Has anyone seen Meet the Fockers and Father of the Bride? If the answer is yes, then you are currently up to date on what is actually happening in this household two weeks before Bianca and Cj's wedding. Let me fill you in on what exactly has been going on! So the original wedding date was July of 2020, which we all knew wasn't happening. So Bee and CJ set a new date for March 29th, 2021. Well March certainly snuck up on us. One day we were all just enjoying quarantine and then all of sudden March was like:
Nothing like fucking March being March! Anyway, back to the story. So originally when we all thought the wedding was going to be in July, I figured as the other Mother of the Bride I should suck it up and wear a dress. I mean for our oldest son's wedding I wore a suit and looked like the grape Gilbert ate crossed with a 400 pound Joe Pesci. Not my finest fashion moment. Now if you know me, you know me wearing a dress is a BIG deal. So Me, Tam and the girls went shopping and I found one. I mean I'm not going to lie, I looked liked a little old italian lady. I legit looked like I belonged here:
I sucked it up though because it's our daughter. Now some things had transpired from the time I bought the dress, I went to my barber and had an undercut done and pierced my nose. So one day Bee came to me and said "I want to talk to you". At first I was like "oh great what did I do now?" Then she said, "I hate that dress and I want you to wear what you feel comfortable in." My initial reaction was:
Which quickly followed by:
I'm not even going to lie, I thought about burning that dress but then I was able to give it to Alessandra's Nonna, so I felt good about that. So now that I wasn't wearing a dress, the decision of a men's suit or a women's suit was the topic. I'm not telling ya'll what I'm wearing, you'll have to just wait and see but I will say when I tried on my suit I legit felt like this:
So here we are two weeks away from the big day and it is pure chaos! Every morning I wake up for work and check outside, I see this:
Bed Bath & Beyond has our address saved to their GPS! I bring the shit in and yell up "Delivery". I can't help throw in the occasional infamous movie line quote of:
Then once the boxes are opened the cats are all over here like:
Then we bring the deliveries downstairs to our once decluttered, organized basement, which now looks like Bed Bath and Beyond's inventory warehouse!
The last couple of weeks have been planning and more planning, scheduling and fine tuning details, seating charts, RSVP counts and fittings. Half the time I just sit there like:
Just tell me when I'm done paying!
Let's no forget the fact that everyone needs a new outfit for the Bridal Shower and a new outfit for the Rehearsal Dinner. Tam took care of the outfits for the Rehearsal Dinner because we all had our outfits for the shower since last year. Tam tells me she ordered me an outfit from H&M. Super sweet of her. Our outfits get delivered and here I am:
Needless to say they were returned for the correct size. I appreciate that she thought that quarantine didn't pack on a few pounds. Then the topic of conversation came up as to whether or not I was getting a mani/pedi came up. I'm not a mani/pedi gal.. considering my fingernails are extremely short and I don't like random people I don't know touching my feet. However, my wife and the girls all voted yes, so guess who's getting a pedi? That's right kiddos.... me and the excitement on my face speaks for itself:
Then for shits and giggles I tried on a pair of heels and walked around in the store, asking Bee and Tam how I was doing. The both of them were all like:
Meanwhile, I know DAMN WELL I look like this:
As if none of the above has not caused the slightest bit of stress and anxiety Anthony comes walking into our room one night after his shower and says, "Moms, there was thick black thing that looked like hair coming out of my chin, so I pulled it out". I turned around from my desk like:
DUDE! You realize its the start of a beard! You have a fucking beard growing at 13, I'll introduce to a razor instead of you plucking beard hairs out with your fingers!
I literally can't keep up with anything. I have reminders set, calendar entries set and even downloaded Google Assistant to make sure I don't miss the fucking wedding! I will tell you the EXACT reason why I have this many reminders... So February 28th was Bee's Bridal Shower and while the bridal party took care of decorating and setting everything up, the Moms were responsible for one thing... the cake. So the night before the Bridal Shower, I'm sitting in the living room and all of sudden I yelled "we forgot the fucking cake!!" I immediately text Tam who was getting a pedicure and say, "holy shit we forgot to get Bee's Bridal Shower cake", to which she responds "OMG, what are you going to do?" Oh I don't know.. run into the kitchen a whip up a fucking bridal shower cake? So here I am at 7:30p.m. the night before calling local bakeries telling them that I am horrible mother of the bride and forgot to order a cake. Finally I found a bakery that would do so THIS is why I need reminders set to every single device I own! Lord baby Jesus please pray for me these next few weeks! I wake up in the morning and stand in the bathroom mirror with my coffee and say to myself:
Two more weeks and we celebrate Mr. & Mrs. Wright!
I don't know who needs to hear this but 2021 is NOT better than 2020. In fact it's just a continuation of the fuckery that was 2020. I'm not making the same mistake I made in 2020 where I didn't keep track of all the fucked up shit that happened, I'm ahead of the game now. I'm like Alice from the LWord when she charts all the women Shane slept with. To be honest, I had high hopes for 2021, I even popped a 10 year old bottle of Dom to commemorate the end of 2020 and the start of a New Year and what happens? I'll tell you what happened... Capital Hill gets attacked by a bunch of crazy people, new strains of Covid are just popping up all over the place, some chick puts gorilla glue in her hair- gets a free surgery- becomes verified on social media ONLY to cut off all her hair after and keep it slicked back, Texas gets hit with a snow storm, Ebola outbreak in West Africa, Kim and Kanye are in marriage trouble (I mean we all saw that coming tho) and Screech from Saved by the Bell dies!! It's only fucking February! I don't know about ya'll but I'm done and I want to get off this ride.
As if all of the above isn't crazy enough, my wife was scrolling through TikTok and saw that someone had a sloth as a pet. You're all probably wondering why that sounds like it's a bad thing, I'll direct your attention to the 7 cats and 2 dogs that we have. So here we are sitting on the couch and she says "aww babe look, you can have a sloth as a pet! Ale would love that, she loves sloths!" Which then prompts me to look at her like this:
She goes on to tell me that it would be so cute for Ale to have a pet sloth, but was concerned about how difficult it might be to find a Sloth Vet. Then she started researching if regular vets take care of Sloths or if you have to take a Sloth to a special Vet. I'm sitting on the couch like it doesn't matter because we're not getting a fucking SLOTH! I really think the whole quarantining away from people is making us all a little whacked in the mind. I mean I wasn't exactly playing with a full deck before COVID so I didn't have much to lose to begin with. For example, when COVID shut everything down, I couldn't find work because all the law firms were laying people off so I decided to go into construction, I mean how hard could it have been, I landscaped our whole front and back yard. So here I am fully embracing the lesbian that I am, working in construction. Coming home all dirty, smelly and covered in paint, saw dust, spackle, grout and mud, with my workbooks and cargo shorts. I really played the part well, until one day we were installing cabinets in a house on Raccoon Island in Hopatcong. Now, let me explain the situation.. the only way to this house is by boat, so everything from the truck that you're going to need including the cabinets need to be loaded onto this little ass boat and brought over. It's friggen 7:30 in the morning, I've been up since 5am and here I am loading cabinets into a boat when my boot catches the corner of the dock and I end up in the fucking lake. My boss grabs me by the hood of my jacket and is trying to pull me up but instead is choking me out and the bosses wife is standing there with a camera in her hand saying, "save the cabinet!" Meanwhile here I am in the lake holding up a cabinet with my boobs while my boss is choking me. There is no doubt in my mind that, that whole situation didn't go something like this:
Only I saved the cabinet! When we got across the lake to the house we were working on, I sent Tammy a text saying, "I just fell in the fucking lake with a cabinet!" Which prompted a test response of laughing emojis followed by, "are you okay?" Yep, all good, just go about your day laughing about how I fell in a fucking lake with a cabinet. I'm freezing because I'm soaking wet and here's my wife at home with coffee and all cuddled in comfy warm clothes:
So because I'm compromised with one full working lung, I had to look for remote paralegal jobs, which I was lucky enough to find not only one but two. So I work for one firm during the day and one firm at night, 6 days a week. So we converted our bedroom into our bedroom/my home office. I like working remote because I don't have pretend to like anyone I work with because I don't see anyone except for a weekly zoom call. Not to mention I don't have to get dressed up for work, which is a huge plus for me! I wake up in the morning, get my coffee and then decide... pjs all day or joggers and a t-shirt? There's no struggle in picking out an outfit for the day! I like working remotely, I don't think I could ever go back into an office setting again. That being said, working remote does have its challenges, mainly a 13 year old who plays xbox and has absolutely NO INSIDE voice whatsoever. Then of course there's those times where I'm on a zoom a call and Tammy or the kids will go to come in the room and notice and then it's like:
I even bought one of those white sound machines that therapist offices have for the bedroom to silence the loud mouths of all our children while I'm working. I mean I get it, I can't expect complete silence for the entire 14 hours that I work. Which brings me to the next bitching session.. why the hell are kids so loud? I don't get it... if you're sitting around the kitchen table is it completely necessary to talk like your in a stadium full of people? I think Tam and I gave up on watching tv in the living room because you Anthony who's yelling at his friends for not doing something in the game he's playing on xbox; you got Ale yelling to Bee and Carlton from her room to theirs and them answering back from their room to hers. Here's an idea, how about you all pick a room and hang out in it and talk that way?? Meanwhile I feel like putting subtitles on our tv just so I don't have to put the volume up to 65 to drown out the noise. Then they all come downstairs every night at the exact same time and hang out in the kitchen at that point it's like turn the tv off or pause the show because we ain't hearing SHIT now! Every night in our house at the same time it's like:
On a side-note Punxsutawney Phil saw his fucking shadow, there's a shocker. I mean hasn't this son-of-a-bitch seen his shadow for the past three years? I think it's time he retires and we get a new one or how about we just do away with the whole groundhog seeing his shadow means 6 more weeks of winter. I mean haven't we all been through enough shit this past year??? Do we really need 6 more weeks of a wintery hell??? I mean when Punxsutawney saw his shadow he really said every body is getting a winter!! Poor Texas, they don't know what to do in snow, they don't even sell snow blowers in Texas (I don't know this for a fact, I'm just assuming). Texans probably thought the world was coming to a damn end when it started snowing heavy. Texans are all standing around looking at each other like:
Meanwhile over here on the East Coast, we've already had three friggen storms and have no where to put the damn snow that wants to keep coming. It's like God, Mother Nature and Old Man Winter all got together and are playing rock, paper, scissors on what and who gets to throw shit at us next. Other countries are sitting around their televisions watching the United States' new reality show. Please don't make me elaborate on that last sentence!
