Happy Sunday everyone. My sincerest apologizes for the delay in blogging. Last month was a bit of a crazy month with 4 of our 5 kids having birthdays. It literally felt like every other day all I did was this:
First we started off with our youngest, who turned 10 and wanted sneakers for his birthday. Not just any kind of sneakers, but LEBRON sneakers. I remember when I was younger and it was my birthday, I got a cake, told to blow the candles out and make a wish for something I really wanted.......that I never got! I'm still waiting on 38 years of fucking birthday wishes! Lebrons.. he don't even play basketball! In any event he got his sneakers. Then 4 days after his birthday our twins turned 21. So since 21 is a milestone birthday we took immediate family to dinner and celebrated their day. This is where it starts to get interesting. The morning of the twins' birthday, Anthony gets a stomach virus.
At this point I'm thinking we have exactly 6 hours before we have to leave so throw up as many times as you can before we leave. Needless to say my plan did not go as well as it did inside my head. I'll spare you the details of what transpired at the restaurant but let's just say at one point I caught myself sitting at the table looking like:
We finally made it to the end of the night and we get home and get Anthony in bed and then Bianca comes in and informs us that she needs to go to the medi-merge in the morning because her throat is on fire and her ears hurts. Then we find out the next day that Alessandra was up with a stomach virus all night and that Bianca had a throat infection and ear infection. So here I am drinking coffee thinking that this can't possibly be a good thing right now. Then suddenly this image pops into my head:
So Tam and I immediately quarantine everyone to their rooms. I'm spraying everything I can think of down with lysol.. yes even the cats because they touch the cats. I'll be honest, I contemplated rigging up a can of lysol to the hose and taking all the germ breeding, infected kids outside and doing this:
My wife told me I was overreacting. I think NOT! I can't get sick. I have to go work. Provide. Do the providing thing. Then the unimaginable happened very early morning on Monday. The germs had reached my wife! I wake up and check on her in the bathroom like:
Listen, I'm supportive but when you're looking like the kid from the exorcist I'm going to be supportive from a distance. This meant one thing.. I was going to have to get the kids to school and we all know from previous blogs how well that plays out when I'm left unsupervised with the kids. Needless to say, Anthony went to school in an outfit that apparently didn't match. I gave him the wrong lunch and almost drove over cones on the drop off line because I don't read ANY emails that come from the school. With everyone in the house down with some sort of germ infested illness, I immediately start googling things to take to not get sick and come up with the miracle drug! Activated charcoal people! Buy it, stock up on it, live on it! After dropping Anthony off at school I drove around looking for this stuff. Finally after 4 pharmacies I found it, got in the car and immediately took two! Now I will advise you all that if you're going to take this, drink it with A LOT of water. I had a little bit of coffee left and one pill got stuck in my throat and when I burped it tasted like I ate a bag of quick start charcoal for a grill. So of course my entire drive home I'm like:
I walked into the house like:
Walked up to everyone and gave them 2 pills and said, "no questions, take these", like a boss! I made everyone take two pills every 3 hours. The next day everyone felt better and I stood, the lone survivor of the stomach virus rampage like:
I'm telling you... ACTIVATED CHARCOAL. Get it, you can thank me later!
Now that everyone is over the cooties and have officially been cleared from Quarantine by me, let's talk about Halloween! I'm not a very big fan of Halloween and yes we've discussed this in numerous blogs of mine so no need to rehash it all. I am however surrounded by a family that likes Halloween so I just play along like:
I'm not exactly sure how I, let alone anyone can get excited about any halloween considering come September every store has Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year decorations out all at once! Somehow, someway it became Hallankschristyear. I mean what the fuck is that about? I'm not sure if I should be buying candy, a thanksgiving center piece, a baby Jesus or a friggen Welcome to 2018 sign! Slow it down merchandisers, slow... it ... down!
So because I play along so well with the Halloween thing, I got to take Anthony trick-or-treating. My wife in her usual Witch costume (no serious, she dresses up as a witch every year.. not that she is one), stayed back handing out candy with our two dogs, whom she decided to dress up too!
With the witch, the bat and the F-Boy dog at home, Anthony, Ale, Bianca and myself ventured the neighborhood. The whole time I thought Anthony was a vampire until one of the neighbors called him Skeletor and I turned to Ale and Bianca and said, "that's what he is?" What? Listen, I don't do this stuff people! Vampire, Skeletor, what the hell is the difference? I mean he had a cape! What Skeletor do you know that has a cape? As if it's not bad enough that I don't even know what our kid is for halloween, I also hate walking! I contemplated driving from house to house but I got this look from my wife:
Walking it is then! I figured walking around a neighborhood would be more fun in a shark onsie, so that's exactly what I did! Bianca and Ale headed back to the house to hand out candy with Tammy, which left me and Vampetor boy walking around. I kept trying to convince that he had tons of candy in his bag and that we should head home. Yea, nope didn't work. Then the ghost and ghouls of Halloween came through for me.. he had to pee! Aww look at that time to go home!
I walk inside and lay directly on the couch in my shark onsie and all while the family is outside tending to the greedy candy kids outside! I'm thinking to myself it's getting dark everyone go home and eat your stash and drive your parents crazy! I have one here that's already diving into his stash. I start thinking that once again, I've made it through another halloween until my wife comes in and tells me that we're taking a drive to an old abandoned slaughter house after dinner. In my mind I'm thinking:
I mean of course I kept that in my head, but what came out of my mouth was more like:
She looks at me and said, "come on, it's Halloween it will be fun"! I'm sorry..abandoned slaughter house + halloween + the friggen world has gone mad+ darkness + in the middle of no where= NOT FUN AT ALL! Have you lost your damn mind? Listen Witch, I am not following the yellow brick road to find the friggen Wizzard. Don't make me drop a house on you!
I lost that battle! Carlton stayed behind with Anthony (lucky asses) so Tammy, Ale, Bianca and myself headed out for a Halloween drive. Now the whole time I'm driving my wife is like "can we play halloween music?" "Oh this is going to be so fun!" Meanwhile I'm driving, plotting my revenge. So we pull down the dark road where the slaughter house is off of and I start driving really slow, I turn into the dirt path and all of sudden, Ale, Bianca and my wife start saying "oh no, I have a bad feeling, I have bad feeling, go back!" Oh... what's this now? You all wanted to drag my ass out of the house for a fright night drive, I'm not even on the property yet and you all have a bad feeling! Okay. So I put the car in reverse and I yell, "Holy shit what is that in my back up camera!?" Now all three of them are screaming and turning there heads and going, "what is it?! Oh my god! go mommy go!" Meanwhile I'm sitting there like:
Feeling pretty proud of myself I head up the road and I have everyone telling me to just go home now. Oh no, it doesn't work like that! I turned around and pulled up right outside the slaughter house and everyone is looking to the left and I turn and yell "oh my god, who is outside the friggen window!? What the fuck is that!! OH MY GOD!", they all turn and scream at the top of their lungs, while I'm sitting in the driver seat like:
That'll teach them! Can't prank a prankster!
So the next morning we're having coffee before I leave for work and my wife asks, "where is Anthony's candy bag?" I sip my coffee and look at her like:
You should all know what comes next out of Tammy's mouth. She looks at me and goes, "Kris, what did you do?" Well, I may have suggested that he just leave it in his room for the night, you know, it was late.
