandra had a gift card to Urban Outfitters, in which she ordered boots Christmas night. So she comes down and said, "mom I think my boots should have come, the app says delivered". So I look at her and said, "did you put the right address?" She looks at me and goes, "oh noooo I put 41 instead of 42, mommy go get my boots pleaseeeee?"
I'm sorry? Listen I know where I live. When I order shit, it's on my porch. Now you expect me to go walk to another house, take a package off their porch when I try to avoid neighborly contact? So Tammy looks at me and goes, "oh it's Lenny's house!" Who the fuck is Lenny? If you know Lenny then you go! Of course not, I had to go to "Lenny's" house. So here I am outside Lenny's house, ringing the doorbell, because I didn't want him to think I was just taking packages off his porch. So it looked something like this:
Of course Lenny didn't come to the door, so I took the package and walked back home, feeling guilty, like I just committed mail fraud:
So there ya have it! The first blog of 2018. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's cold outside and I need some hot tea!
Well it's that time again, where I lay it all out there for the world to read and get amused by our adventures. Enjoying yourselves? Good, that's exactly how I planned it!
Well, I am happy to announce that we, and as in "we", I mean my wife has finished all the Christmas shopping and Bianca has finished all the wrapping! Don't sit there and shake your heads in disbelief like I'm the real life grinch. I put up the tree and the outside lights, I did my part. It is not MY fault that someone started with this whole thing about an old man with a white beard who lives in the North Pole with a bunch of elves and delivers presents once a year on the day Jesus was born!
I mean Christmas is about...about.... ah hell I didn't pay attention in CCD and I'm spiritual, so I can't truthfully answer that question. In any event, I will no longer allow the myth of Santa Claus to continue in this house. He's taken credit long enough! That's it I put my foot down! I mean between you and I, me putting my foot down literally lasts 2.5 seconds. The reason why you ask? Well when I put my foot down I get this look from my wife:
I immediately do this:
Well then I guess we've established who wears the pants in this relationship. Moving on! So there was an interesting turn of events since the last blog. Alessandra decided that she was going to work out. Her working out consisted of doing "butt exercises" because she wanted a "nice butt"! Well Santa sure as hell can't bring that so I guess the lunges and back kicks will have to do. So every night Alessandra and Bianca would begin with Yoga poses and then do this butt workout and then a half hour of Just Dance. For approximately ONE week, every night it looked like this in our living room.
Watch out Kardashian Sisters there's some new sisters in town and they're working the gluteus maximus! When I say that it was legit one week, I'm not lying. After one week of doing all that every night, both of them were all like this:
So if you recall from the last blog, I mentioned our new seven and a half foot pre-lit tree that immediately became a de-lit tree because of the asshole cats. Now I know which one it was because I approached every single one of them and questioned them on their actions during the night and low and behold the one that ran away was the culprit! Here's a tip kitty cats out there, if you do something that fucks something up, don't run when you're questioned! That's an immediate sign of guilt, and you're all suppose to be smart animals?!
Sorry, I digress. The ADD kicked in there for a hot minute. Back to our regularly scheduled bitchfest. So as I was saying, I take our teenage daughter, Alessandra to school in the morning. I get up around 6:15, turn on the Christmas tree, feed the asshole cats, clean the liter, have some coffee and wait for Alessandra to come rushing down the steps around 6:40. Last week, I come back from taking her to school and find this:
Now... either my fucking christmas tree got too lazy from standing and fell over or the cats were being assholes again. My suspicion led me to believe that it was the asshole cats, considering I saw one of them all in my tree like this:
This time, I didn't need to interrogate them, because I knew exactly who it was! Of course when I walked in my reaction was quite simple, "Are you fucking kidding me?!" I did, however lecture every single one of them on how just because they see lights and dangly things doesn't mean that they have to be all up in my shit! They got their Christmas present, which was a three tiered cat tower! Go fucking be a cat and play on that! Oh noooooo, you all have to be assholes! Now our tree looks like its been through World War III. Looking all sad with giant cat holes all up in the tree! What a damn shame. The tree when from boujee to this:
We got fucking ornaments hanging half off, bows all upside down and balls missing with the hooks still left on the branches! It will be a Christmas miracle if this tree actually makes it to Christmas Day! We bought spray that is supposed to deter the cats from the tree because of the smell. Well, let me just tell you what this spray does? It literally deters all of us humans from the living room gasping for fresh air, while the asshole cats are surrounding the tree doing this:
As if I haven't had enough fun the past two weeks, it was Gia's birthday on the 12th. Now by now, you should all know that Gia is one of our doggos. So I come home from work and the wife and I are relaxing on the couch and she turns to me and says, "Gia's birthday is coming up, we need to get her some birthday presents." I'm sorry excuse me? Birthday presents? She then proceeds to tell me that Gia grew out of all her clothes and that she needs new clothes for her birthday. In my head, I'm thinking clothes for what? She doesn't go to school, she doesn't go to functions because she's a FUCKING DOG! She stays inside! My wife then makes me goes on Amazon and order her three t-shirts and two sets of pajamas. Want to see my face when she handed me back my phone after she picked out all the clothes? Here it is:
Wait, there's more! My wife then informs me that we have to order the dogs' Christmas outfits because they're going to see Santa!
Okay... yea.. I got nothing!
I finally convinced my wife this morning to not take them to the pet store to see Santa this morning. However, this turned into me playing pet photographer to Gia and Teddy in their Christmas outfits. After 45 minutes of Tammy yelling sit, holding a two treats over their heads and me moving left, then right, then left, then right again, we finally got it!
The doggos say Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanza and Happy New Year!