Every one on social media is talking about how COVID makes you realize how important time with your family is and how before COVID we all took it for granted. I am here to officially say that while time with your family is important, this is a BIT FUCKING MUCH NOW! It's like we all got put in timeout to realize what's really important.... we get it, we understand, can we please, please, please for the love of my sanity go back to normal now! I love my wife, I love my kids but they're all I see, all day, all night. I have officially ran out of places to friggen hide! I'll go out to the kitchen and get some water and I hear footsteps and I'm all like:
When you're stuck in the house with the family for so long you really start to notice things. I never noticed how much our kids ate until this damn quarantine. Breakfast, Snack, Lunch, Snack, Dinner, Snack, Late night Snack. Like DAMN! How many times you kids need to eat in a day, ya'll are grown!!!!! None of you are going through a damn growth spurt! Then they're all like, "oh we don't have any more bagels? We're out of milk? We don't have any snacks?" No, yes and no because all you kids do is eat! I'm starting to resort to hiding food in our room just so I can have a snack, who am I kidding, we've been doing that! Sometimes I walk out into the kitchen and I swear all I see is arms flying like:
These kids out number Tam and I. As soon as this shit is over Tam and I are going on vacation from our kids! I'm gonna need a third job just to pay for groceries!
Well I'm done ranting for the night!
Stay tuned for a Gaydy Bunch Family wedding next month!
Make sure you're all following us on TikTok @KrisandTammy!
I do NOT, for one second, want to hear how I have neglected to keep you all informed on how the Gaydy Bunch has been fairing with this pandemic. Some of us are NOT okay, and by some of us I mean me. I am not okay! I have had every intention of blogging the past couple of months, but its 2020... I mean how exciting has this year been for everyone? I mean did you all really want to hear about our hunt for toilet paper and how many bottles of wine we drank in a week? Trust me when I say there was a lot of this happening:
This was also happening on a daily:
Okay I'm not going to waste time telling you all about what happen the last couple of months because I pretty much summed it up above and to be honest, I can't remember what the hell happen. We finally got around to finishing house renovations and furniture delivery! That was a the highlight of quarantine. The best part was that we are all so use to not having furniture that when we finally got it, none of the kids came down to the living room! I decided that quarantine was the best time to turn into a landscaper and landscape our entire front and back yard. I mean what else was I suppose to do, I couldn't find work, so I played in dirt and planted flowers all day. Every day I was outside like:
After I planted 2198401284 flowers and plants, I decided to get solar lights. See this is where I have a problem with Quarantine... I spent an obscene amount of money on solar lights. I had the whole back yard lit up, don't ask me for what reason because no one sat outside because of the mosquitos. So there I would stand in the kitchen window at night admiring the solar lights. I mean the family did sit outside only after Tam ordered a screened in gazebo for our deck. It was like our own little private resort. We even ordered one of the Intex Pools. I was like the groundskeeper of the Gaydy House! These damn kids all talked about how they wished we had a pool, "I wish we had a pool", "If we had a pool, I'd be in it all the time". Guess what? We get a damn pool and I think they went in it a total of 5 times.
Next year they can all stand outside in the rain to cool off or spray each other with the hose.
In any event, the yard looks a hell of a lot better now, so thank you COVID and Quarantine for that! Can I just mention how 2020 feels like it has lasted for 10 years! Formal, I feel like we did this whole season thing already and we're right back to where we started out! Quarantine will straight fuck your mind up! For example, the last few months I thought I was turning 43, then on my birthday the calendar said "Kris' 42nd Birthday"... I was like:
Quarantine messing with Tam's mind too. She was on TikTok and saw that someone had a pet sloth. She looked at me and said, "Kris look we can get a pet sloth!" I looked at her and said
Like we don't have enough animals in this damn house and YES I'm including the kids in that, that you want a damn sloth! With a straight face she looks at me and goes, "we'd have to find a vet that cares for sloths!" Um, no we don't because we aren't getting a sloth. We're lucky if we can get Anthony to clean his damn room and wear a damn mask and you want a sloth up in this house?! I know she's lying! Speaking of animals, the dogs are so friggen needy, I can't take it! They follow us around the house, sit all up on us, like damn bitches.... don't you get tired of seeing us!? See now, the cats are different, they're all scattered around the house hiding from us, waiting for us all to go back to normal. I'm like the cats. I'm sure you're all wondering why I said that, if you're not, I don't care, I'm telling you all anyway. So I started working from home and work three jobs, so I made an office in our bedroom and I don't come out until 8pm. See what I did there?!
So I'm going to try and blog once every two weeks now that things are settling down. In the meantime, check out our lives on Instagram and follow us on TikTok @thegaydymoms for some pretty funny shit between Tam and I.
Hello world! Hope everyone is practicing social distancing and staying safe out there! We all have hunkered down and the Moms have lock downed the Gaydy House! I should have known something was coming, considering January felt like an entire year, February was like 3 days and now March is shaping up to be like 3 years. Now look at us! I don't know what friggen day it is or what month we're in. Lately, it's been like this every morning I wake up:
So if you all recall from our last blog, we were getting ready to do some minor remodeling inside. Nothing crazy, some fresh painting in the living room, hallway and kitchen. Some new appliances and new couches. I'm sure you're all wondering how it's going since the remodeling started and the hit of the Coronavirus. I'll tell you how it's going....it's on hold. We have no couches in our living room and haven't for a month or so. Which means everyone is confined to their rooms because the only other place we have somewhere to sit is in the kitchen. I don't think I've every seen everyone so excited to come to dinner. Lately, dinner has been looking like this:
The way it's looking, we should get the carpet, furniture, new refrigerator and floor by early September. Sometimes I find myself in our living room like this:
So how is everyone holding up? More importantly how are the parents that had to become homeschool teachers holding up? I for one can say that on average I've sent our son to the principal once a day and he's bordering suspension! This is very traumatic for me, as I hated school. The mere fact that I now have to "teach" I feel like teachers not only need like a six figure salary but they should get hazard pay as well. This is some real shit. I'm getting assignment emails from teachers at like 11:30 at night for the next day. The sound for our son's email goes off and it triggers this response:
I don't understand... I can't even keep up with my own personal emails and now I have to keep track of our son's school emails. I am not responsible enough for this job! I openly and unapologetically admit that I'm completely unqualified and irresponsible to be in charge of our younger son's schooling! I may very well end up going off the curriculum and teach this kid some life lessons. We'll start simple, making your bed or putting your clothes in the hamper as opposed to scattered all over the floor.