I quickly followed up with, "coffee is good baby, I love you!" Which then of course prompted this reaction from Tammy:
So there ya have it folks! Until next time!
Well hello out there! I figured last week I would skip the blog and post the beautiful work of my wife. Given all the devastation that has transpired over the last few weeks, I figured my sarcastic, twisted mind would have added more devastation. Hence, the poem my wife wrote being posted in lieu of a blog. Hope you all enjoyed it!
Now back to business.. Sorry for the little sidebar, but I just have to share with all of you that as I was typing "Now back to business" Beyonce's song Run the World just popped into my head! For a brief moment I broke out into this:
Now that, that's all out of my system, let's get onto the recent Gaydy Adventures. So last weekend we, and by we I mean my lovely wife, our daughters and myself, went up to Maryland to see our niece debut in a play. Our little guy had a football game and Mike was working, so we took the opportunity to have a girls' weekend away. The drive to Maryland wasn't bad. I mean not much to look at while you're driving up, but it was about a 2 and a half hour drive. I, of course could not listen to any of my music because you know, my music sucks. So the girls had complete control over what we listened to. Which of course entailed switching 3 chargers around while I'm driving on an interstate! I'm all for having a vast variety of music to listen too but when your going from Nikki Minaj to Phantom of the Opera to Disney back to Migos, you kind of feel like:
To immediately feeling like:
Have no fear, because about a half hour before we arrived at the hotel, my wife and I started playing the soundtrack to Rent and singing. I look in the rear view mirror and I see this:
Although our girls didn't actually say that, we pretty much know that they were thinking how dare they touch the music in the car that they bought and we don't own!
We got to the hotel around 4pm, which gave us some time to settle in and meet up with our family and have some dinner before heading over to the campus to see our Niece's play. Now, the play was called Major Barbara and our niece was Major Barbara. The only thing I understood about the play was that everyone spoke in a British accent. I honestly can not tell you what the plot of the play was, what it was about or the background on the play. However, I will tell you I was in my glory listening to all the British accents flying around! Not to mention the fact that our Niece was phenomenal. So after the play we got to go see her dorm room and meet our Furnephew Hamlet, who by the way had a shark costume on!
Can we just briefly talk about living on campus for a second. I mean I totally get why kids do it, but it is definitely not something for me. Me being the nosey person I am, I start walking around to ya know, check it out. So the dorm room has three bedrooms, then a little lobby area that had a sink, mini fridge and coffee pot, then a door to the right where the toilet was and a door to the left where the shower was. Nope, no, nah! First of all I don't share coffee. Secondly I don't share a sink and lastly why the hell ain't the toilet in the same room as the shower? So as I'm "investigating", I look like this:
I have to give my niece and any kid that lives on campus, because If I had to share a room and a bathroom with a complete stranger, I'd be like
Right off the bat I'd be like, full name, social security number, date of birth and mother's maiden because I'm running a background check on you there "roomie"!
So the next morning we get up for breakfast and the girls head down and immediately get in line, while my wife and I are roaming aimlessly trying to find the coffee. After breakfast we headed back home. Now remember how I told you that Maryland was only 2 and a half hours away? Well about 45 minutes into the ride, the girls start talking about food. Alessandra all of a sudden goes, "I smell McDonald's!" If she can smell McDonald's while we are on an interstate with the windows rolled up then I'm putting a patent on her and making some money off of her! Bianca starts talking about smelling Wendy's and I'm all like:
You know why I was like that? Because they just ate breakfast 45 minutes ago and now I have to hunt down a McDonald's or Wendy's so that they can get something to eat to avoid the hangry mood from creeping up on us! So needless to say it took us a little longer than 2 and a half hours but in the end the girls were happy and I was happy because they were so distracted eating I got to play my music!
So in the last blog I shared some "documentaries" of the girls attempting to kill stinkbugs, which are located on our Bonus Features page. Well the Stink Bugs have returned and the stories I've heard while at work are endless. I'll give you one scenario. My wife and Bianca are home alone and there were two giant stink bugs in her room. I know this because on my lunch break I usually call my wife to just say hi. Well when I called her, the first time it went to voicemail, so I called back. She answers the phone all out of breathe and I immediately ask what's wrong. Her response: "We have a serious situation here, like a serious situation!" So of course my mind starts wandering into the worst case scenario until she comes out with, "there are two giant stink bugs in Bianca's room and it's just us here!"
I'm sorry, that is NOT a friggen serious situation! Damn women going to give me a heart attack with these calls! So I'm on the phone and I hear Bianca screaming in the background like she's getting killed. It's actually pretty impressive, not a break for a breathe of air, it's just one, long giant scream. My wife is on the phone yelling "eww, eww, Oh my god, oh my god! Meanwhile I'm on the other end like:
With that I was like, "okay hunny, I have to go back to work, love you!" I mean what the hell am I suppose to do? Needless to say my wife got the stink bugs and managed to record it too. It was like watching the Blair Witch Project, only involving stink bugs instead of spirits.
So this weekend, my wife and I decided to escape for a weekend up to our friends Scott and Peggy's house, which is upstate Pennsylvania. Friday night we left after I got out of work and got up there about 9pm, so we had a few drinks and then Scott and I started to watch the movie Zodiac, only to be woken up by our respective wives that it was time to go to bed. Saturday Scott and I started the morning off with a drink and jacuzzi, which of course then led us both to taking naps before heading out for dinner! Saturday night we all decided that we would watch a movie with the fireplace going. Of course I was outnumbered because all of them are horror movie freaks, where I am a giant pussy when it comes scary movies! Like seriously, my inner girl comes out and my wife's inner butch comes out when there's a scary movie on. I am the one that will sit scrunched down with the blanket up to my chin and a pillow in front of my face. Meanwhile, my wife is sitting there like:
Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you! People are getting possessed by demons, killed violently, tortured and you're all like this movie is great! Which brings me to the conversation my wife had with Peggy while they were searching for a movie. Peggy says to my wife, "I can watch people getting blunged to death but hurt an animal or a baby and that's where I draw the line!" My wife turns around and says, "Exactly!" I'm sorry but ..... WHAT THE FUCK?! Let me get this straight.. you can watch someone take an axe repeatedly to the head, brains flying all over the place but the minute a cat or a dog gets hurt you can't watch?
As if watching The Bye Bye Man wasn't pure torture for me, they decided make me watch the Grudge and Grudge II. Ya know what, next time I'm making you all watch shark movies where your innocent little seals get swallowed up whole! How you like me now?!
Leaves are falling, the nights are getting chilly, every where you go there's something with fucking Pumpkin Spice in it.. ahhh, Fall is in the air! With fall finally arriving, so do those little multi-legged creatures that have absolutely NO manners and think they can just creepy crawl into anyone's house like they own it, being all like:
Now, by now it's not a secret that our girls, my wife and myself hate hate bugs of all types. I don't care if you're a cute little lady bug and you bring good luck; if you fly by my head and land on me we're going to have a problem. That being said, now that it's getting colder outside at night the girls are finding more creepy little creatures trying to get warm in their rooms. Which means, screaming like someone is getting murdered has now commenced! With the screaming, they manage to utter shrills of "Mommmmmmmmmy, hurry there's a bug, kill it", follows! Which leaves me sitting on the couch like:
You like that transition into the recent adventure of the Gaydy Bunch huh?? All of the above leads me to last Tuesday night when my wife and I were relaxing on the couch and I had an itch on the side of my armpit but towards the back. You know the spot that you can't reach? So I said, "baby scratch my armpit?" All of a sudden she smacked me! Which totally caught me off guard so naturally I was like:
She was all like:
So I looked at her and was like.. "Babe what the hell?" In the midst of her hysterical laughter she's like you said it itched? Oh so smack my arm, that should help!