School starts at 9am, by 10:30am this kid tries to tell me he's done all his assignments in all 4 of his classes? I may be completely unqualified for this new found position, however I wasn't born yesterday! Now I will admit that each teacher sends two assignments, one for the day and one for the following day. My suggestion was to get it all done so the next day when the next 4 assignments come in you're not overloaded. Smart, right? Well of course this leads to a twenty minute debate about how it's not "technically" due, which ultimately leads to Anthony looking like this:
Meanwhile, I'm over here like this:
It's a miracle teachers aren't alcoholics, dealing with 12 year old boys with attitudes all day! I actually have 3 bottles of red wine in my closet, which is usually where I go to hide come 2p.m.
Before this whole thing became a pandemic, my wife and I ran out to stock up on some things...and NO we are not the ones hoarding things. For example, we have 7 people in this house, that's a lot of asses to wipe, which means the need for toilet paper. Well, that was a fun adventure!! We went to 6 stores looking for toilet paper and couldn't find a single roll. Eventually we found some at a CVS and I was walking out like a hero looking like:
Don't worry I left some for other people! Then the hunt began for lysol, bleach, hand sanitizer and hand soap. Now we are not the ones that have just begun washing their hands when the Corona hit, We always wash our hands but again 7 people in a house requires a lot of items on hand. We bought whatever we could find, which was no easy task. At some point I felt like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible just trying to find some of the things. By the end of our adventure, which by the way took hours and multiple stores, I looked like this:
My wife and I both carry a can of lysol in our bags and we are NOT afraid to use it! In fact, we both bought bigger bags just to be prepared in case we had to go out. So IF we have to go out, we're prepared like this:
For example, my wife goes full on Hazmat at the ATM.... gloves and sunglasses and proceeds to spray the whole ATM and whatever cars are lined up behind us. It's not just ATMs. We've opted for shopping online and having groceries delivered because let's face it, me in a crowded store and I hear someone cough near me, I'm throat punching them. In any event, when packages arrive, my wife goes outside on the porch with lysol and proceeds to spray them down like this:
Then she comes inside and proceeds to do this:
Forget about coming! You come in and you're getting this:
We do not play! With all these damn White House briefings and Corona updates, I'm seriously thinking of resorting to this:
I guess the one good thing coming out of the White House briefings is that we have now officially learned about "the hands" and that Idaho, Nebraska and Iowa are countries! Who the fuck knew!!!
I decided to revamp the website a little bit, mostly because I noticed that our kids have grown and no one looks the same anymore. I put some new photos in with the old photos, so you're just going to have to watch the whole damn slideshow to see the new ones. I'm not going to start off saying "Well, it's been a while since the last blog", because I know it has and by now you all should know it too. I will, however say, HAPPY 2020 everyone! A new decade is here! Is it me or has January felt like a decade in itself? In any event, I won't bore you with the extent of our celebrating the New Year, but for you nosy people, it involved wearing Pj's, the couch, watching the ball drop and then immediately going to bed right after. We are what some might call "Lit"!
The first day of the New Year started out pretty much the same way as every morning of the last decade. We got up and had coffee. Here's where it's going to get interesting. While Tam and I are sitting on the couch having coffee, we see Carlton come down and say, "be right back, just running out". Shortly after Carlton leaves, we see Mike and his girlfriend leave saying, "hey be right back, just running out". Nothing too strange about that, right? Just wait! Carlton comes home with a bag containing 4 bagels from bagel shop. Mike comes home holding a tray with four Starbucks coffees. At this point I look at Tam and do this:
Now I know I'm not very good at math, but I know the basics and I know four plus two equals six. Six people in said house at the time of this selfish act, four coffees and four bagels, which means Carlton was two bagels short and Mike was two coffees short! It appears that the kids had decided that it would be nice if they had themselves a nice little New Year's Day breakfast and EXCLUDE THEIR MOMS. The moms that brought them into this world, raised them, clothed them, continuously feed them and keep a roof over their heads while not paying any rent whatsoever. No really, don't worry about us! You sit there in your selfishness while you sip your Starbucks and eat your egg and cheese on a bagel, we're fine with our Folgers. Of course, I had to make it known that the three weeks leading up to Christmas we ordered food for them because we were so busy with shopping and wrapping all the Christmas presents we had bought them. Then, I added a friendly reminder of all the Christmas gifts they got as well, by itemizing their gifts!! They quickly tried to back pedal by saying, "You guys don't usually eat breakfast?" That's when I gave Tammy this look:
Tammy looked at me like:
Please explain to me what us not usually eating breakfast has ANYTHING to do with asking if we wanted something!? We may not eat breakfast but we certainly drink coffee. In any event, I went on a sarcastic, chop busting rampage for a few hours, I also informed them that if we totaled up all the take out and their Christmas presents, then each owe us $2, 562.72. My rampage must have worked because later that night they went out and came back with coffee for us. Moms 1- Kids 0!
On a brighter note, our Christmas tree survived and will make it to see another Christmas, I can't say the same for the Minnie Mouse outside decoration though. Here's why....the morning I decided to instruct the boys to take down the decorations, I walked outside and saw Minnie's head hanging off, an ear was in the middle of the lawn and one of her legs on the ground. That fucking decoration had been a pain in the ass the whole time it was up. Her head was always hanging off her neck. Every time the wind was strong, Minnie was just like "fuck this shit, I'm laying down" despite how many spikes I had put in. Actually, I'm still finding spikes in the lawn. This year I was in complete awe when it came time to take the inside and outside decoration down. I didn't have to bribe a single kid, they were so eager to take everything down. See now normal parents would be like, "wow that's so sweet, they're so helpful", then there's me! When the boys had all the decorations outside down, they moved to the inside and at that point I sat there looking like:
I know kids... they don't do anything unless there is something in it for themselves. That being said, I figured out why they were in such a hurry to take everything down. It had nothing to do with anything other than putting up the brand new cat tree that had been sitting in the box before Christmas. I'm not sure what the excitement was over putting up the new cat tree, but it motivated them to get all the Christmas decorations down and put away in an hour. Naturally as soon as we (and by we, I mean the kids) get all the decorations down, my lovely wife started with the whole "oh we have to decorate for Valentine's Day"! Now this comment from my wife immediately prompts this reaction from me:
What could you possibly do to decorate for Valentine's Day? Seriously, let's think about this together. My wife suggested a red heart wreath on the front door. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Are we suppose to hang those babies with adult faces, wearing diapers shooting arrows from the ceiling? Why is this even something we decorate for? Christmas and Thanksgiving are more like seasonal holidays so you can get away with decorating and leaving the shit up for a while. Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day... you just can't do it. I know I'm right about this. I will most likely lose this argument, as I do most arguments but I really don't see the point in decorating for ONE day.
By now, you all should know that there is never a dull moment in this house, a new decade doesn't mean shit. I think I had mentioned a while back in one of the blogs that the girls bathroom had flooded and our hallway ceiling light filled up like a fish bowl. If not, then you have now been informed. In any event, I was doing something when my wife informed that the hallway ceiling was leaking again. She wasn't wrong, however it didn't appear to be a bad one. I call our plumber and he comes over and cuts out the section AGAIN. He tells us that the caulking in the shower is bad and that's where the water is coming from. Not sure that sounds right but okay. Long story short he caulks the shower and tells us we should be good to go in 24 hours. Well, 24 hours come and someone took a shower. Now I'm playing Xbox and I hear what appears to be a downpour of rain in the hallway. I think it's something in the game I'm playing until I kept hearing it. I went out into the hallway only to see this:
I may be slightly exaggerating with the above Gif, but we definitely had enough water where I had to put a bucket. I call our plumber and proceed to inform him that the caulking wasn't the problem. Long story short, 3 plumbers from the same company, three different answers and the end result is the girls shower is off limits until we get it replaced. Now, for all my OCD people out there, you will be the most sympathetic to this situation as I NOW have to share our shower with 3 other children. This may not be too big of a deal to others but understand that we have a 16 year old girl and a 23 year old girl that legit have 2 bottles for their face wash, 2 different body washes, 3 different types of shampoo...EACH! Why? Just why? I don't understand why you need that many showering toiletries, you are ONE friggen person. We can't forget their razors and loofas. Then we have our son-in-law that likes to change the stream on the shower head so it feels like razor blades are being pelted at you at 85 miles per hour and forgets to change it back, so when I get in the shower, it looks like this:
So now that we have to have the upstairs shower redone, we decided to do a little remodeling in the kitchen and living room. I've been dragged to every Lowe's, Home Depot and furniture store in a 20 mile radius of where we live. However, I have come to learn very quickly...."happy wife, happy life." So whenever the wife shows me a color she likes, or a couch she likes or a countertop she likes, this is generally my response:
Now this is generally my response, because when I give my opinion on interior design, my wife looks at me like this:
Clearly, which is why I just agree with whatever the boss says.