All of sudden we heard the girls scream, followed by several bangs, then more screams! At this point Tammy is like "oh my god what's going on up there?" Meanwhile I'm setting up the video camera on my phone because I just KNOW there's going to be some good footage! Of course I go upstairs (while I'm video taping) and our two girls are taking turns screaming at each other. Now they're not screaming AT each other, they were more or less just taking turns at screaming! I asked what the hell was going on and Alessandra hands me a bag and screams for me take it out because apparently there was a stinkbug inside of it. While she's holding the bag, I'm all like:
So after I disposed of the stink bug, I sit back on the couch and continue relaxing and then it happened!!! My wife starts screaming from the kitchen that there's a HUGE bug in the kitchen and for me to come kill it! What the fuck? Was I wearing a friggen exterminator outfit that was only visible to my wife and daughters? At this point I'm now like:
Up again and into the kitchen this time, BUT not before I turn on the video camera! She shows me the "HUGE" bug and it was legit the size of my thumbnail. I looked at my wife like:
Looked at the bug and said, "this is the 'HUGE' bug you're screaming about? With that, she looked at me like:
Then responded, "yes, kill it please?" Yes honey as you wish!
After that fiasco I went to bed! The next day on my way to work, I called my wife, like I normally do. At first I was like damn, that's one sexy morning voice and then I was like HOLD UP! I swear it sounded like Satan answered the phone and was like can I take a message for her! I said, "Babe?" Then heard a demonic voice and I was like, "okay hunny you sound like a demon I'm gonna go. Love you bye!" I'm driving to work like:
Not today Satan... NOT-TO-DAY! So my wife calls me and I admit I was bit hesitant as to whether or not to answer the phone. So I answer the phone and I'm all like, "ahhhh hello?" My wife comes back with, "sorry I missed your call?" Missed my what? Wait.. I called, Satan answered and you're telling me you didn't answer your phone?
So I tell her that I called her and the phone answered and I heard a voice that sounded creepy and she's all like "Babe, I didn't answer my phone!" Then she proceeds to tell me that her phone has been acting weird and going into apps by itself and dialing numbers by itself and how she thinks her phone is possessed! I'm like Oh hellllllllll no, we are taking that shit right back to AT&T. MmmMmm Mama Kris ain't playing!
Could you all imagine me walking into AT&T with her phone?! A rep walks up to me and says, "Welcome to AT&T how can we help you today?" and I'm like "yes, Satan is setting up camp in this phone he's your problem now, we'll take the 7plus thanks!" Listen AT&T I don't care what you have to do, burn the shit, douse it with holy water, light candles, pray over it but it is not coming back here! Hell no.. no pun intended!
Listen if Apple is gonna keep making phones can we keep the devil out of them? I mean I know you all got some kind of competition going with Android but the Devil.. come on bro... you better than that! Put some Jesus into your phone or something! When I call my wife and Jesus answers and is all like:
You KNOW it's gonna be a good day!
Well here we are... Sunday evening and yes, we've managed to continue to keep it interesting in the Gaydy Household. Let's first start with end to last weekend, where my wife thought that it would be a good idea to take me food shopping with her. I hate food shopping.. it's extreme torture. She knows this. I mean you're walking aimlessly around a store, up and down isles, pushing a cart that never rolls smooth, with crowds of people, then standing in long lines, just to take out all the shit you put in the cart onto a conveyor belt, is not my idea of fun. I think I'd rather take a pencil to the eye than go food shopping. That's a little harsh.. no, no, I stand by my taking a pencil in my eye than going food shopping.
So my wife tells me that we're done food shopping and we can head to the line and I immediately do this:
Sorry to whoever got the broken box of cereal, but I was overcome with joy! That euphoria feeling of hearing this words "head to the line" was quickly ripped away from like taking candy from a baby when I saw the checkout line. Listen, it was a Sunday, you have a mob of people what's the point of only having 4 registers open when I clearly see you have 14? I'm sorry, but they're closed for what? Renovations? Candy stocking? What? You grocery store, you have absolutely NO reason other than making people stand in line wanting to do this:
So we finally make it to the front of the line and my wife starts instructing me on the order in which the groceries are suppose to go on the belt. For example, heavy things first, then frozen food, then cold items, then toiletries, and so on. Is this a thing? When did this become a thing? Just throw the shit on the belt and let's keep it moving. My wife's response isthat if you put the items in that order then the bags are organized and it's easier to unpack. I watched as the cashier put the items in the bag and it was definitely NOT in the order that we put them on the belt, so:
So after I clearly made my point, my wife's response was "remind me to never take you food shopping with me again", with this look:
Welp at least I get out of going food shopping now!
So Thursday my wife had texted me that she wanted to do something fun and different with the kids on Friday night. So of course I agree, because that's exactly what you should do! So she found this outdoor showingof Beauty and The Beast. The key word here is OUTDOOR. Now let's just forget for a moment that we've seen Beauty and The Beast about a thousand times and discuss the fact that this was outside! Kris doesn't do the outdoors. Kris doesn't like bugs of any kind. However, I am not one to disappoint the wife and kids and geared up for the outdoor festivities. So we had a blanket and picked up food on the way. In my head I was thinking, "this is cute it's like an outdoor picnic at night". Then when we laid the blanket down and I sat down and had a sharp object, some weird acorn with spikes, stabbed me right in the ass. Once that happened, that thought in mind quickly turned into:
So I managed to readjust my ass on the blanket and started eating my food I brought and then it happened! The fucking mosquitos came out like gang busters and starting biting me left and right. So here I am trying to adjust sitting on the ground surrounded by the creatures of the earth, eating and all I'm doing is this:
I mean what's a few 100 mosquitos bites anyway? Take one for the team right? All in all it was a pretty cool experience and the girls had fun so that's all that really matters.
Saturday we spent the day out and about and the headed to my sister-in-laws for a night of music, dancing and laughs. This is where it gets interesting. We get home around 1:30 in the morning and around 1:45 a.m. I hear the girls calling for me to come up because their toilet is clogged.No problem! Up the stairs with the plunger I go. As I'm plunging their toilet I hear my wife screaming my name from downstairs. So I respond with "I'm a little busy plunging hunny." With that she screams something and my daughters hear and say, "mom said the water is coming through the ceiling. Which immediately prompted this reaction from me:
I run downstairs to see our hallway with a nice size puddle of water and our light fixture looking like a lovely fishbowl with a light bulb floating around. At this point, I'm staring up at the light thinking, "how many beers are left in the refrigerator"? Then I remembered that there was one, which clearly wasn't going to be enough to deal with this shit show. So my wife is in the living room telling me that a fire is going to break out, which prompts our girls to start figuring out an escape route and how their going to gather all the cats up and get them to safety. Meanwhile, I'm standing on a chair trying to dismantle the light fixture to drain the water. No worries fam, if I get electrocuted you got my life insurance! No need to worry about me, I'm all goooooood!