Totally off topic but what the hell are stink bugs and why can't they be killed off? It's like a prehistoric insect that has robotic insides. The reason why I bring this up is because it's the dead of winter and these little fuckers are still around and like our daughters' rooms, which means I'm the one that has to go and find them, collect them and put them outside. I don't know why I have been designated as the Stinkbug Exterminator but I'm not a fan of bugs. Which brings me to the other day when I was coming home from picking up our daughter from work when my wife texts me and says "there's a stinkbug in Anthony's room and you have to get it!" Now she couldn't see my expression but it looked something like this:
So I get home and go into Anthony's room like this:
Not just because of the lurking sting bug, not just because of it being Anthony's room, but because my wife decided that she would try to kill it with drowning it in Raid bug spray. You all know what Raid smells like right? Imagine a closed room and walking into it. It's like this:
Needless to say the Raid didn't do anything but make my eyes water and my lungs constrict for oxygen!
Speaking of lungs... I had my lung capacity test done since the pulmonary embolism had dissolved. I have to say, blowing into a machine is not fun. The test was 4 parts and lasted about 30 minutes. You have to inhale for a count of 10 and exhale for a count of 10, then I had to blow really hard and inhale really quick. Nice way to get lightheaded and almost pass out, in case anyone is into that! In any event I was allowed to take breaks in between and I happened to look over at my wife and she was sitting in the chair like this:
After the test, I asked my wife why she was recording me and her response was simple...."I wanted to show you how red in the face you were getting!"
How sweet was that? As if I couldn't tell I was getting red in the face by the coughing attacks I would have after every part of the test! I'm sure you are all wondering what has been going on with my health...if you haven't been then...
Not to mention:
In any event.... I have been back and forth to different doctors and no one can seem to figure out what exactly is going on with my heart. It's been very frustrating until I had a brilliant idea a few days ago. I'm going to find Dr. House. Why you ask? Well it's simple, no matter how complicated the medical case is, this dude has that shit figured out, medications prescribed and treatment ordered all in fifty-nine minutes! Besides, who doesn't want a doctor that rides a motorcycle, wears, jeans and pops Vicodin and does this while he's treating you:
At this point, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so Dr. House please hit me up asap!
Ahhh the Eve before a new decade! What a better way to end a decade than with a blog. Just so you all know, ten years ago I decided to start a blog about the craziness of a blended family and raising 5 kids of all different ages. Here we are 10 years later still blogging and definitely still a lot of craziness! I never expected the following we have on the blog and on our social media pages, so thank you to all of you who have been with us since the beginning and welcome to the new ones... buckle in, it's always a bumpy ride... kinda like this:
So we managed to make it through another Christmas with the bunch, which from previous blogs you all know is no easy task! I'll take you back to the end of November. For all that read the last blog, yes I ended up putting the Christmas decorations up right after Thanksgiving, as my wife had insisted. I don't know why I bother fighting her on this, she always wins and then she looks at me like:
To make my losing my point on waiting even worse, she picked out new outside decorations to add to our collection. Not just any decorations, oh no! She picked out Minnie and Mickey because what's Christmas, or any day for that matter, without Disney. So there I was in the dark, rainy, cold weather with my cell phone flashlight putting up a Minnie, Mickey, three Disney strobe lights, along with the other outside decorations the weekend after Thanksgiving. Decorating outside is not for the weary... especially when you have absolutely no outside outlets. Let's just say there are about 7 extension cords all over the yard, so if you had to walk on our lawn, I suggest walking like this:
Minnie Mouse just doesn't want to stay standing up. I love how Disney will charge you $89.95 for a 2 foot decoration and give you two stakes to use to keep the bitch in the ground. Come on Disney... two stakes? Every morning I'd wake up and see Minnie face down that I finally went out and bought a pack of 20 stakes. I think at this point I have 15 stakes in her. I see you Disney... you can do better! So when we were shopping for outside decorations, my wife saw a new pre-lit Christmas tree she wanted, since our pre-lit became unlit because of the asshole cats. This tree was seven and a half feet tall and covered in that fake white snow shit. She fell in love with the tree. I was looking at the tree thinking "well shit, this tree is certainly going to mess with my OCD!" Then I started thinking, "well if the cats go in the tree, I'll be able to find the culprit because they will be covered in fake white snow!" SOLD.. I couldn't wait to put that bad boy up!
When we came home with it, I showed it to all the cats and spoke to each one of them and said, "go ahead fuckers.... try me this year, I'll know it's you... you'll be forever marked with fake snow to show your sneaky selves! My wife looked at me like this:
I mean that's usually her normal reaction to me whenever I do or say something, so no shocker there! So I decided to put the tree up while her and the girls went out to pick up some things. I opened the box and the first thing I said was, "where the fuck is all the snow like it shows on the picture?" Instead of fake snow, it had glitter on it. Yes I know every gay person's dream, but not mine! Half the glitter ended up in a dust pan than on the actual tree! When the cats saw the tree up minus the white snow, they all sat around looking at me like this:
I know they were totally judging me... assholes! So the first night the tree is up and we're in bed and I hear cats being cats and I get up and go check the tree and low and behold three of them were in the tree! So from that point on we douse the tree in straight lemon juice and banned one of the cats from staying downstairs at night! This tree just might make it another year!
Remember how I said that Tammy takes Christmas lists very seriously? Yea well that shit went out the window this year! She resorted to the good old fashion hand written lists this year. Which I suppose is fine if you don't have 7 children to shop for, so that didn't last very long either! At one point I think she did this:
We attempted to shop in malls I think twice and at the end of those two trips, we both looked like this when we got home:
Strangely, the malls and stores weren't crowded like we've been use to so we got hip and started online shopping. I'm not sure what's worse... I haven't decided yet. See when you go out to the stores, you just have a bunch of bags every where, but when you online shot, now you have a bunch of boxes every where. The UPS guy would come every day, we were all on first name basis, the kids now call him Uncle. I remember one day he came and said, "well I have 17 packages for you today!" This was the norm all the way up to Christmas Eve! Some days were 10, some were 11, some were 17, some were 2. Eventually every room looked like this:
It felt like we were constantly doing this:
Naturally the cats were all like:
I actually feel bad for our recycling guy. Like I want to hug him when I see him and apologize.
So naturally with all the boxes coming we had to go through all of them, check off what came, see what still hadn't arrived and flagging and unflagging emails. Tammy did have a brilliant idea of wrapping every night after a delivery so that we (and by we I mean her) weren't wrapping last minute like every year. After wrapping we'd bring them downstairs and put them in piles for each kid and then count and make sure all the kids were even with the amount of gifts. It was a vicious, vicious cycle. I don't think I have ever counted so much and so many times in my entire life than I did the last couple of weeks before Christmas.
I had actually finished shopping for Tammy the first time we went to the mall! I had my A Game on. I was super excited that I finished shopping for her all by myself without any help from our daughters. Then as we were opening packages, I would look at something and be like "who's this for baby?" That's when Tammy would say, "oh that's for me from you and I ordered 4 more things!" I'd just stare at her and be like:
I'm totally joking about the reaction...! Basically she had more presents for me, so I said make it even and she shopped for herself because lets face it, I was playing Xbox and was over shopping.
Christmas Eve and morning was amazing and the kids were happy with all their presents. Now, it wouldn't be a true Gaydy Christmas if some unexpected shit happened, right? Well here it comes... Christmas night everyone started feeling like shit and long story short, the whole house gothic with the flu! It started with Bianca, then Michael, then Tammy and I, then our oldest son and daughter-in-law and wrapping it up was Carlton! The day after Christmas Tammy and I were knocked out with fevers basically like this:
At one point, our daughter Bianca had come in our room to check on us because it was 5pm and we were still sleeping. We woke up to, "meow hey, are you guys dead!" Nope, not yet, but it certainly felt like we were. You'll all be happy to know that we all survived, not only Christmas but the flu! On that note, The Gaydy Bunch wishes everyone a happy, healthy and blessed 2020!
Happy Thursday everyone! Yes I'm still here... I know from the outpouring of comments from my last blog that you all were so concerned with my health.
Just kidding... ya'll didn't care one bit...NOT ONE BIT.... selfishness! Well then, let's jump right into things shall we? Lots have been going on, as usual. It wouldn't be the norm around here if every day wasn't filled with endless amounts of chaos. So since the last blog, school has started. Alessandra is now a Junior and starting to show interest in colleges. Anthony is now in middle school... Lord help us! It's really bad when both come home and we ask Alessandra what she has for homework and she tells us and we're like "okay kiddo"; then we ask Anthony and he tells us and we look at him like:
That's when I pull up the email from his teachers and open his Google classroom and point out all the assignments he failed to mention to us! Then we get the blank stare like we're the ones that have three heads and speaking in tongues like:
See now, this boy isn't use to me being home so when he gets home from school he walks in and give my wife a hug and looks at me and gives me this:
I don't know what happened to this child over the summer. Last year he got up on his own in the morning, made his bed, got dressed, made breakfast and was ready to go to school before my alarm even went off. Now I gotta tell him a thousand times to get ready. At one point I straight up asked if he was smoking weed. Boy walking around looking like he high as fuck! He looked at me and said, "what's that?" Meanwhile, my wife is standing next to me giving me this look:
What?! It's a legitimate question! In a matter of three months all the damn brain cells our boy had, some how just escaped his damn head.
I went up to his parent teacher conferences and met with his case manager and she's all like "Well we let our 6th grades settle in up until November!" November??? What in the hell? Hell no, he needed to be settled in now. This boy has been walking around winning votes for Prom King in a school where they don't even have Prom! Talking about how he has a bet with his friend how many scrunchies he can get from girls? Oh so you a pimp now? You ain't gonna get no scrunchies if you keep going to school smelling the way you smell. Get the hell out of here Pimp Master No Flex.
What is it with middle school boys now-a-days anyway? All of them have the same damn haircut, where the same damn style of clothes and none of them seem to want to get wet. We aren't even gonna talk about the toothbrush that's hard as hell with an almost full tube of toothpaste going on 3 months now and they try and tell you, "yea I brushed my teeth!" With what? You're damn finger and some water? Ya'll nasty, just nasty! This boy tryin' to see what he can get away with. I tell him to get his ass in the shower and he turns the water on and sits on the floor watching videos. You wanna know how I know? I know because I roll up to the bathroom door like this:
There he is fully clothed, wasting my damn water while he sitting on the floor on his phone! Nope, I ain't playing! Better get yo dirty ass in the shower and I better hear the water bouncing off of you and hitting the damn shower floor like it's suppose to sound and when you done I better hear you gagging from brushing your teeth and tongue with a toothbrush!
Lord have mercy this child is pushing the Christian right on out of me too. One night he was all mad because he tried to tell me he didn't now how to do the last two problems on his math homework. IT WAS ADDITION! Boy don't you try to think we're stupid. Then he starts with the "I don't want to talk about it anymore"
Oh excuse me.... last time I checked, you ain't have no job, no money, living here for free, eating all my food and you gonna tell me you don't want to talk about it anymore?? We're gonna talk about it all night if I want to. Then he has the nerve to come out of his room with a list a mile long for Christmas. See now that's when I tell him well guess what Santa ain't real no more, you're ass is grown. You keep acting like this and we ain't buying you shit, take your list with you!
Speaking of Christmas, in the beginning of November, my wife started pointing out how houses were starting to decorate. We haven't even come close to Thanksgiving and she's collecting lists from the kids and talking about let's decorate for Christmas. If I learned one thing from my near death experience, it is never argue with my wife and do exactly as she says. I did however work out a compromise with her. I agreed to help put up the inside decorations and the boys can do the outside decorations after Thanksgiving. The other night my wife looked at me and said, "I don't think you're excited about Christmas?" I just looked at her like:
How the hell am I suppose to be excited for Christmas when Thanksgiving isn't even here yet?? Then she proceeded to tell me there are 30 plus days left until Christmas. Okay again, how am I suppose already. be excited about something that is a little more than a month away? See there's no right answer to this people! I got one kid playing Christmas music already, I got another kid just knocking out his shopping, while all the other kids are just sending their lists through text and I'm sitting here like can we give some Thanks first, like as in Thanksgiving!
Then people wanna sit there and be like, "oooh how time flies!" No, no, no, time does not fly it's rushed by all you people skipping from Labor Day straight to Christmas!
My wife takes Christmas shopping extremely serious! She creates a Pinterest board and invites all the kids to just pin whatever they want, then she transfers the pins to a handwritten list on paper and then transfers the handwritten list to an app on her phone broken down by kid. I just got tired typing all that out! When she starts the Pinterest board, you see all the kids like this:
I'm done talking about Christmas until after Thanksgiving! So Bianca decided that since the winter was coming that she was going to make homemade cat shelters for the cats that were homeless. That's nice right? What's not nice is the fact that the shelters are in our backyard. As if we don't have enough damn animals inside the house we now have an array of animals in our backyard. I'm about to claim house as an animal sanctuary and start charging admission to the petting zoo we now have in our backyard! The other morning I got up to have coffee and one of Santa's damn reindeer was in the back yard eating the cat food she had put next to the shelters. Our back yard looks like the waiting grounds for Noah's Ark! Here I am all zen pouring coffee when I see this big ass Buck standing in the window looking at me like I interrupted his morning! I did what any normal person would do in this situation, yelled.....
Speaking of backyards... Friday nights our oldest son and daughter-in-law come over and the all the kids hang out. On on particular Friday night the boys decided to make a fire in the fire pit. Anthony went out with them too. This boy comes walking in and says, "Mom I'm just gonna grab a wine cooler!" I'm sorry did you loose your damn mind on our way back to the house from the fire pit? I'll give you a wine cooler to put on you're eye when I bust you in it! Get the hell out of here!
In any event, I was watching the boys carry Mike's wood slats from his bed out to the fire pit. Whatever happened to looking for tree branches?? We went from girls burning bras to boys burning beds! That damn fire looked like St. Elmo's!
The older boys decided to stay by the fire and have a few beers. Tam and I were heading to bed and we said make sure you don't burn the house down and clean up after yourselves. The next morning we wake up, sit down and have some coffee when a blinding light came from the fire pit and hit me right in the eye. I'm sitting at the table like:
After my sight recovered we noticed that the sun was hitting beer cans and bottles that the boys had thrown into the fire pit. Now.... you all know what's coming out of my mouth! How you gonna try and burn cans and bottles? That is not cleaning up after yourselves, that's thinking that we ain't gonna notice the blinding light coming from the fire pit! I love how these kids think they can get over on us, like we haven't done all this shit before... hell we invented this shit they try to get away with!
We decided to greet our son with a recycling can. He was like "what did you walk out there to check?" Hell no we ain't walking all the way out by the fire pit, the Sun was kind enough to show us your foolishness!
Moms 1- Kids 0
So I just revamped some stuff on our website and then after went to take a look at the last blog. I also happened to notice that the last time I blogged was June 30th and how I said I was going to be better at blogging more. I believe I even stated that the next blog would be two weeks from the last blog. Clearly that didn't work out as I had planned, just like most of my life, but I have a really, really, really good excuse. I'm serious, once I tell you all why I haven't blogged, you're faces are going to be like:
Get comfy, get some coffee or tea and some popcorn and get ready for story time.
I'm going to be very date specific with you all that way you can't say that my excuse isn't good enough! So two weeks after my last blog, July 8, 2019, I started having a dry cough and was running a fever. I'm not a fan of doctors so I figured that a few days of rest would do the trick. On Friday, July 12, 2019 my fever was gone and I went to work. By lunch time I just didn't feel good. I had a pain in my right side every time I breathed in and the cough had come back. At first I thought it was the Keto Flu, because YES, Mama Tammy and Mamma Kris had become Keto Kris and Keto Tammy along with Keto Beto (our daughter Bianca).
I called my wife and told her that I thought I should go to the medi-merge. It's never just THAT simple. Everyone that has a wife knows, that you can't just call and say, "Hi hunny, listen I think I should go to the medi-merge" after being sick for a whole week. It just doesn't work that way. I had to hear a 10 minute lecture on why I should have went on July 8th. So I get home and she takes me to the medi-merge. At this point the pain has doubled and my breathing was a little more labored that they took me in the back for an x-ray. The woman that was doing my x-ray kept cutting off the top of my lungs so I had to keep holding my breath even though I was in pain. So every time she said "ohhhhh shoot, sorry hunny, we're going to have to do it again" I looked like this:
At one point I think I even asked how long she had been doing this job. Every time she said, "deep breath in and hold sweetie" I wanted to throw punches. This is why I'm not a fan of doctors, you tell them something and they cling to it. So they asked if I ever had asthma. I tell the doctor that I had sports induced asthma when I was 16-17 years old. What happened after I told them that? They brought in a nebulizer treatment and said that I could be having an asthma attack.