I saw this all going down pretty bad, so I went downstairs and cut the main breaker and Mike (because he's taller people) got up on the chair as I'm holding my cell phone flash light instructing him how to take down the fixture. At the same time my wife decides NOW would be the perfecttime to light a candle. Long story short, we got the fixture off, the water drained and we stayed up until 4 in the morning convincing the girls that no fire would start and that they and the animals would be safe.
Which brings me to today! Sunday I spoke with our plumber and he was coming this afternoon to "assess" the situation. So I'm work and I get this text message from my wife saying they had a "situation at home". I immediately start panicking because I'm thinking more water was leaking or something else happened in the house. So I text her back and say "what situation?" She doesn't respond, so I grab my phone and go outside my office and call in a panic only to hear about this:
A fucking black caterpillar in the kitchen! Yep, I had a friggen heartachoke over a friggen caterpillar! A cute little fuzzy thing that turns into a beautiful butterfly! According to my wife and kids the caterpillar was "head banging" and this caused the situation! My reaction:
Well there ya have it, and so the adventures continue! Until next week.....
It's that time again peeps! Are you all excited to hear what adventures we managed to endure in only ONE week since the last blog? I know, I know.. I'm so excited myself to bare all with complete and total strangers for pure amusement. Monday was low key and then Tuesday late afternoon, I received a text from wife saying, "oh hunny, by the way, we're locked inside of the house". Now I can understand being locked OUT of the house, but how does one manage to get locked inside of the house. I'm sure by now you all know what my reaction to the text was. If not, here it is:
After work, I called her and asked how the hell she was locked inside the house. She proceeded to tell me that the lock to the screen door was jammed and they couldn't get out. Keep in mind we do have a side door to the house that leads into the garage and out of the house. I get home and go through the garage, which I HATE with a passion, because it's a garage and there's spider webs. So the whole time I'm trying to get through the garage into the side door I'm walking like this:
Seriously, I hate that garage, I want to burn it down! Light a match and be like:
Actually I would prefer to do that to this entire house. It's the friggen money pit! I'm waiting to get up in the middle of the night to get water and this happen:
Anyways... back to the story. So I get inside and I said to my wife, "what's wrong with the door?" She looks at me and then looks at the door, so I look at the door and see this, which I captured on my snapchat story:
So the above picture represents what I came home to. As you can clearly see from what the picture depicts up above... WE HAD NO FUCKING HANDLE LEFT ON THE SCREEN DOOR! It completely fell off. So hear I am, right after working all day, attempting to fix the door. My tools consisted of the following: flat tip screw driver, philips screw driver, a credit card, a butter knife and eye glass screw driver. All were epic fails so I brought out a steak knife. At that point I wasn't sure what the hell the steak knife was going to do, but I was two and half hours in to working on the door and it still look like the above picture.
My lovely wife was standing on the other side of the door from the inside, while mosquitos were feasting on my flesh asking me what I thought. Of course I glanced up looking like:
My response was simple, "CALL FUCKING HOME DEPOT AND TELL THEM TO COME OUT!" So she calls Home Depot and of course they have to ask you 9,000 questions before asking you exactly what you're calling about. So she finally gets someone from the door department and this guy is all like, "well we didn't install the door so we can't help you!" So with that I send a text message to the contractor the picture above of the door and he calls me. I of course start the conversation with the pleasantries, "Hey how are you?" This dude comes back with "well, I'm a lot better than you right now". You think you're funny huh?
You know what I think is funny? The fact that you're fixing this door for free! Touché mother fucker! In the end the door is fixed however we can never, ever lock the screen door again.
My wife has been telling me for about a week that her car was making a really loud and weird noise. Our son Mike drove the car and told us she needed brakes. So naturally I asked if the car stops. What? It's a normal question when someone says you need brakes! My thinking is this.. if the car is still stopping then you don't necessarily need brakes on an emergency basis. I don't see anything wrong with that thought process, do you? Well, I drove her car Friday night and it sounded like a fucking airplane was taking off! This god awful sound.. my dear lord baby jesus, I have never heard anything like this come from a car before! I still hear the sound echoing in my eardrums now! I got out of the car like:
Now keep in mind, my wife has been telling me about this sound for a week. Naturally when we got out of the car and I said, "yea, so this is bad" she looked at me like:
To the car dealer we go! So my wife's old car was a 2013 Nissan Rogue, so we went back to the Nissan dealer to trade it in. Driving to the dealership in that car, making that God awful sound was literally making break out into a sweat. I kept turning up the music but the sound kept overpowering the music. I kept checking the brakes to make sure that when we actually needed to stop we would. Me the entire time I was driving to the dealer:
I hate the whole process of buying a new car. First of all it literally takes up your entire friggen day! They ask you the same questions even though you've answered them a thousand times. At one point I had to refrain myself from saying, "if I had money to put down, do you honestly think that I would be here, in this dealer, getting that car? No, I'd be over at the Mercedes dealer or the Land Rover dealer!" So finally after 6 hours on a Saturday...my Saturday...my day off... my wife got a new car. While they were finalizing the deal, I was cleaning out the old car because I didn't want them to drive the car off before we actually left. The Salesman was like I can go over all the settings with you and I was like nah bro, you did enough, I can figure it out for her. I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. The salesman was really nice so I was like ok lets hug it out and go back to work dude! As we drove off, this image immediately popped into my head:
I figured that image was appropriate for the situation!
So there ya have it... the latest with the bunch! Stay tuned.. next Sunday I'm sure we'll be interesting.. to say the least!
Happy Sunday everyone! First, I (along with the Bunch) want to send prayers out to all those affected by Mother Nature being a complete and total bitch these past few weeks! Mother Nature out there like:
But we don't have a problem with Global Warming:
Alright let's shed some light on the current events by talking about the adventures of my family. So my wife and daughter Bianca went to get their nails done at this new salon. My wife sent me a text telling me that she thought the manicurists were talking about her and Bianca in Korean. Naturally my response back was "why do you think that?" My wife comes back with, "we walked in, they asked us to pick a color and then three of them looked at us and then started talking in Korean and laughing". Ummmm:
How do you even respond to something like that? I mean it could be possible they didn't like the color they picked out. Could be possible that they were in the middle of a joke before they walked in; or they were in fact talking about them. Either way, neither of them are fluent in Korean so let that shit go! In any event, my response was a typical response of "lol". Always go with the "lol" that way you don't get in trouble with what you say. After my "lol" text back, I received 10 more text messages about how the pedicure chairs look like they're the original chairs from the 1950s, the guy working on Bianca's toes is going in on an ingrown toe nail, they just wrapped her feet and legs in a warm towel after having oil massaged in and how they like this place now and how I should go next time for a pedicure! Me:
Let me just enter that in my calendar as, never going to happen! If you're not my wife or my dogs, you don't get to touch and play with my feet. I don't know you like that!
Moving on....So my wife made an eye doctors exam for us last weekend because she said her eyes were getting bad and said my vision completely sucked! Wow, thanks so much hunny! Now here I am on a Saturday morning without a full pot of coffee at an eye doctor. I don't necessarily hate doctors, I just don't like going to them because they always have something to say. So we get there and start filling out paperwork, which was fun, because neither of us could really see what we were writing. Question.. why do eye doctors' forms ask for your allergies? I mean do you plan on giving me injections of codeine into my eyeballs? Do you have bees flying around your office? What's the point? So at that point, I was just like "see attached list"!
Since I completed the form first I got to go in first. So I had to look into this machine and see a little red house, which by the way, I didn't see. Then I had to switch over to this machine that blows air into your eyes, which makes you do this:
After that fun filled room, I got to go into another room where he made me read the alphabet and at that point I was just guessing because I couldn't see shit. So after the exam the doctor asks me what my driver's license says, so I said "5'6", but I'm actually 5'2" but they don't measure you sooooo!" He looked at me and said, "no, does your license state that you have to wear glasses?" I said, "nope because I didn't check that box". This dude came back with "well now you have to check that box". Pssssh, wait, what? Then he comes at me like, "if you were to take your driver's test right now, you would fail based on your vision!" Me:
Whatchu talking about, I'm an excellent driver!
So in a nutshell because I didn't follow my last eye doctor's orders my astigmatisms got really bad and now I'm in glasses 24-7 unless I'm showering or sleeping. Now I am a sunglass freak. I love sunglasses and I was not about to spend money on two pairs of glasses so I got the magnetic clip on UV sunglass lens.. yes I brought back the 70's. I thought who I was when I first got my glasses, acting all like:
This past Thursday I was coming home from work and my wife called me to tell me that she and Bianca just left the store and apparently they went on a Summer's Eve shopping spree. Apparently Summer's Eve is more than just your original douche. They've expanded their product to all different kinds of scented wipes and even a spray. Now I can understand the wipes, but a spray? What the hell!?! So my daughter tells me that the spray said to hold the can approximately 12 inches away from you hoohoo. Now, I'm trying to picture this. I mean do you spray and then pelvis thrust into the mist, and why are there even products like this! I'm all for hygiene and smelling good, but who's walking around sniffing hoohoo's! My wife is like "honey you can use it too!" This image immediately popped into my head:
I see you Summer's Eve!
The other night my wife and I were sitting in the living room with Bianca and Carlton and Bianca said that she gets these little bumps on her scalp. So my wife told her it was probably from the products she uses in her hair. Then she said, "oh my god, what if it's cancer?" Here I am on the couch like:
So here we are trying to calm her down and Carlton turns around all calm and said, "well you did drop the blow dryer on the floor and then used it before cleaning it"? I'm sorry...... but......what the fuck? I looked at my wife, then looked at Bianca and then at Carlton like:
What in the hell is this boy talking about? So everyone, listen, if you have a small bump on your scalp, it's because you dropped your blow dryer on the floor and used it without cleaning it. How the hell you going to clean a blow dryer? I'm still thinking about that comment! I'm trying to figure out where my man was going with that. I mean I'm happy he was trying to make my daughter feel better, but no. Just tell her you don't feel any bumps and keep it moving!
So after a few minutes of trying to recover from the blow dryer comment, we started talking about going to a dermatologist. I have a mole on my lip that people like to refer to as a "beauty mark", I like to refer to it as "an annoying fucking mole". In any event, I said that I wanted to have it removed. My wife and kids are like, "no, it's your signature, its you!" Carlton busts out with, "does your mole taste different than your other skin?" I know.. I know.. you all are probably reading this and staring at your screen doing this:
Lord knows I was sitting there like:
Lord baby Jesus I had nothing! I couldn't think, I couldn't respond, I just sat there trying to understand what the hell just came out of his damn mouth! How does my mole taste? Whatchu think, I sit around and lick my mole then lick my hand and compare the taste? Boyyyyyyy shut up! From where I was sitting, you down two with ya girl! I'm looking at my daughter and she's sitting next to him like:
So as our weekend draws to end, we all ventured out to Peddler's Village to walk around and enjoy the beautiful fall weather. Unfortunately for me we all went in one car.....MY car. So as soon as we get in the car, before I even have the gear shift in reverse, Mike is like "are we getting food for the drive?" What drive, its 45 minutes!? Of course we had to stop so he could have a snack for a 45 minute drive. As I'm driving, I put on my Spotify and within 5 minutes I got Alessandra from the back going, "mommy can I put my music on?" What the hell is wrong with my music? Apparently my music isn't "lit" enough for a 14 year old! So here I am driving while I have Mike and Alessandra seeing who can yell at each other the loudest and at the same time getting "lit" and making my car shake from them dancing in the backseat. Meanwhile Bianca is hysterical laughing and I'm like:
So on the way home, I tortured them with my "lesbian music playlist"!
Hellllloooooo out there! Okay, I admit I've been sucking at keeping you all in the loop with the latest of the Gaydy adventures. I won't give you any excuses, I'm sorry and all I have to say is:
Okay... now that the apologies and the self pity is out of the way, let's see what I have that may tickle your fancies. Well, I guess I should start out by discussing that our 14 year old NOW has a boyfriend. Now, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this considering I very clearly instructed her that she was not to start dating until she was 30! Apparently this relationship began during one of my sun filled bourbon naps while in Florida. I wake up to learn that she met a boy and they hit it off and he only lives an hour away from us. I'm pretty sure you can imagine my reaction when I woke up to learn of this news. No? Okay, let me show you:
In any event, last weekend we went up to our friend's house for an "end of the summer" party and the girls brought their boyfriends up with them. Which meant that I had to drive to pick him up and then head up to the Poconos. Now of course Gia had to come with us, because as the wife puts it "she doesn't get out much." Ummm, she's a dog... where the fuck is she going to go? We'll get back to that debate in a minute. So here we are, Tammy, Alessandra, her boyfriend and myself all driving up to the Poconos. So you know my ass was like this the whole time driving up, looking in the rear mirror like:
Gotta let him know I'm watching him. I even put the cup holder divider down before he got in the car! We also tortured him with our style of music. Bianca and Carlton had Teddy in their car and we had Gia in our car. Now, I'm not sure if I ever discussed the fact that Teddy gets car sick. Which is a damn shame. Here he is 25lb dog that barks viciously like Cujo at anyone or anything that goes by our house and this damn dog can't make it 10 minutes in a car without getting sick! Don't think for a second that I thought about calling the place we got him to tell them they gave me a defective dog! Dogs aren't supposed to get car sick! Dogs are supposed to like car rides. Every dog I see in a car is sticking their heads out of a window with their tongues blowing in the wind, without a damn care in the world. Not teddy! He's all in the back of the car like:
Yes people, I know that's a GIF of a cat, but you try to search thousands of GIFs for the perfect sarcastic effect. If I kept searching we wouldn't get anywhere, so lets just keep it moving and pretend that's a friggen dog, mmmkay?