I'm sorry what? No I don't have asthma, never had asthma, had SPORT-INDUCED as in induced by a sporting activity, which I can wholeheartedly swear did not take place prior to my arriving here! This is why I don't go to doctors! In any event, there I am sitting with a mask on breathing in asthma medication. The doctor finally comes in and tells me that my x-ray came back showing I had pneumonia. Who the hell gets pneumonia in July?? Me, apparently I do. I mean is pneumonia even around in the summer? So 7 days of antibiotics. This is where it starts getting good.
So the rest of weekend I spent in quarantine away from the family, in bed. The doctor told my wife I was contagious and we were leaving for vacation in two weeks so she didn't want anyone else to get sick before we left! Now during these two days I noticed that the kids were hanging out in the living room a lot more than normal with Tammy and laughing and talking. This made me think back to all the times I wasn't quarantined and how the kids would all leave and go to their rooms after dinner. I mean all the kids were still chewing when they got up to leave.
Could it be? Could it be that my family enjoyed me not being present? I sat there and thought, is this really happening?
So I texted my wife from the bedroom and said, "why are the kids hanging out with you? They never hang out this long when I'm out there." My wife texts back with some bullshit like, "of course they do babe, don't be silly!" No, no they don't. I'm on antibiotics not pain killers! Whatever I stayed in bed and binged watched all the Fast and Furious movies. Three days on the antibiotics and I started to feel much better. Went to work the following week, was in good spirits, feeling good, moving and motivating. I had every intention of blogging the night of July 20th.
Which brings me to my really, really, really good excuse. So the morning of Saturday, July 20th, I wake up and told my wife I would make the coffee, I mean I make it every day anyways. I got up went to the kitchen and it happened. So let me paint a picture for you all. Our house is big enough for our family but not that big. From our bedroom to the kitchen is like maybe 7 steps, 10 at the most. By the time I got to the kitchen, I was gasping for air, the room went grey and I felt like I was going to pass out. I grabbed hold of the counter, it reminded me of this:
Because I'm me, I immediately thought to myself, "holy shit, this is how it ends? This is how I got out, making a fucking pot of coffee!" Have no fear, I actually got the coffee pot set up and turned it on in the middle of my lack of oxygen. I got to the couch, again about another 7 to 10 steps and I'm sit down and continue gasping for air like this:
My wife comes out, half awake and goes "what the hell is the matter with you? Why are you breathing like that?" Now in her defense, she didn't know that I almost passed out, so the look accompanying the above comment was something like this:
I told her that I got up, by the time I got to the kitchen, I felt like I was going to pass out and I couldn't catch my breathe. The above look then turned into this look:
I then realized that the "Are you kidding" look was because I told her that I made the coffee and she thought that I didn't. I'm kidding! She was actually really upset that I didn't wake her up or call for her. I mean with in all honesty, if I was going to pass out, I'd rather pass out while she was in the room, because with her neck and back injuries how the hell was she going to break my fall? For real if I called her into the kitchen while I was feeling lightheaded all she could physically do is watch as I did this:
While we're having coffee, I start coughing and am still having trouble catching my breathe. At this point, Tammy is trying to convince me to go back to the medi-merge and I'm debating my point as to why I shouldn't. First point, I had a basketball game to coach that afternoon and second point, no. So we get ready to go the gym and I'll admit now that from the time I got ready to the time we actually left, I felt like I was going to pass out at least 15 times. During this time, I was still trying to catch my breathe. At this point I had told Tammy that I thought the pneumonia had come back. So any normal person in this scenario would tend to their health, I however only cared about coaching my team. That's dedication, that's commitment to the sport, the youth, the future of female athletes. You hear that Division I schools?? Ya know just in case a Division 1 coach is reading this and needs an assistant!
At this point we're in the car heading to the gym and my wife keeps telling me to call my assistant and have him coach the game. I gave her the same speech I just gave you all and the Division 1 coaches reading. Her response was, "well you're an idiot!" It takes us a good twenty minutes to get from the car to the team bench with all my stopping, catching my breath and holding on to things. Normally it would be a 5 minute walk. Do you all appreciate the vivid picture I'm painting of my very very very very good excuse? My wife is sitting beside me telling me I'm getting to serious and to get to the point already. So lets skip ahead to after the game and we're back home and Tammy finally convinces me that she's taking me to the hospital after I denied her requests because I didn't want to ruin her Saturday. After I said that, she responded:
Off to the ER we go!
We get to the ER and I walk in and threw myself over the front desk and mumbled out the words "I can't breathe!" The lovely, over zealous security guard was like "are you visiting someone today or are you a patient?" Way to do your job buddy but do we all not notice that I'm slumped over your desk gasping for air? At this point, Tammy tells him that I can't breathe, have pain in my chest and feel like I'm going to pass out. There's a guy off to the side in a cubicle that gets on the phone and calls Tammy over to him. Meanwhile I'm like, I'll just be over here while you all figure out what to do with me:
Next thing I know we get rushed to the back and I have a slew of nurses sticking me with needles, hooking me up to machines, and taking vitals. Doctors are coming in and out asking questions. Then they start giving me breathing treatments. Can I ask what the hell is up with the medical professionals automatically resorting to breathing treatments? Let's think about this for a second... If I come in and am gasping for air, what the hell makes you so sure I'm actually going to be able to breathe in humidified air at a fast speed? In any event, while all this is going on, I'm laying in the bed like:
Like can someone PLEASE get a sister some AIR??!! Finally a really nice male nurse comes over and says, "I'm going to help you out", and puts the O2 mask on me. Help me out? You just saved my life... someone give that man a damn raise! So after a few hours the ER doctor comes in the room sits down and says, "Ok, so we're going to admit you. Your blood work came back and it indicates that you had a heart attack and are in the early stages of congestive heart failure". At this I look at Tammy and she starts crying, I immediately start laughing. I have no idea why I thought that news was funny, but I couldn't stop laughing. At one point I looked over at Tammy and was like, "ain't this some shit? I stopped smoking, I stopped drinking, I starting eating clean, and NOW I have a heart attack? Am I missing something?" Then I sat in the bed like:
I then decide that after 5 years of not speaking to my father now would be the perfect time to text him. So I sent him a text saying, "Yea so I'm in the hospital, no don't come, but I had a heart attack, so thanks for your shitty ass genes John! You couldn't pass this on to your other kids?" What? It was warranted. So we get moved up to a room and Tammy is calling everyone and filling them in. Every nurse that came in I automatically called them Nurse Boo. If there were student nurses, they were automatically called Baby Nurse Boo. So the first Boo of the night came in and started taking vitals and telling me all the tests I'd be going for and what was ordered for me and all that happy whoha stuff.
So I'm going to skip ahead a little, so the following day I had gone for 4 tests, 3 of the tests came back negative, so while I was on my way down for the 4th test, I said to Nurse Boo, "Hey you wanna bet on this test?" She looked at me like:
"Come on Nurse Boo, I'm 0-3 right now, take the bet!"I was convinced that this test was going to come back positive because I knew something was wrong. Nurse Boo didn't want to take the bet. So once I got back into the room my lovely meal was waiting for me. Roasted chicken breast, broccoli and green beans. Please keep in mind that I was informed that I was on a cardiac menu so instead of salt I was given Mrs. Dash. Why is this still a thing? It's horrible! You sprinkle it on the vegetables and at first glance it looks like wood chips and it doesn't season the vegetables at all. It falls off them as soon as you pick them up to eat it. So, someone please, explain what's the point of Mrs. Dash when it just ends up in a pile on your plate. So you look like this when eating Mrs. Dash
When I'm in the hospital, whether it's a patient or being a supportive wife, I tend to do shit myself. So I had to go to the bathroom, so I decided that all the Nurse Boos were busy dealing with other patients that I would unhook myself from all the machines and go. I took off my oxygen, stood up, took two steps and ended up like this:
So remember the 4th test? Yea, well I won! Test came back positive. Here's the funny part of the whole thing, they didn't tell me right away. Nurse Boo came in and said "we're moving you up to ICU so they can monitor you more closely." Naturally it didn't register. So when we got up to the room, I looked at Tammy and said, "wow this is a really nice room, at least its private and enclosed and spacious". She looked at me and said, "you do realize that it's ICU as in intensive care unit, right?" So the second Nurse Boo came in for the night, hooked me up to some more advanced machines, drew some more blood and stuck me in the stomach with a needle.