Now where was I, before I was interrupted but the readers thinking, "umm, that's not a dog?" Ah yes, the drive up to the Poconos. So we got repeated text messages that Teddy was throwing up in Carlton's car. Which by the way, was not our fault. We told Carlton that he would get sick but he still wanted to bring him. So after the fifth text, Tammy and I were like:
So we finally get up to our friends house and we head to the lake to hang on the boat and relax. What does my dumb as do? I challenge a bunch of 15 year olds to a game of basketball. Now here's a little fun fact about Kris. Kris played basketball from 7th grade all the way up to college. Kris also received a scholarship to play basketball until Kris blew her knee out. Yes I am fully aware of the fact that I am talking in the third person. I had absolutely NO business being on a basketball court at 38 years old with a bunch of 15 year olds, but ego and pride kicked in and I had to show the boys that Mama can play. Needless to say at the end of the two games I was off on the sidelines like:
Meanwhile my wife and daughters are standing there like:
In the midst of my asthma attack, I have both of my daughters like, "oh look at my bae playing". As if that's not bad enough, my wife is standing there going, "aww they're so cute and I'm like, "hellllllllo can we help mama get some air in her lungs before she has a heart attack please?" They look at me and they were all like, "are you okay?" Yea, I'm good don't worry about me, my lungs will eventually refill with air and the color will return to my face.... carry on. Needless to say everything, including my hair hurt the next morning
So the next morning after I threw myself out of bed and slithered down the steps on my ass, I decided to join everyone on the back porch for coffee. The kids went for a walk to the lake and the adults were sitting at the table having coffee. Then it happened! Bees! They all decided to come out and fuck with me knowing that I'm allergic to them. So now here I am dodging bees while trying to drink my coffee like:
So after a few cups of coffee, we headed back home. This time, ten minutes into the drive we got a text from Bianca and Carlton telling us to pull over because Teddy apparently wanted to start out right off the bat. Once we lined every inch of Carlton's car with wee wee pads we were back on the road again. Now getting Alessandra's boyfriend back home wasn't hard at all. It was coming home that became the problem. I decided to take "no tolls" home. Now everything was going fine, I turned the GPS off because I made the comment "I know where I am, it's all good". Yeaaaaaaaa, sooooo I was in the wrong lane and missed the split I was supposed to take. Which took an hour and a half trip and turned it into a two and a half hour trip. After passing the airport three times, I was like:
Finally we made it home after a few laps around the airport.
We'll be back next weekend with some more fun filled adventures!
We are finally back from sunny skies, palm trees, drinks poolside livin' la vida Gaydy to no sunshine, no palm trees, no drinks and no friggen pool.
That was pretty much our reaction this morning when we woke up and unpacked. Tis is life I suppose. In any event, I assume you've all been keeping up with our social media accounts to see our daily photos from our Florida family vacation. However, let me be the bearer of sarcastic rhetoric and fill you in on our "road trip" to and from Florida!
Before I venture into our lovely road trip down to Florida, let me just briefly discuss the packing situation. It's Florida, it's hot every day. There's not much you need other than some shorts, underwear, a bathing suit and maybe a few nice things for a fancy dinner out. Right? Nope, not the women in this house. I had all my clothes in a tiny section of a large suitcase, which, the other half was filled to the top by my wife and another small suitcase for her "options". The girls came downstairs with a large suitcase and four other bags. One bag contained shoes, the other contained toiletries, the other bag contained makeup and I'm not even sure what the other bag contained. Our living room looked like this:
So this was me at 4:45 a.m. attempting to pack the car:
Once I managed to get all the shit inside the back of the car, and by manage I mean shoving shit into any possible openings I could find and ramming my shoulder into the door just for it to shut, we were off! Now driving to Florida isn't so bad UNTIL you hit Virginia. We'll get to Virginia in a few, but first let's talk about the first 2-3 hours of driving. So here we are road tripping it and the girls decide that they want to control the music. No problem, I could use a little "git' er' going" music at 5am. What do they start playing.... DISNEY MUSIC PLAYLIST.
I figured okay we are going to Disney so let's get in the Disney mood. So everyone was singing along and then all of a sudden the girls feel asleep and disney songs from Mary Poppins came on and it just kept playing on repeat and I was finally like:
Listen, there's only so much Disney music that can get you through a drive like that and Mary Friggen Poppins is not it! As if that wasn't bad enough, take a guess who decided to come with us? No guesses...? Let me not leave you all hanging on this one. Our dog Gia was headed to her own little vacation at Disney's pet resort! Yep a friggen dog got to stay in a resort inside Disney. We'll circle back to that later on, lets get back to our drive. We decided to stop over in South Carolina, because let's face it, after driving through Virginia and North Carolina, you're just about ready to open the door and throw yourself out onto I-95. For real once you finally get out of Virginia and then realize how long North Carolina is you're like nah fuck this this I'm done and be like:
Don't lie.. you know anyone that drives down to Florida with kids and a dog wants to do just that. Between the food breaks, the bathroom breaks, the "stay on your side" yelling and the "what State are we in yet" it doesn't seem like a bad plan after all! After 9 hours of driving we get to the hotel in South Carolina. Nothing exciting happened here except that we ate amazing burgers and I fell asleep at 7p.m.
Back up at the crack of dawn and on the road for another 6 hours. So I'll skip straight to the part we we drop Gia off at her pet hotel! Now my wife booked the pet hotel, so I had no idea what was going on until we get there and the person is itemizing all of the things that Gia will be doing while in Disney. So I hear this, "okay, Miss Gia Marie is schedule for individual cuddle and play time, as well as reading time. We have doggy ice cream scheduled for Wednesday and she gets potty walks three-four times a day." My face at the exact moment the person finished itemizing the list of Gia's vacation:
Doggy ice cream, individual cuddle and play time okay fine, she's alone and with people she doesn't know. I get it, but how the FUCK you gonna sit and read to a damn dog?! Is everyone in Disney hopped up on some kind of magical sniffing dust?! This damn dog has the life! Ain't nobody reading to me! Damn shame!
My wife is telling me all the way from the Pet Hotel to the Villa how we need to go visit Gia in two or three days so she isn't sad. At that exact moment, our daughter Bianca says, "Pluto goes to visit the dogs!" Me:
I'm on vacation, the dog is staying inside Disney, getting friggen apple ice cream, cuddle time, play time, walks, story time and visits from Pluto, she ain't gonna miss us! Visit the dog.. pssh!
We had amazing weather every day, so every day we spent time by the pool, spending time with mom and dad and the kids. We went to a character breakfast with Lilo and Stitch and Magic Kingdom because it's Disney and it's a must. Tammy couldn't do a lot of walking with her neck and only being 8 months post surgery, so she rented a scooter for the park. First of all that thing is dangerous. I took it for a spin while Tammy was in the restaurant with the family and damn near drove that thing through a gate. I thought I was all cool zipping by people using the little horn then bam right into a gate.
The girls and I hit every single roller coaster with the exception of a few while Anthony stayed with Tammy. We did get to go on some rides as a family, like Pirates of the Caribbean and It's a Small World. Speaking of.. It's a Small World, THAT should not be a ride. It's pure torture for adults sitting in a boat that literally goes 2 mph listening to the same song on repeat. You kind of want to drown yourself in the two feet of water that the boat is in. We went on the Haunted Mansion ride, which is fun if you're me and scare the hell out of your 9 year old. I had to push Tammy in a wheelchair throughout the line because it was a 35 minute wait and she can't stand that long. I'm not even going to lie, I did not miss my calling as a nurse or a CNA. I was clipping people's ankles left and right with that chair. I'm seeing people hopping on one leg holding their ankle and I'm like, "ah shit sorry, you're good, you're good, walk it off!"
The rest of the time was spent by the pool during the day, dinner out with the family and either in Old Town or Disney Springs just enjoying family time.
Now there's nothing worse than you're vacation coming to end but knowing you have two days of driving ahead of you, you begin to hate life again. First stop after we leave the villa was to the Pet Resort to pick up the spoiled ass dog. Then we hit the road and attempt to make it to the same hotel in South Carolina without any delays. Wishful thinking. We're about 45 minutes into the drive and my wife keeps looking over at me. So I glance back and smile and then she looks over at me again and I smile again. This went on for about 5 minutes until I finally asked her what the problem was. Wanna know what her problem was? She had to pee! We aren't even an hour into our 6 hour drive and she has to pee! Naturally my reaction is this:
Off of I-95 we go! I made every single person get out even the damn dog and made them all go to the bathroom! We all get back in the car and back on I-95 we go. Three hours into our six hour drive and I start hearing, "so what do you want to eat?" Nothing.. how about NOTHING! How about we keep driving until we get to the hotel and you can order as much food as you all want! Better yet, how about you all go to sleep and I'll wake you up when we pull into the parking lot of the hotel. Of course the common questions started again, "how long until we get there?" "Stay on your side", "Stop touching my blanket", "its too cold in here" "its too hot in here", "I'm starting to get hangry", "You think Gia needs to be walked" and "I have to pee" The whole way to South Carolina I'm like:
Six and half hours later, maybe even seven hours later we get to the hotel and I laid on the bed and watched the soccer game while the wife and kids ordered food. We wake up, get ready and head down to the breakfast only to realize that we completely MISSED the breakfast, which meant one thing. You all know what that one thing is? It meant that we weren't jumping right onto I-95 and putting a dent into our 10 and a half hour drive right away because we had had to find food!
After we stopped and got breakfast we were back on the road. I managed to drive a total of four hours before my eyes started to get heavy. My wife is like "hunny sing with me, it will help keep you awake!" Sing.... that's what you want me to do? You want me to sing......
She agreed to drive for about an hour so that I could sleep a little and be refreshed to drive the rest of the way. So I wake up thinking she made it out of Virginia only to realize that she made it half way through. Let's talk about this shall we? I realize that Virginia is for lovers and all that fancy shit, but why does it have to be so damn long! We passed four friggen welcome centers in Virginia. FOUR.. you know why, because you spend almost 4 hours driving through the damn state you forget where the hell you are! Thank you baby Jesus for the welcome centers to remind me that I'm still in friggen Virginia.
Oh let's talk about how while I'm sleeping Gia decides to piss on my leg because you know Miss Gia got so use to her friggen "potty walks" three to four times a day down at Disney's Best Friggen Friends' Resort that she forgot how to bark. That's it.. I'm awake, might as well drive now!
Naturally driving home wouldn't be any fun if we didn't hit gridlock traffic every fifteen minutes. At this point Anthony starts complaining that his head hurts and his stomach hurts and without warning he is now throwing up in a bag. At this point, I'm sitting in traffic like this:
Meanwhile my wife and daughters are singing like its carpool karaoke like:
Making memories that's what we're all about here! Needless to say Anthony felt better and we managed to break through the traffic. As I'm coasting along Anthony asks if he can dump the water from his water bottle out of the window and pee in it so we didn't have to stop. How sweet. No, we're not stopping at a rest stop, you're going to do what every kid does when their parents want to get out of a car after driving long distances and pee off the side of a highway.
Back on the road we go. Now here I am making up some major time and we're just about to enter downtown Philadelphia when Anthony yells, "PULL OVER NOW!" So I ask him what's wrong and and he says, "I'm going to throw up again!" Of course this happens right as I'm in the left lane and have to make it across four lanes of traffic to the right shoulder. Alessandra starts making gagging sounds because naturally I couldn't get to the right quick enough and he throws up on her blanket but managed to make half of it into a bag. I pull over and Anthony is hunched over the side of the shoulder in socks throwing up. While I'm standing on the shoulder with a bag of vomit in one hand and a blanket with vomit in the other like:
I calmly get back in the car, turn around and tell Anthony to go to sleep, look at my wife and say, "next year, we're friggen flying!"
Happy Sunday all you fabulous people out there taking the time to read the shenanigans of our family! So I got lots to talk about, so get some coffee, some alcohol or whatever tickles your fancy and settle in!
First let's start off with the summer. Now usually people start getting fit and ready for summer before summer actually arrives, right? Not us here in the Gaydy residence. We like to wait about a month before we leave for vacation, we're procrastinators. So my wife decided that the whole family was going to eat healthier (not that we didn't eat unhealthy, but I ain't one to argue with my wife), so here we are on a diet. Now as I mentioned in previous blogs, I've been eating fucking Kale for lunch for friggen months. In my head I'm thinking, short of starving myself what diet am I going on now! Wait for it..... ready? She, and by she I mean my beautiful, lovely wife Tammy tells me she wants to eat more vegetarian meals and eliminate meat! Now my initial reaction to this was:
Which quickly transitioned to this reaction:
So naturally I responded, "Vegetarian like as in vegan vegetarian? Like no meat or anything that comes from meat?" Her response was simple, it contained a one word answer that went something like this:
I asked if this was a topic that was up for discussion, she said no. I asked if this was a topic up for negotiation, she said no. Wife-1, Me 0. So here I am becoming a cow, possibly a horse, maybe even a goat.
As if the above mentioned wasn't bad enough we all have the Fitness Pal app on our phones to track our 1200 calorie a day diet. I'm sure everyone knows what that is, but for those that don't let me break it down. You have to add everything you eat and drink throughout the day. Now it doesn't seem so bad but when the app decides to tell you "your goal for fat for the day was 25% and you went over your goal by 45%" you start feeling a type of way. Like, I'm sorry who the fuck are you? I get 1200 calories and if I want to use my 1200 calories on some chocolate back it the fuck up!
So here I am back to eating salads every day for lunch, fruit and nuts for snacks. Oh and lets not forget your daily friggen intake of water that you have to log. My refrigerator is stocked with crates of lettuce and vegetables and my freezer looks like the vegan isle of any grocery store imaginable. We got veggie burgers, veggie chicken burgers, veggie hot dogs, veggie burritos, bags upon bags of vegetables, protein pasta, the list of the unimaginable goes on. Don't think for one second that my ass ain't in there in the middle of the night looking for a piece of chicken! Even the friggen milk has been replaced by Almond milk, NOW, that's where I draw the line:
Has anyone ever had coffee with almond milk? How do you do that to the poor innocent cup of pureness that is coffee? That's just mean! Last night my wife gave me coffee with almond milk and didn't tell me and after a sip this is exactly what happened:
I went and got myself coffee mate french vanilla creamer. I will gladly log that into the Fitness Pal app with pride!
Of course with the new diet regime in place guess what comes along with that? No guesses? My daughter Bianca looking at me like this when I come home from work:
Oh hellllll no! That look right there means it's time for her and I to start back up with our workout routine. So of course, the softie that I am gives in and we do a cardio workout for 15 minutes. She's all like, "yea, whoo, feel that burn, we're burning the calories!" Meanwhile I'm all over here like:
After 15 minutes of cardio, I looked like I just got out of the pool, my legs were jello and every single muscle in my body was screaming "FUCK YOU, YOU'RE 38 NOT 20, SIT DOWN AND READ A BOOK!" Needless to say, I haven't worked out since. I do however have my footstep tracker turned on, on my Fitness Pal app so I spend the majority of my time walking in circles to burn the calories, kind of like this:
What? It's cardio! Meanwhile my daughter Bianca is working out everyday and I'm like "yea girl, get it"........from the couch!