The next morning, Dr. ICU comes in to tell us the news. You all ready for this? Apparently I threw a pulmonary embolism to both my lungs. For those that don't know medical terminology, basically a pulmonary embolism is a blood clot. At this point for some reason I still find this all amusing. Dr. ICU tells us that medically speaking I shouldn't be alive and that the radiologist called himself to first find out if I was "circling the drain" or if I was alert and to say to Dr. ICU how impressed he was with the size of my clot. Well Dr. Radiology, I'm not circling the drain and I guess, thank you! Come on up to ICU and i'll autograph my CT image of your choice.
So once we got the news, Dr. ICU said he be back in with my "team" of doctors. So I had Dr. Blood, Dr. Lung, Dr. Heart and Dr. Internal on my team. When rounds came around and my team came in, Drake's song popped into my head and I was like, "My teams' good we don't really need a mascot!" Apparently I was a hit with my team because no one could figure out how or why this happened. It was serious like an episode of House. At one point I told the Nurse to call Dr. House especially when two of the doctors on my "team" looked like this:
Moving on! Once they stabilized me back down to a different floor with a whole bunch of new boos. At this point I was so over being in the hospital that when the 5th Nurse Boo came in and said, "so what happen sweetie?" My response was, "well God got jokes!" Its true the G-O-D is the Prank War Champion! I'm not sure if it was the lack of oxygen, respiratory failure or the food but I started hallucinating and saw God up in Heaven like:
Every time a doctor came in, they were like, "well you're lucky to be alive!" Yes I know, got it, can we start with something a little more less doom and gloom, like "Hi, how ya feeling?" After a very long 6 days in the hospital, 6 days 2 times a day of roasted chick, broccoli and green beans, I was discharged. My wife was a champ, she stayed the whole time with me, even sleeping in a broken recliner. Thankfully my wife doesn't put up with my shit and ignores me, if she didn't I wouldn't be here today.
So there ya go! I told you I had a very very very very good excuse as to why I didn't stick to my promise!
In all seriousness, pulmonary embolisms is an extremely serious condition and there is not a lot of education on the symptoms of a PE. Often times patients are misdiagnosed and end up dying. Ten to thirty percent of people affected by a PE or DVT will die within one month of the diagnosis. For more information, check out the following website:
Well hello out there!! Yes it's your favorite sarcastic blogger, here to rant about the bunch and get you all caught up! I know it's been a while since the last blog AND YES I KNOW I SAID THAT IN THE LAST BLOG...
Get use to that line, because Mama Kris is busssssyyyyy!
A lot has happened since Easter so grab some tea because I'm about to spill ours! First and foremost Bianca is an official licensed driver! Can we please get a round of applause on this? The reason being for the applause, is that all the way to the road test Bianca kept saying "oh my God, I'm going to fail!!" Now, being the amazing, supportive parents that Tammy and I are, we just kept encouraging her that she was going to do fine and pass. In the back of my mind I was thinking of the time I took my road test and how the instructors were just straight up assholes and were determined to fuck with you and crush your soul. Who remembers back in the day when the instructors use to get in the car and refuse to put on their seat belt just to mess with you? They all looked the same too! Every single soul crusher looked like this:
I have to say Bianca had a pretty cool looking instructor. They really modernized the DMV since I took my test! Dude had a long as beard and was covered in tattoos with gauges. So Bianca gets in the car, the instructor gets in and we watch her drive off around the building. I'm not even lying when I say that she drove around the building, did a parallel park and came back. Tammy and I both looked at each like:
At first we thought she failed, but she rolled down the window and gave us the thumb's up and I literally said, "damn that was the quickest road test in history!" I now know why the road test was quick, because getting her actual license looked just like this:
Yep, a 2.5 second road test and a two hour wait to get the license, so please everyone reading give not only Bianca a round of an applause, but me for not losing my shit during the wait. I'm sure you're all wondering what I've been up to and if you haven't I'm going to tell you anyway, because that's the point of a blog! Up until last weekend, I was still coaching basketball. My 8th grade team had it's last official tournament of the season down in Hershey for Nationals. It was a nice little three day get-away full of basketball. Now the season has come to an end I have weekends free for the most part. So you'll be happy to know that regular bi-weekly blogs will be coming your way. I know you're all sitting behind your computer or phone reading this acting like:
Don't act like your not....!
So let's rant about the children shall we? I mean what be a true Kris blog if I wasn't ranting about children and what they do? So as you all know by now, we have like a million kids. I exaggerate but in all honesty it truly feels like that sometimes. It's like I'll be talking to one kid and then two more will walk in and then after they leave, three more DIFFERENT kids walk in and in my head I'm thinking "didn't I just talk to you?" It's like a revolving door of kids in here. At times I swear it looks like this when I get home from work:
Half the time, I'm calling the kids the animal names and the animals the kids names. Anyone out there with more children than the state requirement, which I am now declaring as two, can truly appreciate what I am about to say. Picture this, you have 5 kids living in your house, accept the fact that you are outnumbered at this point. It becomes a real life episode of The Survivor. You buy groceries and within a matter of minutes it looks like the apocalypse has just hit. Your refrigerator now looks like this:
What to do in this situation you ask? Well, lucky for you I have tips to survive raising kids. First step, buy food and hide in your bedroom! That is the number rule of surviving a household of children that you would think have a tapeworm. My wife and I have all kinds of snack hidden in all areas of our bedroom. You have have to multiple hiding spots. Here's why; one kid happens to go into your room because you order them to get you your phone charger. You can't just have all the good stuff out in the open. Put the shit in a hamper. They'll never look there! Multiple hiding spots people, take it from us, they still haven't found the bag of chips! Moving on to step two of Kris' Survival Guide to Outsmarting the Kids, hide everything. We have toilet paper, paper towels and pod tides (not for you think) hidden in spots all over our room.
You might be asking, "why hide toilet paper?" Well if your kids are anything like ours, they like to take all the toilet paper to their respective bathrooms and then mistakenly "forget" to tell you there's no more toilet paper left. This especially happens, when you're on the toilet. Ah kids, gotta hate em, I mean love them. Now, you're probably asking why hide paper towels. Kids think paper towels are napkins and they use them to blow their noses, to dry their hands, clean their mouths, all things not intended for paper towels. It says during the commercials that paper towels clean up spills! Not to mention that instead of the kids going the extra mile and actually throwing the paper towels away in the garbage can, they leave them waded up in a disgusting ball of filth on the counter next to the kitchen sink. I'm trying to contemplate why they do this. I mean it's not like we can re-use your waded filthy paper towel and rehang in on a cardboard roll.
Again, you might be wondering why are we hiding tide-pods in our bedroom. Well for the simple fact that everyone does laundry excessively in this house, we need to hide them. Stay with here, if there are no tide pods they don't do laundry. Just the other day, I was getting ready to do laundry and the last time I checked there were 4 tide pods left. I go down to find one left. Now keep in mind I asked if anyone had laundry in the washer and dryer because EVERYONE in this house knows I do laundry on Sundays. Everyone answers no. I go down and there is a hoodie in the washer. ONE hoodie, not a load of clothes, not more than one hoodie a single fucking hoodie. I come to find out that Mike decided that washing one hoodie with one tide pod was acceptable. I'm sorry you didn't think that maybe holding off and washing multiple hoodies or clothes with a tide pod was better than wasting a tide pod on ONE hoodie??
Then we have our teenage daughter who lets clothes pile up for a month and decides, only after having absolutely nothing left to wear that NOW would be a good time to do laundry. So she uses 3, because there's a month worth of clothes to wash. I swear I'm about to break out the old fashion way of washing clothes. Hey kids, go out on hike, find a river, a nice big rock, wet your clothes and beat them over the rock, take a bar of soap with ya! Kids nowadays have it made! To recap, I have given you all two very important survival skills to outsmart your kids. I can't give them all away to you right now, because then you won't read my book when it comes out, so start with those two and let me know how it goes. Remember parents:
I made a career change recently, which has been amazing to say the least. When my company was on-boarding me, I had to go for my first ever drug test. At first I was like this is fun! Not because I was afraid of the results but because I've never had to take a drug test. What can I say, new things interest me. So I show up at the lab and they call me in immediately. By the way, when you go for a drug test, its a priority so you don't have wait, skip right to the head of the line. I was greeted by the tech, "Kristen insert last name here" (i'm not telling you all my last name, we aren't tight like that yet), so I smiled and said "good morning!" She looked down at the script and then looked at me and her whole demeanor changed. She looked at me like I was a criminal, even worse like a drug addict. She rudely said "follow me down to room 15". Easy there tonto, it's like I can take a detour of the lab, there's only one friggen hallway. After she did what she had to do with the script she says, "lets go to the bathroom now". I'm sorry, excuse me? "Lets go", I'm not peeing in a cup with you watching. She walks into the bathroom, lifts up the lid, throws some tablet into the water, that turned it blue, grabbed the hand soap and removed the garbage can. At this point, I'm standing in the bathroom like:
I was so confused as to why she removed the garbage can and took the hand soap. Anyway, she hands me the cup, she tells me, "pee in the cup, the remainder can go in the toilet, after you wipe don't throw the toilet paper in the toilet and don't wash your hands until I come back in. When you're done knock on the door!" I'm sorry but what the fuck is going on here. First, where else would I put the "remainder" of my urine go...on the floor?! Secondly, you expect me to hold used toilet paper??
Like I'm sorry, I wasn't raised in a barn. Any who, I peed in a cup, which for females, its a struggle. I knocked on the door, while holding used toilet paper waiting for Officer Lab Tech to give me the go ahead to throw it out. She examines the toilet water, then examines my urine and goes, "hmmm"? Hmmmm what bitch, it's yellow like urine is suppose to be! Then she hands me the soap and says "wash your hands." As if I wasn't going to do that, but thanks for looking out! As if things couldn't get any creepier, she stood there glaring at me as I washed me hands. Like was I not washing my hands for the appropriate amount of time? After I washed my hands back to room 15 we went where I had to sign off on my pee. Just so you all know the drug test came back negative. In case you all were concerned based on past blogs.
Summer is here....yay for everyone that doesn't have to work. Our youngest child, Anthony had his "Moving Up Ceremony" last week. Moving up ceremonies are so much fun, not for parents but for the kids. Ya know the kids really feel like they accomplished something. They put in five long, hard years of elementary school. My lord all the coloring, arts and crafts, songs they had sing and fun the had in class, must have been really tough on them. I'm joking, not really, but in all seriousness, we were proud of Anthony. Anthony has an IEP and has had one since 3rd grade so for him to stand on the stage and receive his "Moving Up" Certificate at grade level, really made us proud. Until, as I was recording him walking out of his ceremony, he yells "Mom, do you believe this, 180 days and all i get is a handshake and a piece of paper!!" Me:
I mean what do you say to that? Kid kinda had a valid point! Let's do better elementary schools, give them a friggen tassle and hat to at least throw up in the air, not cupcakes and cookies so they come home fucking crazy and sugared up. What happened to healthy snack options? That just went right out the window now that you all are done with them huh? I see how it is!
Well there you have it, you're all officially caught up now!!
OOOOOH, good news, the Gady Moms are back on the mic, so don't forget to go check out the Gaydy Moms latest podcast here
Until next time.. which will be in two weeks in case you all were wondering!
It has been an insanely busy month. I have been coaching two girls' AAU basketball teams, so my week nights are filled with practices, reviewing game films and going over strategies, while the weekends are consumed by tournaments. Most of the weekends, we're driving from one end of the state to the other. Basically our weekends look a lot like this:
Speaking about driving all over the place, Bianca started her diving lessons this month and will be taking her road test in the next week or so. I get the job of teaching our girls how to drive, since my wife still suffers from some post-traumatic stress from her accident. Lucky me! I practiced a few times with Bianca before she started lessons and I personally thought she did a great job. However, Bianca has this thing where the entire time she's driving she constantly repeats "I'm going to die, I'm going to die!" I have to reassure her that she's not going to die. The first few times we went out it resembled a lot like this:
The "I'm going to die" comment carried over to her lessons with the driving school. Fortunately she had a very patient instructor that reassured her that dying wasn't an option. Apparently the instructor wasn't happy with the way I taught her how to take right hand turns. She had come home from lesson and told us that he was like "Bianca you need slow down when taking those right hand turns". According to Bianca her right hand turns are kind of like this:
Look I don't see anything wrong taking a turn like that. What does he expect her to do? Stop and then make the turn?? Come on Dave.. get with the program. Needless to say her right hand turns got better, she completed her lessons and is now ready for her test!
Mother nature is finally getting her shit together and realizing that we are in April and we need warmer weather. That being said, my wife had the brilliant idea of taking our two doggos to the dog park. The dog park is always fun with our two dogs. Now in fun, I mean if you want to slowly stab yourself repeatedly with a sharp object while you sit and watch two boujee ass dogs do absolutely nothing! This dog park is like Great Adventure for dogs without the lines. I mean this place has dog tunnels, hoops, toys and buckets of water. What do our two dogs do? One is sitting on my wife's lap and the other pissing on everything he sees even though he's got nothing left. Like why you lifting up your leg to pee on something bruh when you know your tank is empty? Like what's the point?
I put teddy in the tunnel and he was confused as hell. Here I am on the other side talking to him like a child, saying "come on buddy walk through it". Meanwhile he's in the middle of the tunnel like:
It took him about a good 5 minutes to realize he wasn't trapped. Then I decided to play fetch with him. So here I am throwing a ball and yelling "Teddy get the ball", while Teddy is like:
Clearly he wasn't feeling the "I throw the ball, you run and bring it back game". I looked at my wife and said "what the hell is wrong with our dogs? Dogs are supposed to love the dog park. Not these two! When we got home, they both ran to their water bowls and drank like they ran a damn 5K and then curled up on the couch and took a nap. What the hell were they tired from. One sat on the bench, while other thought he was trapped inside a tunnel. I looked at my wife and said, "well that was 30 minutes of my life I'll never get back".
Moving on.. so by now you all know that we have a shit ton of kids. So a few weekends ago it was tournament weekend, my wife and I were up at 6am and on the road by 8am for our 9:30 game. I had a total of 5 games between my two teams. After the tournament, Tammy and I stopped to grab something to eat and when we got home the house was dark. At first I was like "YES, they're out doing sibling shit and its quiet relaxation time for us"! We get out of the car and all of a sudden we hear this insanely loud obnoxious music playing and strobe lights coming from our living room. I turned to my wife and said "what the fuck is happening right now?" As soon as we walk in this happened:
I'm getting jumped into, spun around, pushed, shaken and blinded by some makeshift fucking strobelights made out of our sauce pots and cell phones! I look down and I see Bianca doing her Sweat workout on a yoga mat. No lie, while all this is happening, there's Bianca like:
We literally thought we were on Prank Wars and the Twilight Zone combined. Complete and total mind fuck! Not to mention I had left overs from our dinner in a bag that I put in the kitchen, after I eventually escaped the insanity of what we call our children; I walk into the kitchen and Mike is getting ready to throw my left overs in the garbage. H-O-L-D T-H-E F-U-C-K!! Listen off springs.. it's one thing to play games with me, but when you fuck with my leftovers we throwing down. This house party went on for hours and then they all went their separate ways leaving the pots. No really don't worry, we'll put them away!
While we're on the topic of kids, can we discuss how kids will wash their dishes but keep piling them in the drainboard. Last time I checked, the drainboard didn't put the shit away itself. Our drainboard looks like this:
It's like Jenga with plates, cups, coffee mugs, pots, pans and silverware. I purposely wait to see how high the tower of clean dishes gets before I or my wife have to put them away. Same goes for the dish soap, if you're pumping it onto the sponge and foam is coming out, it should be a clear indication to fill the fucking thing up! Nope, moms do that too. Paper towels.. forget it. It's taboo to change the empty paper towel roll. Is there something in a kids' head that thinks the brown empty cardboard roll looks fucking appealing?! Oh I'm not done.. what about toilet paper. All these kids have a bathroom but they all gotta use ours, use our toilet paper and then when I go in I HAVE TO CHANGE THE BROWN EMPTY ROLL! What sick twisted satisfaction do kids get by doing this? Pure evil. That's it I'm on strike. I don't care how high the pile gets in the drainboard, I'll leave the brown paper towel cardboard roll up, I'll hide my toilet paper and leave the empty roll on the holder. It's on now!
Because we are stellar moms we went out early Easter morning and got the kids some things. All great moms do shit last minute! Every Easter we BBQ because we do. Mainly because we have a million kids and going out to dinner is like a mortgage payment so we keep it simple. So I of course stay outside and get smoke in my eyes, burns on my arms from the heat of the grill and cook the food and then come in smelling like Fire Marshall Bill, while everyone inside is laughing and enjoying each other. I come in with the food like:
So after dinner, we were all hanging out and Carlton and Alessandra starting having this conversation about Jesus. Alessandra, who by the way attended CCD, made her communion and confirmation, says, "so what happens after today? Does Jesus go back to his tomb?" Carlton jumps in and goes, "Or does he just roam around?" At this point all I could do is give them both this look:
Yep, Jesus is just roaming around until next Easter! What the hell is the matter with ya'll??
On that note, another tournament weekend is upon me! Stay tuned for our next podcast coming next week.