Now I'm not saying that eating healthy and staying away from meat is a bad thing, but I'm Sicilian, we have meat running through our friggen blood! How you going to deny a sicilian some meatballs, chicken cutlet and some braciole? The worst part about this whole situation is that my wife makes regular food for our 13 and 9 year old. What the hell is that about? I have to sit at dinner eating a friggen veggie hot dog, while the other two are sitting next me eating regular hot dogs and looking at me like:
Speaking of veggie hot dogs... NO! Just friggen NO! Don't do that to a hot dog. I can't even explain what eating that did to me! It completely ruined the American Dream!
I blame this all on the Kardashians. Why you ask, because in every episode they eat friggen salads. Screw you Kim, Khloe and Kourtney for only showing the salads. I know you all eat meat. You ain't fooling me! I see you! Okay my rant is over.
So today is our 5th year anniversary so I am off to celebrate one of the best days of my life!
Well it's been a hot minute since I had the chance to blog. Did ya'll miss me and my sarcastic rants? So a lot has happened since the last blog, so this one is going to be a doozy!
Let me fill you all in. So I recently left my previous law firm and went to another firm. So I've been deemed by my former co-workers as going to the "dark side". Listen, this isn't friggen Star Wars I don't work for Darth Vador so don't hate. Moving on. In between I was working retail for a little while with my son Mike which was fun, because I just got to bust his chops all day and night and had some fun with customers. I retired my blue shirt and sales tag that said "Sales Associate Unicorn" and moved on to bigger and better things. I had to fly out to Buffalo the Sunday before the 4th of July for training on that Monday. Before I fill you all in on my business trip, I'll let you know what the family did without me while I was away.
So while I was away on business Monday my wife and the kids decided to go to the beach for the first time this summer. Isn't that something special. The first summer event of 2017 and I'm in Buffalo and they're all sitting on the beach like:
While I'm sitting in a conference room watching a sexual harassment video from the 80's. As if that's not bad enough, after my training I headed back to the airport for my flight home; when my wife decides to FaceTime me while on the beach! She's so considerate, letting me know she's okay. Now during this conversation my wife informed me that it took them 2 hours to get to the beach that is literally 25 minutes from our house! Now I was trying to figure out how you can manage to get lost going to the beach in 2017 when you have multiple GPS tools to use! I mean did they just type in beach and clicked the first one that popped up and went with that one? How do you get lost anywhere NOWADAYS?! See now that's what they get for going to the beach without me!
While my wife was soaking up the sun, Alessandra and Bianca were taking on the crazy rip tides of the ocean and Anthony was playing football and volleyball. Keep in mind that I was sitting in an airport from 4:30p.m. until my flight at 7:28p.m.
Here's where it gets interesting. Since the recent events of shark sightings on the shores of the east coast, the girls had a plan. Their plan was to always make sure that some other beach-goer was always in front of them while they were in the water. If for some reason they were in the front, they backed all the way out of the ocean and followed behind someone else. You may be wondering why this was their plan. Let me enlighten you. The theory behind my girls' thinking, was that if a shark happened to come close, the person in front of them would get attacked and they would have a chance to escape.
Needless to say, they had a wonderful time and came home all tan, while my no summer color ass was still trying to get home. While sitting in the airport waiting for my flight we were advised that Air Traffic Control wasn't letting us take off. Now, that meant that my original 7:28 flight was now moved to a departure time of 9:55 p.m. Now you can imaging my face when they announced that I would be sitting in the airport for another two and a half hours, on top of the 3 hours I was already sitting there. It looked something like this:
Have no fear, because my airline had absolutely NO idea what was going on or why we weren't allowed to take off. Which then prompted them to give us free water and snacks. Isn't that sweet?! Fuck the water, how about you start bringing in a mini wet bar and start serving us alcohol so the waiting goes by a little quicker. As if the water and snacks weren't enough, they were walking around asking me if I wanted a coloring book and crayons? I'm sorry do I look fucking five years old?!
Now I'm not a big flyer. I will however fly if I have to. That being said my plane looked like a little cargo plane and the seats were extremely close together. I'm all about personal space and my arm rest is my arm rest and your arm rest is yours. I don't lean my seat back because I'm courteous of others. So when boarding time finally came and we took off, I thought about doing this:
Oh stop it, you know you all thought about that at least once when flying! I refrained and just looked out the windows and watched the tiny firework display from up above.
I had off from work on Tuesday, being it was the 4th of July, so the older kids went out down the shore to watch fireworks while Tammy, myself, and Anthony watched fireworks from our front porch. Being that I had spent all my money in Buffalo on souvenirs for the kids and my wife, my wife took out a twenty for me for gas for my first day of work. Again, this is where it gets interesting. Tammy and I are having coffee and I casually mention that I was just going to put the whole twenty worth of gas in. She looks at me like this:
So naturally I ask her what was wrong. Ready for this...? She said, "I thought we were going to split the twenty, ten for you, ten for me." I'm sorry how exactly am I suppose to split a twenty with you when I'm getting gas on my way to work? Was I suppose to rip the twenty in half, cut it in half, go get gas and then come back and give her ten? Needless to say she just started laughing. While I'm still trying to figure out how the hell you going to hand someone a twenty and them ask them to split it with you?
So lets go back to my stay in Buffalo. First time there and really honestly not much to do other than drink coffee, work and eat. So I check into my hotel and I walk in and if I didn't think I was Julia Roberts checking into the Beverly Wilshire (minus the whole hooker thing). I walked in like:
So I get to my room and the room was all fancy. Big tv, big bed, a couch, a gorgeous shower with a built in seat so you can steam or whatever. I was more impressed with the one cup coffee maker and Starbucks coffee than anything else! I facetimed my wife to show her the room and she was like:
So I made myself some coffee and went down to vape with my freshly brewed Starbucks coffee when it happened. I walked out of the hallway that leads you from the rooms to the elevator and lobby and came face to face with a robot. Yes a fucking robot was standing right in my way, telling me he was "just chilling". I'm sorry? Let me understand that I just got off the elevator twenty minutes ago and you weren't here. I come back and you're in my way telling me you're just chilling?! I stood there for about five minutes talking to a robot when I realized that I could possibly be committed to a psych ward if anyone saw me, so I went around him and went downstairs.
I was downstairs for about a half hour or so going live on Facebook because I was bored out of my mind. I get in the elevator and when the doors open to my floor, I'm standing face to face with this fucker again:
I almost fell back into the elevator. How the hell you going to creep up on someone like that? This time he wasn't telling me he was chilling, he was telling me he was trying to get to the lobby. I spent almost 45 minutes pressing the down button on the elevator just for this fool to stand and watch the doors open and close. Finally two employees came up to get him and started telling me he wasn't suppose to be up on the second floor? Hold up....! Where the fuck am I right now!? I'm watching these two employees telling the robot he was being a "little minx" and "pouting" and I'm thinking to myself:
Needless to say after that fun filled night, I stayed in my room for the rest of the night!
There ya have it folks! All caught up on the Gaydy adventures! Until next week............